Groundless accusations, caustic criticism, envious words – all this hurts a lot. But is it worth giving in to anger and accumulating resentment?

Photo: Legion-MediaPhoto: Legion-Media

It may seem unfair, but the state of resentment costs us dearly. Studies by physiologists show that resentment in a person increases blood pressure and the level of stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline), insomnia and digestive disorders develop.

Psychologists, on the other hand, note such an unpleasant phenomenon as cyclic thoughts: they again and again return the offended person to a conflict situation, forcing him to play various scenarios for resolving it. It distracts from everyday affairs and does not allow you to live a full life.

In some cases, avoidance behavior develops. It manifests itself in a person’s unwillingness to communicate with certain people, use some objects (put on a hat that someone made fun of), engage in certain activities (play the guitar after harsh criticism). As a result, resentment changes the habitual way of life of a person, forcing him to suffer not only from once heard unflattering words, but also from various inconveniences.

Analyze it!
It turns out that forgiving the offender is good for health and peace of mind. But that doesn’t mean you approve of his actions. Often it is enough to understand the motives of his act – and the mental pain will dull, or even disappear altogether. For example, if a single friend is skeptical about your man or an unemployed neighbor is dismissive of your company, then they are most likely driven by envy. Their words are the cry of the soul, which has nothing to do with you personally.

In addition to envy, one often has to deal with the following motives.
Curiosity. Combined with faux pas and bad parenting, it can push a person to violate your personal boundaries and invade your innermost experiences.
Stupidity. Sometimes we think too well of our offender, attributing to him thoughts that he is not capable of. Stop looking for a black cat in a dark room: it’s not there!
Egocentrism. Self-interest prevents some people from adequately assessing their behavior and their abilities. If a colleague claims that he is the only one worthy of a promotion, don’t take it personally. The person simply forgot about the existence of other employees.

Execution cannot be pardoned
There are grievances that cannot be forgotten and forgiven. Then you should try to turn them to your advantage. Some situations serve as excellent inoculation. Faced with the betrayal of a colleague who told everyone about your personal problems, you will become more restrained in communicating with people, protecting yourself from new troubles. A woman who has survived the betrayal of her beloved acquires a scent for Don Juan and avoids them in the future. No wonder many say that they are grateful to their offenders: faced with meanness, they learned to understand people and were able to find their happiness.

Remove the stone from the heart
Don’t remember the past. If you decide to forgive the offender, try not to remember his sins.
Avoid ultimatums. Do not threaten or demand anything in return for forgiveness. Stepping over his pride and repenting, the offender already pays a high price. Don’t humiliate him. If they apologize to you do not use this situation to take revenge and make claims.
Don’t lose your self-respect. Do not try to arouse pity towards yourself in order to increase the offender’s guilt.
Try to treat the unpleasant situation with humor to avoid over-dramatization.