Criticism, any, is quite painful. Even despite the fact that it sometimes plays a useful role, without knowing what we are doing badly, we will never learn how to do it well. But criticism at its core is an assessment.
If the assessment is negative, then we perceive it much more than just “two” for an unlearned lesson. In the words “You did it badly” we often hear “You are bad.” The roots of this phenomenon lie not only in childhood, when the “stick” method was used as education at school and at home, forgetting that it should alternate with the “carrot”. All the messages “for one beaten they give two unbeaten”, “do not praise, otherwise you will spoil it” are still used in families. In addition, our society as a whole is not set up for a complimentary form of interaction – we are silent about the good, taking it for granted, but we often talk about the bad. And often we speak shouting.
At work, we are criticized, in transport they tell us what we did wrong, in social networks they also pour in negative assessments and unsolicited advice.
Of course, in a relationship, I really want there to be less shouting, so that there is no criticism, and so that the partner is for us the person who admires, appreciates, encourages and supports us. However, there is nothing perfect in the world, which means that there are always moments when you need to tell a person what he is doing wrong.
How to criticize men?
There is an opinion that men cannot be criticized, it only makes them angry and in general he can go to another woman who only praises. The path of flattery at first glance, of course, is smoother, but then a woman has to suppress too much in herself. And this always has consequences. Therefore, men can and should be criticized, just, most importantly, do it right.
A few simple rules will help you with this:
1. Never criticize a man in public. Even if he “screwed up” at a party, in public, at an event – smile and support him as much as you can. Talk about everything that was wrong at home, when no one but you will be around. If you have children, then you should not forget that this rule of eye-to-eye criticism applies to them too. Don’t scold your child in public. Do not let your child witness how you and your husband criticize each other. The purpose of criticism is to change actions, to teach a person to behave differently, and not to humiliate him, trample on self-esteem and instill a loser syndrome.
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2. Use the “i-messages” system – not to talk about what the man did wrong, but to talk about himself, about how the act hurt your feelings. Then the man hears not that he is “bad”, but that some of his actions cause you discomfort, which he did not even know about.
3. Don’t forget about the simple balance of “one nasty, one joy”, and “joy” should come first. First tell the man what he is doing well, why you love and appreciate him, let him feel this moment and only then move on to criticism, to what you would like to change.
4. Separate criticism of actions from criticism of personality. Behavior can be changed, personality cannot. If you married a simple hard worker with a low but stable income, it is pointless to scold him why he does not make a career, does not earn more, and has not yet become an oligarch in general. You married a man without ambition, but he certainly has other virtues. He cannot change himself and find ambition in himself, just because you have them.
5. First evaluate your participation in the situation for which you want to criticize the man, and the situation itself – is it strong enough to start a “debriefing”. If a man brought you a bouquet of tulips, and you love roses, then perhaps it was worth somehow letting the man understand your preferences earlier? Or find beauty in tulips, smile and just say “thank you”. If you want to receive a certain birthday gift and you know that your man can do it, then tell him about it directly or take him to the store, show the thing and purr affectionately, how wonderful it would be if you found it among your gifts. There are things that the other person will not know or guess about us simply because he is different. So give hints before giving negative ratings.
6. Do not be silent and do not accumulate resentment. Discuss situations as soon as unpleasant moments and misunderstandings arise. Many women first use the tactic of silence out of a desire to be good, not offend, not scare away. But from silence, unpleasant situations do not disappear, they accumulate, accumulate in the same way, negative emotions inside. Don’t expect an explosion. While you are silent, the man with you thinks that everything is in order. The more misunderstanding will be, the later he finds out that everything was wrong from the very beginning of the relationship.
7. Offensive words and insults are taboo even for the most fair criticism. There are things after which you can no longer just say “I’m sorry.” Imagine that hurtful words are knives that you throw at your partner. Think about what you want – to change an act or kill a person?
Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Take care of each other and your relationship.