Different people like completely different manifestations of attention and love. Everyone has their own understanding of how they want to be treated. This is a kind of native language, which does not always coincide with the partner’s native language.
For some, the true manifestation of love is constant care and help, for others – signs of attention in the form of surprises, gifts and flowers. To some, all this seems unnecessary if the partner is never around.
It is useless to declare love to someone in one language if your interlocutor understands only in another, different from yours. Therefore, in order to be heard and understood, you need to speak the same language with your companion.
What are the languages of love
What to do if you really want to be given flowers and gifts, compliments, but the young man does not understand this? Is it possible to learn the language of your partner? In search of answers to these questions, I stumbled upon Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages.
Chapman breeds the concepts of falling in love and love. Falling in love is a temporary emotional outburst that suddenly comes into life and also unexpectedly leaves it. Love is a choice, an act of will that requires discipline and recognizes the need for growth. You are trying for another person, and if you succeed, then you yourself rejoice that you truly love.
Conscious choice is opposed to the euphoria of falling in love. You can love each other even after the feelings are gone. The question is to make the right choice in favor of love and respect for the interests of your partner. In this case, the main thing is to speak with your companion in his language.
The author identifies five love languages: words of encouragement, time, gifts, help, touch.
1. Encouraging words
Words of encouragement are one of the five main languages. There are those for whom it is very important to be appreciated and praised in time. When such people are admired, they are grateful and ready for exploits and any requests. For example, to inspire confidence in your partner, you just need to praise him once again.
Praise and support help the partner to feel their importance. They bring you closer, heal wounds, and allow you both to achieve something in life. The right words give determination and set you up for victory.
It is important to be able to admire not only impressive results, but also to believe in the capabilities of your beloved. Talk about strengths, not weaknesses. Then mountains will be moved for you.
For someone who speaks the language of time, the main thing is to spend time together. Being together means paying attention to each other, not just being around. When you spend time together, you should give your partner full attention, talk, focusing on the interlocutor, and not create the illusion of spending time together.
Often people misunderstand the needs of their partner. If your partner’s language is time, don’t rush to find solutions to their problems. You need to be able to show that you understand how hard and insulting your companion is, because he wants understanding. It is necessary to listen, empathize, try to understand the thoughts, feelings and desires of another.
Sometimes learning to listen is almost as difficult as learning a foreign language. But in order to understand a partner, this will have to be done. Try not to advise, but to sympathize. Try to understand, not offer a solution. Ask more questions and try to focus on the person rather than their problem.
For many, loving and giving are one and the same. So, for some, visible symbols of love are in gifts. Symbols have emotional value. At the same time, the price of gifts is absolutely not important, because the main thing is attention. You were looking for a gift, therefore, you thought of a person and spent your time on it.
To a person who speaks the language of gifts, their price is indifferent. At the same time, the language of gifts is the simplest. You can buy some small things or make something with your own hands. Even your presence can be a gift. If you understand that you need exactly this kind of attention, say it out loud. Maybe your partner just doesn’t understand that it matters to you at all.
If it seems to you that your partner is not helping, and you are tired of doing everything yourself, then your language is help. For this type of people, helping is doing something for another. Help can be different: deal with the car, pick up from work, clean the apartment or walk the dog. When helping a partner, you try to please him by showing your love. Help takes time and effort.
If it’s really important to you that your partner help with something that’s causing you difficulty, and he doesn’t understand it, ask. Help should only be asked for, not ordered. And you don’t have to be offended if they don’t help you by default. Perhaps your companion has a different understanding of the world.
For some people, the only way to feel love is through touch. It is very important for such people to hold hands, they need to be constantly hugged, kissed, touched. Tactile receptors for such people are decisive. But be careful: not everything that you like may be liked by your partner, so it’s better to ask him about desires.
It is very important for such people to feel the physical closeness of a person. If your partner is from this group, the main thing you need to do in difficult times is to be there. A person will find more comfort in your arms than in any words of support.
How to understand what language you speak
When do you feel loved? If you can’t answer, you can go from the opposite: what do you miss the most in a relationship? What hurts and hurts you the most?
If criticism and condemnation of a loved one hurts the most, then your language is words of encouragement. If you are upset by the absence of flowers at home and rare surprises, gifts are your language. If it offends that a young man is always at work, and you spend little time together, time.
Think about how you yourself express love, what you do in a relationship. Probably, you would like to receive the same in return.
And don’t be offended by your partner’s criticism. Try to take it right. It helps to determine the partner’s language, this is his way of asking for love.
Why learn love languages
Sometimes it is extremely important to see the world through the eyes of another person. Everyone has different needs, and that’s okay. Sometimes, in order to save a relationship, it is enough to understand in time what is important for your partner, and not just for you. Then it will be possible to support him as he needs. Give people what they need, not you.