The word manipulation is used too often and everywhere today. But to use and understand its meaning are two diametrically different concepts. I often hear from men: “You are women, you manipulate more and more!”. “What is manipulation?” I ask. “Well… my wife says: either you buy me a fur coat, or I won’t cook…”. My answer: “This is not manipulation. This is an agreement. A contract in which the wife puts the price of your comfortable existence.

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What is male manipulation?

I have never heard of a woman who can make a man cry for a fur coat. But on the other hand, I know many men who are able to bring a woman to tears because of borscht.

Manipulation is a hidden psychological technique, the purpose of which is to force a person, contrary to his interests, to perform the necessary actions. An important factor in manipulation is to make the person want to do it himself.

Therefore, psychological manipulation is something completely different. This is the destruction of the boundaries of the psyche of a partner without his consent. These are relationships that the manipulator builds in such a way that you do only what he needs without requests and agreements. However, you never get what you expected. The relationship “manipulator – victim”, “puppeteer – puppet” is always built on the principle: win – lose. I call it “The One-Game Game”. The one who lost is actually the victim. He is the puppeteer, you are the thing.

The main character traits of the tormentor are the lack of respect, sympathy and empathy for the victim and the unwillingness to take the place of the person – the lack of empathy. Statistics show that among the manipulators of women, only 1%, while men – 7%. I suppose that the maternal instinct does not allow crossing the border of the destruction of the psyche of another. We’re more human, aren’t we? I have never heard of a woman who can make a man cry for a fur coat. But on the other hand, I know many men who are able to bring a woman to tears because of borscht.

The main signs of a manipulator

Manipulators have the rare quality of being “princesses” at the beginning of a relationship.

1. Body

Remember that our instinct for self-preservation responds with an adrenaline rush to danger. I wrote about it in one of the articles. Nausea, insomnia, unreasonable fever, vomiting, palpitations, incoherent speech, sweaty palms, sudden weight loss, memory lapses – it is difficult to remember the details of meeting with him. This is a signal. Ideally, already at this moment you need to cut off contact with this person. But unfortunately, our misunderstanding and female naivety make us continue.

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2. Discomfort

Psychological discomfort during communication with such a man. Remember: good is when it’s good. And if you feel bad, then something is wrong. As a rule, this state is manifested by tension during communication. You can’t always relax around him.

3. Illogical

He says one thing and does another. And this is repeated over and over again.

4. Closeness

He doesn’t introduce you to his friends, you never know where he is or with whom.

This list is not complete, but it is enough to identify and identify the manipulator at the first stage. Another thing is that many of us think: “Maybe it seemed to me? He’s so good.” The fact of the matter is that manipulators have a rare quality – to seem like “princes fine” at the beginning of a relationship. Therefore, a woman with an ineffective (weak) value system continues the relationship with him, and then we get a chapter of our book of life called “The Experience of Relationships with a Manipulator.” The difference in this experience will be only in the depth of injuries, which is determined by the type of manipulator that we ran into.

Light manipulation

A compliment is a great way to manipulate. Therefore, when a man makes too many of them and not on business, this is a sure sign.

Manipulators are divided into two types: light and hard version. I refer to the light version those who use the following techniques.

1. Compliments

Yes, they are. A compliment is a great way to manipulate. Therefore, when a man makes too many of them and not on business, this is a sure sign. For example, he talks about the beauty of your legs, but at the same time you know perfectly well that this is far from the case.

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2. False Choice

“Honey, will you take out the trash or will you go to the supermarket?”. You are always offered two options that are convenient for the manipulator.

3. The pressure to make a decision is comfortable for him.

You openly tell him that you don’t want him to do something. In response: “Well, okay!”. At the same time, a mask of bitter disappointment is on his face. We turn on the feeling of guilt and we give back. Or another way: “I thought you were not like me!” (not like everyone else, like Masha – Tolik’s wife, like an ex-girlfriend, etc.). Thus, the manipulator puts pressure on the woman’s desire to be better and more unique than others. And if you react to such phrases, take care of your self-esteem immediately.

Relationships with a manipulator always end badly for the victim.

4. Pity

“No one will do this for me except you!”, “Only you can help me!”, – these phrases are nothing more than pressure on the maternal instinct, we have it too developed and we diligently begin to do everything for him, about which he asks and does not ask. Do not forget that the maternal instinct should be manifested exclusively to the child!

All these are “children’s games” or a manipulator in the “light” version. A light manipulator is still able to reach an agreement and demonstrate sympathy for tears. But after some time, he will still attempt to enslave.

Hard manipulation

One of the most severe forms of low self-esteem is the presence of a third party. And it’s far from the fact that he chooses between you and her, but he creates this feeling.

There is also a “hard manipulation” version. Hard is a special kind of beast that not only uses basic techniques, but also owns ways to completely destroy a person. In his arsenal is a weapon aimed at destroying the personality of a partner. All his techniques are based on the three most terrible states for our psyche: uncertainty, illogicality and uncertainty. This type of manipulation is especially dangerous because it lacks a sense of empathy or sympathy.

How does hard manipulation manifest itself?

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1. Demotion

Lowering self-esteem is the main “chip” of a hard manipulator. Self-esteem is lowered in several ways. The first is intellectual pressure. He constantly uses words in his vocabulary that you do not understand and therefore every time you agree with his opinion. The second is a double compliment: “Great jeans, but this shirt doesn’t fit here.” From such compliments there is an unpleasant aftertaste, which entails a feeling of self-doubt. The third is a comparison with the former: “Here Masha cooked better! And what a figure Lena had! But you are a good person.” After applying such techniques, over time, the victim’s self-esteem falls and at the same time, a song from his own lips sounds in the background: how lucky you are with me, how smart, and beautiful, and in demand I am. At the same time, many of them are very far from “beauty, intelligence and demand”. And one of the most severe types of lowering self-esteem is the presence of a third party. And it is far from the fact that he chooses between you and her, but he creates this feeling. “I can not decide. I see myself with you today, but I don’t see myself in my old age.” With this strategy, he turns himself into a “prize” to fight for. Along with a drop in self-esteem, the importance of the presence of this man in your life grows, and at this time he connects more powerful tricks.

The more we think about a person, the more we become attached to him. This is how our psyche works

2. Waiting

Waiting is one of the most important tools of a manipulator. “I’ll come by tonight!” When asked to indicate the exact time, you get a vague answer: “As soon as I get free, I will immediately.” Evening is a flexible concept, you are ready to meet by seven. He is absent at eight, nine and even ten o’clock. At first you do not call or write – he is busy, why bother him. But after ten you break down, an SMS comes in response: “I’ll be there soon.” You started preparing for the meeting at six, he arrived at eleven o’clock. What are you doing these five hours? Correctly! You think about him. The more we think about a person, the more we become attached to him. This is how our psyche works.

And when he suddenly appears on the threshold with the words: “You are so beautiful! I miss you!”, instead of demonstrating with all our behavior that he has no right to do so, we rejoice and throw ourselves into his arms, forgetting about the five-hour wait.

3. Uncertainty

Your relationship status has not been determined. And when you try to talk about it, the answer is something like: “I thought it was clear!”, “You’re so smart! What questions! ”, As well as transferring the conversation in a different direction:“ You are so beautiful! What a bright blouse! and already familiar: “I thought you were different!”. And we are silent. You never manage to discuss your relationship and come to certainty.

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4. Cancel

This method of influence is called differently: an ice shower, a boycott, a needle, a sharp “next”. Its meaning is that you feel a sharp cooling on his part, or in general – the manipulator disappears for no reason. He does not answer calls and SMS, he is not there, and if he answers, then to the question “What happened?” you get something like: “Everything is fine.” And from his answer breathes such a cold that the withers stand on end. We are being led into a zone of non-existence. For a normal person, this behavior is illogical, so we start looking for reasons. We think “how did I offend him?” and after a few days of such thoughts – we come up with something, and we make ourselves guilty. The illogicality of his behavior leads to feelings of guilt.

It is very important for the manipulator to isolate the victim from people who can provide support, so he directs his forces to devalue her relatives and friends.

5. Unhealthy guilt

Guilt, in other words, conscience, is a reaction of our psyche to actions that violate our own “right or wrong”. If I did something wrong, in my understanding, then the feeling of guilt is normal. I am convinced that a healthy psyche should have the “feeling of guilt” option, and vice versa, its complete absence signals an unhealthy one. But in a relationship with a manipulator, it is precisely an unhealthy feeling of guilt that develops. Time after time, living the circle of hell warm-cold, closer – farther, we lose our orientation in space. The thought “I’m not right” comes to us more and more often, and his behavior only assures us of this. “He is calm, does not apologize, leaves with his head held high, so something is wrong with me.” You start to blame yourself, even though you DID NOTHING!!! The value system is destroyed, your “right-wrong” is no more. You have lost yourself. And finally, he includes the last trick.

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6. Defamation

It devalues ​​your accomplishments and environment. A month ago, he admired your success, now you get slaps in the face in the form of: “I also have a profession!”, “I thought you were smart, but you have errors in SMS”, “You are not what I thought.” It is very important for the manipulator to isolate the victim from people who can provide support, so he directs his forces to devalue her relatives and friends: “Your girlfriend Katya makes eyes at me”, “Your friend is nobody, I don’t understand how such a woman can be friends with such a person” , “I thought you were an independent woman, and you listen to your mother like a five-year-old child,” etc. And the second version of the strategy: “Everyone is against us! Your mom doesn’t love me! Your girlfriend is jealous of you!” etc. Over time, the circle of loved ones leaves your life and you are left alone with this person. Now the victim agrees to everything and does everything possible and impossible to keep him.

Relationships with a manipulator always end badly for the victim – destroyed self-esteem, a destroyed system of values ​​and ideas, lack of friends and professional degradation, which often leads to problems with alcohol and antidepressants. It is extremely difficult to get out of this hell without the help of a specialist, because the manipulator-victim bond has not only a psycho-emotional dependence, but also, over time, a physical one.

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Author: Anna Boginskaya – psychologist, writer-analyst, author of the bestseller “Live Life”

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