The other day, a Facebook feed threw me an advertisement for the event of a well-known TV presenter with a white-toothed smile. Everything you wanted to know about men but were afraid to ask. Even earlier, a bald head shone from everywhere, then no one knew a boy of about 30, who confidently offered a whole course on how to fall in love with a man, and also undertook to teach women femininity.
Interestingly, in his 30s, 20 years of which the boy was just growing up – he learned not to write in his pants and live without a mother, he managed to learn all the secrets of male-female relationships and solve the riddle of femininity.
The great poet with rich hair was never able to comprehend the depth and changeability of the female soul, but the bald boy did it. Investigate whether the effect of hair density on the rate of development?
Anyway. I’m not talking about that. And that all the numerous trainings created by men for women look very attractive. A man who knows something, either because he is a psychologist, or because he is just a man, promises to share with us some secret, and if you are lucky, more than one – how to find the path to the desired “female” happiness. Which, of course, is about “would be cute next.”
And the women follow the music of the fakir spellbound, carrying their money to where – they think – they will be sold, if not the key to the cherished door, then at least they will indicate where this very door is located, behind which MMM is hiding – the Man of My Dreams.
I’m not a man. I am a cynical woman. Also a psychologist. And I firmly know that it is impossible to know someone until you know yourself. It’s impossible to find someone if you don’t know what you want or hide your desires. It is impossible to dream about love with another if you have not loved yourself.
One of my friends has been hanging out on the most popular online dating sites for years.
On some, it even has several different profiles, so it expands the range of its visibility. Men appear in her life quite often. But here’s the problem – everyone is not the same and not so. For years, my friend has been complaining about the next gentlemen: Vasya came on a date without flowers, Petya invited her for a walk, instead of a restaurant, Mikhail Petrovich is a plasterer, Igor could not keep up the conversation about neo-Gothic, and David turned out to be Georgian in general. As if he pretended to be Italian.
The list of claims against men is long. As soon as I think that I have already heard all of them, and the new applicant Oleg turns out to be at least something good, a friend reports that she saw a flaw in him – he, it turns out, does not speak French. My friend doesn’t speak either. But from a man he wants to hear “je t’aime”.
As you may have guessed, it’s not about men. It’s about the woman. Which is actually very offended by the fact that once in her past a man devalued her success and desire for development. Now she devalues men.
Of course, she will not admit it even to herself, because it will be very painful. It’s all the fault of the men who grinded. But in fact, the longer she takes offense and devalues, the more she falls into the clinch “I’m so cool, but no one needs” – and even more offended and suffers from undervaluation.
But how can those whom you devalue yourself be able to appreciate?
I’m already late
Another acquaintance is quietly thrilled by swarthy brunettes of about 25 years old.
And dark-skinned brunettes like it too. But she is 35. And everyone around is looking expectantly “when to get married.”
But for a successful 35-year-old woman to come out and go out with a black young guy is not just bad manners, it is a failure. Therefore, she is looking for a man 35-45 years old, with education, career, no children and the list goes on.
And such men come across to her. But they don’t like everyone as one, simply because they are not dark-skinned 25-year-old brunettes.
Another especially from men does not require anything. More precisely, it does not set strict criteria – age, height, weight, occupation.
And men are willing to get acquainted with her. But on the first date, she gets drunk in the trash, and the man is often forced to drag her unconscious body home.
Sometimes such meetings end in casual sex, and in the morning the girlfriend cannot even remember the name of the partner. But more often than not, dates end in nothing, because most men simply don’t care about ugly drunk women with smeared makeup.
A friend had a domineering, critical and devaluing father, and such behavior with men is both a fact to dad and an expression of the girl’s own inner pain, who grew up in dislike.
Relationship with mother
And finally, the last heroine of this story. Smart, pretty, successful. But avoids men as a species.
Of course, if you ask her if she wants to get married or at least have sex, she will sigh sadly and fold her eyebrows in a house: “Yes, but not with anyone.”
If you ask very persistently, you may even bashfully post a profile on a dating site. Then to no one to answer. And to sit in ambush and shoot all the men through the embrasure without even making contact with them.
Of course, with this approach, it very quickly begins to seem that you live on the planet of women, and men are either enemies or have disappeared along with the mammoths.
There are no men, but there is a strong fear and rejection of one’s femininity. And a history of abusive, repressive mother. Mom has been gone for a long time, but this girl still carries her mother’s “you are a freak” behind her. He wears it so that it has already become part of the skin.
How to find the keys to happiness
Will the training of a bald boy or the lectures of a white-toothed TV presenter help these women? I think no.
After all, the failures of their personal lives are not the fault of men. And those features of yourself that you don’t want to see yet. I want to look at the door called “Women’s Happiness” and believe that someone will give the key to it. Or sell for a high price.
I am a cynical woman and I am a psychologist. And I know that no one will sell you the key to the door of your happiness.
You either cut down this door yourself, enter it and be happy. Or you will run trainings until old age.
And no, I’m not against training, and bald boys can even be very sexy, like white-toothed presenters. But being happy is not winning the lottery, it is your choice.
And it does not depend on the presence or absence of a man. It depends only on you.