All people are different. When they meet, these differences can repel and repel. And those that “bounced” from us may well be great partners for someone else. But there are several specific types of people, barely meeting whom it is better to immediately say “come on, goodbye.” The male and female classification of types that will “poison” your life for a long time and discourage new relationships are different from each other. Then five men, seeing whom you should just run in the opposite direction.
You can confidently say that a man is a loser somewhere after 35 years. Until the age of 35, many men behave like Ilya Muromets – they lie on the stove “30 years and 3 years”, and then they get up and defeat the Nightingale the Robber or kill Tugarin the Serpent. I immediately recall the anecdote “what if there is a war, and I’m tired.” Yes, for some time men tend to save themselves for “war” or “feat” – they look around, smoothly approach the target, maybe make a few trial attempts, but if your potential boyfriend is over 35, and he is still full of projectors about a prosperous future, but in the present it has ruins – run. A man without a home or with a bed in a hostel – run. A man without a job or with a job for the minimum wage – run. A man with housing, but it is still divided by courts with his ex-wife – run. A man without a car – run. A man who once had everything “good”, but became “bad” and this “bad” has been going on for 8 years – run. There is one old film “Looking for a Woman”. His heroine, an eccentric but charming lady, says in it the wonderful phrase “With a good woman, a man can become a man.” It is only partly true – a woman can inspire and guide a man, but only if the man himself wants to go somewhere and achieve something. If a man likes to suffer – to blame life, the government, evil people, terrible circumstances – he just likes to suffer. You can break into a cake, trying to “save” him – to help, to show the other, brighter side of life, you can even let him live with you, feed, water and clothe, so long as nothing distracts him from a fresh start. He won’t fly. Instead, he will still suffer and blame only with you and on you. Spare your strength, spend it on yourself.
2. Alcoholic or suffering from any other type of addiction
Any addiction is a voluntary choice of a person and a heavy burden for everyone around him. Many of my psychologist colleagues, and myself, do not want and do not undertake to work with addicts, not just for money, but for very big money. Because it is long, it is extremely difficult and it is very unpromising. Because the result – recovery – depends on the willpower and desire of a person to say goodbye to his addiction. And there are just problems with willpower, otherwise the addict would not have become what he has become. And since specialists don’t take money for money, then why should an ordinary woman take on the whole heavy burden of someone else’s choice, someone else’s problems, someone else’s life for “just like that”? Yes, history knows examples when women “saved” – helped men, if not completely overcome addiction, then let’s say so much to neutralize its influence and in vain prolong a man’s life. The same Vysotsky, who was an alcoholic and a drug addict, was rescued and pulled out by many beautiful and talented women. Dostoevsky, a gamer, was kept afloat by his second wife, Anna Snitkina. It was under her that the writer’s creativity flourished. Mikhail Bulgakov was a morphine addict and his first wife, Tatyana Lappa, drank all the consequences of this in full. But they were geniuses, they could serve and sacrifice themselves for the sake of this service. I also know several examples when ordinary women went with ordinary men all the way to overcome addiction and won, eventually creating strong families, giving birth to children. But this path was full of hardships, it requires too much from a woman, but there may never be a payment for “a lot”. Are you ready for this?
3. Controlling and jealous
With this type, not everything is so obvious and it is not easy to recognize him at the beginning of a relationship. Control can be confused with caring, and jealousy can be treated as some kind of “peppercorn” that enlivens relationships. However, the more you get close to such a man, the more the “norm” will turn into “pathology”. At first, such a man “envelops”, he acts confidently and swiftly – he calls, invites, chooses, for example, he may appear on the threshold of your house with homemade pies. But for me, the disturbing beacon is that this man never asks what you want. And if he asks, he still does not hear the answer. In the end, you still go where he wants and eat the pies that he cooked, although in general in life you may not like pies. And eat them when he brought them, not when you might feel like it. Further more. Having moved in with him, you may find that your friends do not suit him, he quarreled with your parents, and even your pixie-style haircut, which he liked so much when he met, no longer suits him, from now on you only need a “page” and he decided it. Control can also manifest itself in jealousy, you will be measured by the hour, meticulously interrogated about every delay and accused of flirting with a “lamp post”. As a rule, these men are losers in life, but losers of a different type than described in paragraph 1. The loser from paragraph 1 is doing poorly, he complains about it with pleasure to everyone and is looking for some kind of “savior” so that he can succeed “suck”. Like Vasisualy Lokhankin, who appreciated his wife Varvara “for her big white breasts and salary.” Loser – the controller does not complain and does not admit his failures. On the contrary, he inflates his small low-paid work to the scale of the “President of the Universe”, and he is looking for a woman to suppress and subjugate her, in order to dominate her, to compensate for his insignificance in life.
At first I thought to call this type a “liar”, but on reflection, I realized that there is a huge difference between them – a liar uses a lie to get a certain benefit, a dreamer likes the process itself, he sincerely believes in what he composes. So he creates for himself a different, fantasy reality. What for? Because his present, for some reason, does not suit him, but he also does not want to change it, again, for some reason of his own. Examples: when a married man hides the fact that he is married or, on the contrary, confidently says “free”, he is simply lying in order to lure a woman into bed. Because he understands that few free women immediately agree to become a mistress. When the groom from the Internet tells you over the Internet that he loves you, he will come to you, you will get married soon, you will have three children and their names will be Petya, Masha and Natasha, but at the same time take a real step – come and get to know him all the time interfere with some insurmountable obstacles – this is a dreamer. He doesn’t need you, or the wedding, or even one, but a really screaming child. But it’s nice to dream that all this is possible and he’s not at all a coward who is afraid of relationships, but a normal man, just … It’s just that circumstances get in the way.
5. A man with an incomplete past
For me, it’s kind of like an addiction. The main sign of an incomplete relationship is a long term – from 2 years or more. When I meet men who have been divorced for 10 years, but continue to live in the same apartment with their ex-wife and share it according to the court, I understand that this is a way of life that both like. People are stuck in mutual resentment and in the desire to prove whose truth is more right. When I see couples who do not live together for 5 years, but do not get divorced, but continue to call each other to sort things out, swear, involve outsiders in these showdowns, they like it so much. Why can’t you be with such a man? Can. It’s just that you will be drawn into these conflicts, these courts, these showdowns. A man will happily and emotionally discuss them with you, in the midst of your love joys, his “ex”, but “legitimate” may call him, guess how your joys will end? You will find out that you will not be able to go on vacation, as the man will guard the apartment from which his ex-wife can evict him. These dramas are for a very big fan.
In general, for me, an indicator of the comfort of a relationship is whether I like myself in these relationships. If paired with a man most of the time I feel irritable, angry, anxious, preoccupied, tired, gloomy, grumpy – this man does not suit me. May he be thrice beautiful. If I feel good in a relationship, I want to smile, make surprises, there is a desire to create, new ideas are born – a man inspires me. Men who inspire you!
Author: Elena Shpundra, psychologist, journalist, traveler
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