For some, life is in full swing: a new car, a vacation in the Maldives, a happy relationship, healthy children. And someone survives from penny to penny, gets sick all the time, goes to a hateful job or lives with an unloved one. There are many reasons for how a person lives and what choices he makes. spoke with psychologist, author of the So-I-Yes-therapy method Alexander Nekrasov about what is beneficial, it would seem, unattractive at first glance, life.

What makes you think that a person does not like to get sick or live from paycheck to paycheck? He is quite happy. Even if the situation itself does not bring happiness, then the presence of such circumstances allows you to unconsciously maintain a very important connection with someone. An improvement in circumstances is likely to worsen a person’s emotional state. But let’s go in order.

You and I are of the same blood

The thing is that people, as social beings, need contact from birth. The first connection for any person is with his mother, then with his father, with grandfathers, grandmothers, siblings, educators, various people on whom he depends. In the process of growing up, this connection is fixed by the process of development, since a person, like any social animal, adopts behavior patterns from people who are significant to him.

Daughter copying mom

As an example, consider the story of a couple in which a warm relationship between a woman and a man did not start, but a child appeared, for example, a girl. And then the woman, as more sensitive and in need of an emotional connection, goes into the child with her head, building her whole life around him. And the man, feeling even more cooling in the relationship, begins to look towards a warmer and more emotional connection. And then the woman, catching the threat of losing her husband, unconsciously chooses to become seriously ill in order to keep her husband from divorce. The man, feeling guilty, formally stays in the relationship. Growing up in such a family, the girl unconsciously models a similar situation in her life, because she grew up on an example where you can get sick in order to maintain a relationship with an important person.

Themselves with mustaches

For such a choice, you do not always need to copy someone and wait until you grow up. A common story is when a child falls ill in order to reunite divorcing parents. Previously, he learned that when he is sick, mom and dad unite around saving him and stop swearing. An unpleasant illness has a pleasant benefit or even several: mom and dad are nearby, they pay attention to him, he does not need to go to school or kindergarten, they buy him sweets and toys, they are allowed to sleep with his parents, etc. The child unconsciously uses this method, because that this is the only known and effective method to keep the connection. This is because the baby has a lot of unconscious fear of losing his parents. If the parents explain to the child that mom and dad decided to live separately, but, as before, they will love him, he will always have access to them and their protection, the child will quickly recover.

Don’t think that a woman or a child sits and thinks, “Let me get sick to keep him.” This is an unconscious process. The human psyche is so arranged that it uses any available means to keep in touch with important people. The biggest danger of a secondary benefit is precisely that it is not only invisible to those who use it, but it excludes the possibility of resolving the threat created by the contact in another way.

Where else could there be a benefit?

There can be an infinite number of paradoxical contexts. For example, as described in the song Vysotsky:

“It’s nice that we are respected here.
Look, they bring you up, look, they plant you,
Waking up in the morning is not a rooster, crowed,
The sergeant will lift you up like a man.
They almost see us off with music, how do we sleep.”

Drinking alcohol and destroying his life, a person, however, gets the attention that he so badly needs. The main thing in this story that does not allow it to budge is the inability to achieve what you want in another way. Such absurd advantages can be found in various bad habits, lying on the couch, turning down a good job or position, choosing the wrong partner. If, for example, a child was noticed only when he did nothing, and his achievements and successes were completely ignored, then in adulthood he can become a parasite only because for him this is the only way to feel his importance and need. It must be understood that behind the secondary benefit there is always a need for communication. This is something that money cannot buy. Thus, a person retains that connection and attention that in another situation he does not receive or does not feel.

A person chooses to always stay on the edge, turning the situation into a chronic state, so that the one with whom it is important to keep in touch does not have the courage to break it off.

How to notice and remove the secondary benefit?

If there is some kind of protracted, chronic process in life that does not resolve and does not go away, then you can ask yourself a number of questions:

If this problem goes out of my life, what or who will I lose with it? It is important to focus on the relationship with some important person.

If the answer to this question is: “Oh, yes, it would be great if I could start earning more or stop drinking / smoking / getting sick. Everything would just get better.” It is not true. Most likely, it is difficult for a person to look where it becomes unbearable from loss. In order to see this, the help of a specialist is often needed, who can withstand the growing internal stress.

When a significant person is found, it is important to see what you expect from him? What unmet need of yours does it, in your opinion, satisfy or is intended to satisfy?

If this becomes clear, then it is necessary to find new ways, how else can you close this need of yours, without the need to maintain communication?

If we consider these questions in the first example, then the woman realizes that she is afraid of losing a man. Together with him, she may lose financial support, at least someone nearby, the father of their daughter, an apartment, status or something else. Having decomposed the loss into components, you can deal with each part separately. Awareness of the benefits allows you to see that it is not necessary to get sick, and the man is not at all the one whom she would like to see next to her, because just like that, the woman switched to the child. If you do such mental work and choose a different way to meet your needs, then your daughter will grow up in a healthier environment with an example of how to get out of difficult life circumstances when a significant rupture is inevitable. Because the more awareness a person has, the more he is open to changes and adapts to them more easily, and the easier his children go through life.

Our life, regardless of whether we want it or not, by its events forces us to constantly develop.

In an attempt to maintain a connection that is important to us, we sometimes keep what no longer works, and pay a heavy price for it. Sometimes this price is lack of money, sometimes the price is health, sometimes life.