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Everyone has their own preferences and their own list of categorical “no” – traits that we would not want to see in a partner. Someone definitely will not build a relationship with someone who does not want children. For some, a common religion is very important. Are there any universal “alarm bells”? For example, cheating in a past relationship. Does this mean that a person will not be faithful in the present?
Not necessarily, says psychotherapist Tammy Nelson, author of When You’re the One Who Cheats. In her opinion, one of the most common beliefs – “Changed once, will change again” – is not always true. However, there are several signs that will help identify a serial traitor.
1. Problems with self-esteem
The constant desire for new victories on the love front for some is a way to instantly raise low self-esteem or a subconscious desire to prove something to themselves.
“Sometimes people cheat to prove their worth, to show that they are good enough, worthy and desirable. And it can be a way to fill a gap in self-esteem, notes Tammy Nelson. – Gradually, chronic affairs turn into an internal source of pressure, when one novel is no longer enough and you need to convince yourself again and again that you are worth something. In fact, no relationship can finally convince such people of their own importance.
2. Blaming exes for breakups
One of the most obvious signs of a serial cheater is the inability to take responsibility for their actions and mistakes. This is especially noticeable in past relationships. If a person blames former partners for everything, then he is hardly capable of self-reflection and healthy personal development.
“It’s time for traitors to stop blaming others for their campaigns to the left. No matter how unhappy they feel and no matter how angry they are with their partners, no one deserves such treatment, ”Nelson insists.
3. Breach of obligations
Every relationship has its own agreements and unspoken rules. And as soon as they are violated, problems appear. For example, if both partners are great about open relationships and they are absolutely satisfied with this state of affairs, everything is fine. However, if a couple has previously agreed on a monogamous union, and later one of them suddenly changed his mind and violated his obligations, this is unacceptable.
4. Uncontrollable attraction
It can lead to unacceptable behavior of a sexual, emotional or other nature. This is because a person begins to be much more interested not in the fact of satisfaction, but in the process of finding it.
“When a cheater repeats the same patterns of behavior over and over again, for example, constantly starts emotional or sexual affairs, it turns into a mania. And it’s not about the need for love or passion as such, but about the impossibility of living without the search process itself,” explains Tammy Nelson.
If you find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that a partner has some of these characteristics, do not forget that people are much deeper and more complex. “Change can be anything, but not simple. As much as we like to think of cheaters as bad people, most of them want to be honest and tell the truth,” notes Tammy Nelson. Problems with self-esteem in a loved one does not automatically mean that he will not be able to remain faithful to you. Look at the big picture and talk to your partner about what is bothering you.