This article is part of the One on One project. In it, we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
Psychologists and sociologists considerthat millennials and zoomers get along better with their parents than previous generations. Thanks to the Internet, people, regardless of age, are in the same information field, share the same values, and there are fewer and fewer reasons for disagreement.
Nevertheless, the difference between generations still sometimes makes itself felt, and the discrepancy between views on life sometimes results in conflicts. If you live with your parents under the same roof or just communicate a lot, these disagreements can pretty much spoil the relationship. We tell you how to extinguish and prevent such quarrels.
Why do conflicts usually occur?
The list of reasons can be endless, but in general, the reasons for quarrels from generation to generation remain unchanged and are associated with different views on many things. Among them:
- Choice of profession and lifestyle. Parents believe that a reliable job in a stable company is important, and an adult child freelances and is engaged in creativity.
- Family values and parenting. Parents are sure that their son or daughter needs to get married as soon as possible and have their own child, and they prefer to live for themselves.
- Financial questions. It seems to parents that it is important to live economically and save, and the child wants to make pleasant expensive purchases and enjoy today.
- Politics, religion and processes taking place in society.
- Approaches to communication. For example, one side advocates sensitive, non-violent communication, while the other prefers to cut the truth-womb and violate boundaries.
How to deal with your parents if you have disagreements
That’s what recommend specialists.
1. Focus on what you like about loved ones
For example, on their positive qualities or on what you have in common. If you feel like arguing because your mom told you to get married soon, think about how she supported you when you decided to change jobs, how she taught you to cross-stitch, or how you went to the theater together.
This does not mean that you do not need to defend your position. But this approach will help to see in a loved one not an enemy, but an ally.
2. Try to understand whether it is worth inflating the conflict
Perhaps the disagreement is not so global, in general, does not interfere with communication, and the situation can be put on the brakes. For example, parents do not want to vote in elections for the same candidate that you intend to support; or think that complementary foods should be introduced to the baby from four months, and you follow the recommendations WHO and prefer to wait until he is six.
Most often, these are not the contradictions that should be brought to a quarrel, they do not wedged into everyday life. It is worth trying not to touch on painful topics, taking the conversation in a different direction or laughing it off, using phrases like “I think differently, but let’s not quarrel and talk about something else.”
But if the question is fundamental, let’s say your parents don’t like your partner or your work and they constantly tell you about it or even put sticks in the wheels, you still have to defend your boundaries.
3. Separate the person’s personality from what they say
If someone expresses ideas that you do not like, even if dangerous and harmful, this does not mean that he is a bad person. Maybe you just disagree, or maybe he is confused or does not have the necessary information.
It is important to keep this in mind during discussions with parents and only criticize what they tell you, not mom and dad themselves.
4. Remember that your goal is to resolve the conflict
And also to protect their borders and prevent new disputes in the future, but in no way humiliate opponents and not defend their case at any cost.
Moreover, in some cases it is simply impossible to do this. That is, it is useless to argue to the point of hoarseness whether there is a God or whether it is worth allowing LGBT people to marry. It is more important to ensure that the other side speaks out correctly, recognizes your point of view and does not impose its own on you.
With more practical questions, the same story. If your parents insist that you need another job, try to convince them not that your current one is better and they don’t understand anything, but that it’s your choice and telling you what to do is not very respectful.
5. Show that you hear the interlocutors
You will be pleased if mom or dad, even in a very sensitive issue, admits that your point of view has a right to exist. In reverse, it works exactly the same. You may not share, for example, the political views of your parents, but at the same time agree that they are in favor of “their” party and they have their own reasons for this.
Moreover, it is important not only to keep this in mind, but also to say out loud: “Yes, I hear and understand you. This is an interesting point of view, although I do not agree with it.
And actually listen more, don’t try to immediately challenge what you don’t like. So you can better understand the person and find the very key to resolving the conflict.
6. Speak correctly
Try to remain calm, do not spit and do not throw accusations. Use “I-messages” and talk about how you feel when your mom or dad comes up with ideas you don’t like or tries to pressure you. For example: “When you say that I have an unreliable profession and I will end up on the porch, I feel very hurt and hurt. I feel like no one believes in me.”
Be proactive and try to offer compromise solutions if possible. Remember that you are a team, not enemies.
7. Be prepared to cut off communication
At least for a while. If the situation goes too far, the parents do not hear you, continue to insist on their own, grossly violate personal boundaries, spoil your mood, subject you to psychological and economic violence – this is an occasion to take a time out and step back a bit.
For example, you are categorically required to marry and actively, against your will, they woo you conditional “sons of your mother’s friend.” Or by blackmail and threats they force you to change your job or place of study: “If you go to study as an artist, don’t expect help from us.” Or they put pressure on you with authority, devalue you, use toxic statements: “You don’t understand anything, but we have lived our lives.”
The distance will allow you to cool off, restore spent emotional resources, look at the situation more detachedly and understand how to proceed.
Perhaps it is also worth contacting a specialist if you understand yourself, cope with feelings and find a solution on your own.
What is your relationship with your parents? Are there disagreements and how can they be resolved? Share your stories in the comments.