What is jealousy, why does it arise and how to get rid of this destructive feeling? Yulia Damochkina, a family psychologist and sexologist, talks about all this.
Jealousy is a feeling that arises as a reaction to a situation in which we see a threat to our relationship with a loved one or loved one. The threat is real or imaginary, but more on that later.
We may be jealous of friends, colleagues, children, partners, parents, and other people with whom relationships are meaningful to us.
The main types of jealousy
Jealousy is of three types:
1. Rational – when there is a real threat of losing the object of your love or relationship with him (the partner openly flirts with others, meets, gives special or valuable gifts, conducts intimate / love correspondence, cheats).
2. Irrational – is not connected with real events, when the threat to relations exists only in our head.
3. Delusions of jealousy – inadequate, unreasonable, pathological jealousy. Most often, this type of jealousy occurs in people with mental disorders (schizophrenia, alcoholism, drug addiction, paranoid disorder, etc.)
Why are people jealous?
When jealousy is rational or pathological, there are objective reasons: in the first case, the partner gives a reason to distrust and worry, in the second, the person has mental health problems.
There are several reasons for irrational jealousy:
- Early trauma: in parent-child relationships, a person received an experience that negatively affected the formation of the psyche and led to the fear of losing the object of love.
- Emotionally unavailable parents – from childhood, a person received not enough love, care, tenderness, affection, and emotional deficits formed in him. Having begun to satisfy these needs in a relationship, such a person will be hostile to any threat of losing the source of their satisfaction – that is, a partner.
- Negative past experiences in relationships (former partners cheated, betrayed, deceived, devalued), which led to the emergence of a fear of repeating the situation.
- Low self-esteem as a consequence of the points above and other psychotraumas, including life in a dysfunctional family.
- Any kind of violence experienced (physical, psychological, sexual).
- Personality type features – individual psychological characteristics that form negative attitudes, anxiety and fear of losing a partner.
Why is there no jealousy?
Does it happen that there is no jealousy – of course! In couples where there is absolute trust and openness. There is also a category of people who suppress jealousy and feelings in general. It seems to them that they are not jealous, but in fact they simply do not have contact with their feelings.
In addition, people who are afraid of emotional intimacy may not experience jealousy. They usually keep a small distance with their partner for fear of relationship pain.
How to get rid of jealousy?
It would be logical to assume that it is enough to eliminate the causes of its appearance, which I described above for you. But I want to note right away: this is not a one-day job! Jealousy is highly toxic to both partners and often poisons the relationship itself. Leaving everything as it is is a decision with a sad prospect.
Is it possible to get rid of jealousy on your own? Try! If it does not work out, it is better to seek help from a specialist.