For many, buying a home is a lifelong deal. The high cost of an apartment, whether it is an elite complex or a suburban village, does not guarantee clean, decent, friendly neighbors. Even if during the purchase you manage to get to know all the tenants and understand that they are perfect for you, then where a guarantee that in six months a new “wonderful neighbor” will not appear behind the wall. spoke with psychodramatist Olga Malinina about how to negotiate with neighbors in conflict situations so that they do not escalate into war and hatred.

The topic of neighbors is very important. It is not for nothing that settlements began to appearin world, where it is impossible to buy real estate without the consent of the residents living in them. People, taught by bitter experience, create gated communities with prescribed rules in order to build and maintain a comfortable standard of living for all residents.

In many countries, housing relations are regulated by normative legal acts, and neighbors write complaints against each other or sue. In our country there are many gaps in the legislation, and many issues have to be resolved independently. Often we become witnesses of neighborly lawlessness, before which we are powerless. But sometimes we ourselves find ourselves on the other side of offenses and understand that we are all people. But what to do in such a case?

Let’s negotiate

To begin with, it is important to remember that there are people with whom you can agree on something, but there are also those with whom it is difficult or even impossible. But it’s worth starting with the idea that neighbors are friendly comrades. We must try to negotiate more than once, but again, again and again. There is a chance that gradually this dialogue will be built. You can involve other neighbors who live nearby, or bring it up for general discussion in the chat of the residential complex, village, house or entrance. It is worth trying different options and see which one will bring the result in this particular case. Only after all attempts to resolve the situation have been exhausted can a sentence be passed: “It is useless to talk!” – and proceed to heavy artillery, that is, to involve the district and other services. But to move to this stage, it is desirable to be legally savvy and have actual evidence of offenses.

My neighbor is my enemy

It seems to me that in our country, most people do not trust their neighbors, are not ready to communicate with them and see them as enemies or those who deliberately spoil the lives of others. Such a view turns an attempt to agree on something into a claim and insults in a raised tone. Imagine the situation: a woman goes to the neighbors who are doing repairs, asking them to stop noisy work while her baby sleeps. While she was climbing the stairs, she so worked up her fantasies about the refusal and intractability of principled hypocrites that, at the sight of her neighbor, she immediately burst into shouting and threats: “You are making noise here! I’ll call the police now.” It is not surprising that in response, apart from resistance, protection and screaming, this woman will achieve nothing from the surprised neighbors. Because, in their opinion, they were scolded for nothing.

It is very important to learn to see in the neighbors able-bodied people who are ready to help. When discussing the situation, be as polite as possible. There is no guarantee that people will agree, but it is always important to try. As a rule, if a person is not offended by the whole world or is not a sociopath, then he is responsive and easily enters into the position of another. If it was possible to agree, then it is important to be attentive in the opposite direction: do not forget to inform that the child has woken up and they can continue the repair. Or a month later, on the day of the anniversary, warn everyone that it can be noisy, because you will have a holiday. If you forgot, then when they come to you, apologize and thank you for your understanding or turn the volume down. Respect and kind words are not only pleasant for everyone, but also strengthen relationships.

Here’s another! He must!

When a person focuses only on the formal observance of the law, he implies that the other is obliged to remember others and to foresee all the consequences of his actions. If you look at it humanly, then the neighbors really may not understand and not think about the fact that their behavior creates inconvenience for someone. When honestly recalling your own experience, you can find a couple of stories where you were the cause of others’ discomfort. This behavior was not malicious. In order not to create unnecessary enemies and not worry that you yelled at a good person in vain, it is worth taking as a basis that the people around you are initially neutral towards you.

A bad peace is better than a good war

Because of the neighbors, conflicts within the family can occur, when one is ready to go and talk about the noise or smell of cigarettes that bothers him, and the other stops him and offers to be patient so as not to spoil the relationship. The desire to silence your discomfort is more like learned helplessness, when past attempts to negotiate led to mutual irritation and discord, but did not change the situation in any way.

Healthier behavior is when people try to do something, somehow influence what is happening, showing inattentive neighbors that they have violated the acceptable norms of common living. Even if not immediately, but gradually, people have an understanding that they are not alone here and their behavior disrupts the lives of others. In this way respect for each other is formed. As for the tension and distance that arise if it was not possible to agree, then it will be even if you choose to endure and remain silent. The question here is only whether you tried to do something or not. If you express your request in a polite manner, without rudeness and threats, then the further development of the situation depends solely on how the person on the other side behaves: whether he is ready to hear, go forward, try to find a common solution or take a principled position of confrontation.

We will build a house – we will live

Good relations with neighbors are an expensive gift that people may not appreciate until the thunder strikes. It is important not to ignore this side of life and learn to pay attention to building relationships, not shifting responsibility to others and not brushing off with the words: “This does not concern me.” Only by doing something, it is possible to change something. It’s great if in your environment there are tenants who are ready to unite, take responsibility, negotiate, pronounce common rules and live by them. If you find yourself in a situation where neither attempts to negotiate nor the law help, which also happens, then the only option left is to change your place of residence.