Anna Boginskaya – psychologist, writer-analyst, author of the bestseller “Live Life” begins a series of articles “Love or Manipulation” on the most exciting topics in the relationship between a man and a woman. Is it love or is it love? Why is my relationship getting in the way? Manipulation: a story from a movie or from my life? Why do I tolerate it? He’s so nice, but he keeps hurting me? How to be happy while saving yourself?
Is it love or is it love?
I confess that this material has been “ripening” in me for a long time. But this is just one of those cases when you write, because it is impossible to remain silent. I want to warn you that most likely it can hurt many people or cause a wave of indignation … Or maybe everything will be different? Maybe it will only reach those for whom it is relevant and who are ready to accept such a view of the world.
What made me talk about it? I listen too often to the stories of unfortunate women, and sometimes men. And they all start with the same phrase. My husband (boyfriend, lover, friend, mistress, wife, girlfriend – underline as necessary) is a very good person, but he constantly hurts me. The methods of causing pain are different, more often psychological, sometimes physical. The point is not the method. I ask the question: “Why do you tolerate this?”. Answer: Love. At this moment, I want to scream, howl and fight in hysterics. Is it love?
If I ask you: what does lemon taste like? Sour. You will answer. What watermelon? Sweet. What tenderness? Pleasant. Such a pain? Unpleasant. What love? We are interesting people, we all want love, but we cannot immediately answer what it is.
Love is a creative feeling
Let’s understand together what love is. The explanatory dictionary says: love is a feeling inherent in a person, a deep attachment to another person or object, a feeling of deep sympathy. Love is also considered as a philosophical category, in the form of a subjective relationship, an intimate selective feeling directed at the object of love. But more often the wording is used: deep psycho-emotional attachment to the object.
For me personally, the “deep attachment” part of the wording is more interesting, or rather, what causes it? (We’ll talk about this in other articles.) Can a person who “hurts” cause a feeling of sympathy? Many will answer: actually it shouldn’t, but it causes … therefore love. As in a joke: the mouse was crying, but continued to eat the cactus…
Can a destructive relationship be called love? No. It turns out that the wording is vague. And maybe this is the problem of society? We are not taught in school a clear understanding of what love is, and even Google gives a very vague explanation. I believe that love is necessarily a creative feeling.
Respect, trust and attraction are the key to a healthy relationship
This bright feeling should definitely bring positive emotions and always carry three components: respect, trust and attraction. Therefore, everything that hurts and turns you into a slave cannot be love. It should be called codependency, manipulation, passion, anything but love. Once upon a time, a person thought that the Earth is flat and stands on three whales, and the lights in the night sky are the souls of the dead, they say hello to us. Everything has changed, and since then we know that the Earth is round, and the stars shine in the sky. We can be anywhere on the planet during the day, we know chemistry, physics and even studied neutrinos, created the Internet and much more, but we are still confused in understanding what Love is.
Maybe it’s time?
Maybe it’s time to see something for yourself from a different angle? Maybe it’s time to get rid of the confusion? Maybe it’s time to stop thinking the earth is flat… And don’t call love what love isn’t. After all, llove has nothing to do with pain. This deep and pure feeling cannot hurt.
Let’s stop believing in the myths made up by victims of destructive relationships. Let’s get rid of imposed stereotypes, pathological attitudes that have nothing to do with a bright, sincere and creative feeling of Love.
To be continued…
Author: Anna Boginskaya