Psychologists, coaches and bloggers unanimously give advice: “Learn to rely on yourself.” Despite the fact that each individual word is understandable, the question is, what to do, remains open. asked for help Gestalt therapist, rector of the International Academy of Gestalt Olga Aleeva, to understand what “pillars” are and get recommendations on how to stand in the current unstable world.

Support is the ability of a person to easily and quickly adapt to any unexpected changes in his life: dismissal, divorce, a collapse in the exchange rate, the death of a loved one, or an unexpected lottery win. If a person is not coping, he can ask for help and support from relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors or a specialist. However, there are circumstances when something happens to everyone at the same time, and it turns out that the closest people are not up to you. Unfortunately, we cannot control external events so that while something happens to one, the other is fine and ready to help at any moment, like Chip and Dale. But that doesn’t mean you should stop asking for help. So that unexpected rejection does not buckle your legs, it is important to learn how to take care of yourself.

How not to be upset because of the actions of other people?

There is always risk in dealing with people or structures. An experience is something a person gets without a guarantee that it will be 100% positive. It is important to learn to trust yourself first. When a person feels strong fear, he tries to find a stronger one to hide behind him and his decisions, completely shifting responsibility for his life to another. Such thoughtless salvation is fraught with the fact that the “strong” will act only in their own interests. After a while, the person will feel cheated. To prevent this from happening, it is important to understand what kind of result is needed from communicating with another. If there is no such understanding, then it is important to learn to track your state: feelings, emotions, thoughts, desires. From these puzzles, you can assemble a holistic picture of yourself and your needs. The better a person knows himself, the easier it will be for him to decide.

What is important to know and understand about yourself in order to be sustainable?

Man has a body, a head and four limbs: two legs and two arms. Each of these parts in a metaphorical sense has its own special meaning as a support in the process of adaptation in difficult situations. If you try to remove one of them, then you can compensate for its absence by making the most of all the others. However, people often ignore this knowledge as unnecessary and discover its absence or weakness at the most inopportune moment, when a partner reports that he has cheated or leaves, when a manager declares that he no longer needs your services, or a doctor reports a complex diagnosis. With good health and external stability, few people are interested in the question of how to cope with emergencies.

Legs – material and spiritual worlds

First pillar. One leg is responsible for the bodily support – the physical and material poles. That is, a person knows how to experience his different emotions, monitors his body, a certain level of comfort and financial prosperity in order to maintain his good health. He plays sports; if he is cold, he puts on warm clothes; if it is hot, he takes care of the influx of fresh air – for example, opens the window. If a person falls ill, then he gives himself time to restore the body. He does not ignore his condition and satisfies basic physiological needs. They include sex as a sexual release. In this case, any grounding practices that bring attention back from the state of anxiety to the here and now help well: put your feet on the floor, put your hands on your knees, straighten your back, start breathing, then try to cling to the floor with your toes.

Second support. The second leg is the spiritual world, or the metaphysical pole. A person must have an ideological position: conscience, morality, traditions, experience that a person has accumulated. This is the spiritual wealth of the individual. Everyone has it different. If adults told fairy tales or parables to a child in childhood, then, despite the fact that they did not have their own experience, they were perceived by a significant person as some undeniable value.

The head is the rational pole

Third pillar. A person makes his choice in different circumstances. Making a firm decision is possible only when a person stands firmly on both feet. If he is worried, does not understand who is good and who is bad, what are his values, what financial obligations he has, then the person commits rash impulsive acts that have negative consequences.

Before making any choice and taking hasty actions, it would be good to re-establish contact with the body, with its awareness, with one’s own ideological position. Then thoughts, choices and behavior are conditioned by something personal and, by definition, are more suitable for a person. As a result, there are fewer disappointments and misunderstandings, as this could happen in his life.

Hands – affective, relational and social, organizational poles

Sometimes, despite the fact that a person experiences different feelings and has a clear position, he says: “I don’t know what choice I should make. Suddenly it will be wrong. I doubt”. Then he needs additional assistants who are responsible for contact with other people: “from heart to heart.”

Fourth pillar. One hand, closer to the heart – an affective relational pole. A person does not just feel, but knows from what feelings his reactions come: “Now I’m angry, now I love, and now I’m scared, and that’s why I do it.” He knows how to express himself spontaneously, not limiting himself with thoughts: “What will people say?” Not suppressing or denying your negative emotions and qualities.

Fifth pillar. The second hand, the social or organizational pole, is people. Man is a social being. In order to develop and survive, he needs other people. If you look at the most terrible punishment humanity has come up with, it turns out that this is a solitary confinement, where, being among other people, a person is completely isolated from the possibility of contact with them and is forced to rely only on himself. This is the world around us, other people and the relationships that a person himself builds: he goes to work, studies, communicates with friends, relatives, neighbors. If other supports don’t work, then communication is a good substitute.

How do we deprive ourselves of support

Ideally, when a person walks on two legs, both hands are working, and the head makes the right choices. But this is not always the case. Sometimes it even seems that there is not a single support. It is not true. There is still something, and it is important to look for it. A person is so arranged that in a difficult situation he is inclined to see an insurmountable obstacle, repeating like a mantra: “This is impossible. The doctor said that everyone is like this, ”not even trying to do something, but actively finding confirmation of why it won’t work. Support is not an innate feeling that some people have and some don’t. Support is a consequence of integrity, which is formed due to the five directions. It is important to learn to notice that here and now I am suffering, but I am not doing anything to change it. You can start asking yourself questions: “How can I now organize my life in the new conditions? What steps can I take? How can I bring myself to wholeness? If we have lost our supports and cannot cope on our own, then we should ask for help from specialists.