He again didn’t close the toothpaste tube or lowered the toilet lid, and she took too long to get ready or shifted important documents somewhere. It seems to be trifles, but they just piss me off to the point of horror – and now another quarrel flares up from scratch. Does this mean that people no longer love each other, and their relationship is under threat? Psychologists think not: irritation, on the contrary, can be a sign that everything is in order with the couple.
Why it’s ok to be angry with your partner
French sociologist Jean-Claude Kauffman thinksthat irritation, discontent and nit-picking is an element of any serious relationship. If you spend a lot of time with a person and even more so if you live together, your views on life and habits will inevitably collide.
All those untidy things, unsealed lids, wasted money, broken dishes… Not to mention the fierce battles between owls and larks or scandals around the fact that a partner sticks too much on the phone.
Grunts, sidelong glances, exchange of barbs or even quarrels – most often there is nothing terrible in them. And not a single, even the strongest couple can avoid such situations.
Kauffman echoes relationship expert Kira Asatryan. She says that if people get irritated with each other and periodically quarrel, then their relationship is healthy. And that’s why.
Are you comfortable with each other…
At the very beginning of a relationship, we usually try to show our best side and carefully hide the habits and qualities that we think can alienate a partner. We don’t walk around the house in stretched pants, we don’t throw half-empty cups of tea all over the apartment and, of course, we keep negative emotions under control.
But when relationships reach a new level and become stronger and deeper, we relax and let our true selves go free.
And it is not always characterized by peacefulness and restraint. In general, if you grumble, argue and bicker, then you are confident in your partner. And you know that he loves you and will not be afraid of such a trifle as periodic outbursts of discontent.
… but at the same time you are not indifferent to each other
It is believed that strong and happy couples never quarrel. But a complete calm in a relationship may indicate that people simply do not care about each other. That they have moved away and no longer experience any vivid emotions: neither positive nor negative.
In a word, irritation and dissatisfaction mean that there is definitely life in a relationship. Although this, of course, does not apply to situations where all communication between partners consists of criticism, quarrels and nit-picking.
Irritation is a reason to work on yourself
Tracking down what drives you crazy and analyzing why it happens can help you get to know yourself better. And at the same time identify weaknesses and work on them and on your relationship.
For example, you are terribly infuriated that your partner is lying on the couch all weekend with a book, a phone, or a controller from a set-top box. The problem is probably that you have different ideas about the perfect vacation – then you should find a compromise or just spend time separately.
And it may also be that you yourself are not able to let go of yourself and relax – and therefore get angry at a loved one who indulges in idleness with might and main.
In this case, you need to learn how to relax and sit back – for example, try different relaxation techniques. Or figure out why a lazy pastime makes you feel guilty, ashamed, and afraid.
How to deal with anger
No long-term relationship is complete without grumbling and discontent. But sometimes it happens that there are too many quarrels and mutual irritation. And it can really ruin a relationship or make it completely unbearable.
After all, no one likes to listen to reproaches all the time or see that a partner constantly walks around with a sour face. If a loved one pisses you off so much that your relationship is in jeopardy, you might want to listen to advice psychologists.
Analyze how irritation affects your couple
Maybe you give too much importance to small skirmishes, and your partner hardly notices them or treats them as something natural. Well, they argued, well, they flared up. And then the “guilty” nevertheless went and took out this ill-fated garbage – and that’s it, peace is at home again.
But it also happens that discontent accumulates – and small skirmishes flare up more and more often to full-scale scandals with screams and tears.
And then people start moving away. For example, they try to stay longer at work, just not to listen to lectures and not to catch sidelong glances on themselves. Or avoid spending weekends together.
At this stage, it is worth considering whether it is really irritation that is to blame for everything, or whether it is the problem that lies behind it. Not taking out the garbage or systematically throwing away socks can be just the tip of the iceberg.
But in fact, all this is a manifestation of laziness and indifference, which suggests that the partner is irresponsible, does not respect your work, does not want to invest in relationships and share household duties with you. And in this case, it is this that worries and angers you, and not the socks themselves. So, it is necessary to solve the problem itself, and not its symptoms.
Start with yourself
There are two sides to the conflict in one way or another. It cannot be that the responsibility lies entirely with one person, and the second participant is simply a victim of circumstances who cannot do anything at all.
For example, your half puts a coffee cup on a white table, once again ignoring the saucers and coasters. You imagine how a round brown mark remains in this place, and you begin to boil. Next, you have several options:
- Flare up and tell your partner that you are tired of all this.
- Silently offer him a saucer.
- Close your eyes to what is happening.
- Calmly explain that you are very upset by these spots.
- Buy a table that does not leave coffee marks.
Yes, it was not you who put the ill-fated cup on the table. But it’s up to you to choose whether to start a fight or stew in your own indignation. You are not responsible for another adult and their actions, but you can start with yourself. Do not automatically react to the stimulus, but take a few deep breaths and think about what paths are open to you now.
Remember that when you get irritated, you get angrier
It seems that if you make a remark to a person, it will become easier for you. But it is not always the case. Endless grumbling, on the contrary, serves as a catalyst for irritation. The more you sort through the sins of your half in your head, the more you annoy yourself. Because all this is completely unconstructive and does not lead to a solution to the problem.
It is much more effective to discuss what is happening with a partner:
- Express your feelings using “I” messages: “I get very angry when my requests are ignored”, “I worry that we won’t have enough money.”
- Avoid accusations and attacks: “You always scatter everything!”, “You are irresponsible and think only of yourself.”
- Offer a solution to the situation: “Let’s make a schedule for cleaning the apartment and try to follow it”, “I think it’s worth starting to keep a family budget.”
- Listen carefully to the other side and come to a common denominator.
If the reason for irritation was quite insignificant and you flared up, because it’s just such a stupid day, also tell your loved one about it. Sometimes everyone needs to be pitied and “taken in hand.”