Last time we talked about the fact that love is always a creative feeling that carries respect, trust and attraction. And what causes us pain, suffering, makes us endure psychological pressure should be called differently.

Quarrel between a man and a woman - photoQuarrel between a man and a woman - photo

Every day I receive letters or hear stories that are strikingly similar. (The word similarity fits here the most, because it contains “tin”). “He mistreats me. I’m unhappy with him! Question: Why are you patient? Answer: “I love you.” Listening to these stories, I am convinced all the time that the word “love” is often used to justify one’s own inaction and fattening the state of the victim. Perhaps that sounds harsh. But, unfortunately, these are the realities.

The story is not about love

Let me tell you one of those stories.

Tatyana, 47 years old, says:

— We met when I was 21. I am young and in demand. Daughter of an influential person in those days. She was not in a hurry to marry – she went through the suitors. He is young and in a Mercedes! At that time it meant rich. I courted for a long time, I did not react, then I gave up. Time passed, all my girlfriends got married – I’m 23. It’s time! And he is such a prince! The only one who was against it was my father. “This is not your man, daughter. You’re looking at the wrong thing, Mercedes and money are dust in the eyes. Look at the man!” he said. They had a fabulous wedding. The girlfriends were all jealous: “How lucky you are. Handsome, with money, loves! I got pregnant. The first major scandal occurred when I was in my sixth month.

“Tatyana, I don’t believe that the scandal was the first,” I ask my frequent question.

“We had some disagreements before that,” she agrees.

– Why did you turn a blind eye to this and did not break off the relationship before the wedding?

— Loved. Yes, I thought – we’re rubbing it. But what he said then is terrible to remember! But I forgave. How can you leave? I’m pregnant. A daughter was born. Every time he was in a bad mood or something didn’t work out. He spoke about my worthlessness, that I recovered after giving birth, that I didn’t earn money, that … There are a lot of these “that” and they are all obscene. I cried from resentment, and then I began to think that maybe I need to change. I tried – I lost weight, cooked, cleaned, looked after the child, but it didn’t change anything. He continued to verbally humiliate me. But all this happened inside, and outside everyone admired – an exemplary family. No one could even imagine what this “sample” cost me.

– That is, he continued psychological violence, you understood that. Why did you stay with him?

— Loved. How can you leave – we have a child. And what will people say?

– And the father? I ask.

– My father did not know, I did not tell – it’s a shame. Didn’t tell anyone. Tanya is the daughter of such a dad who “couldn’t add up the price for herself.” And on you! Girlfriends would be delighted!

Then my father died unexpectedly – a heart attack at work. After that, all hell broke loose. If before it was only words, now he has already begun to raise his hand. Apparently he was afraid of his father. I threatened to leave, he asked for forgiveness. And we lived on.

Why didn’t you go to your mother?

“I never had a close relationship with my mother. And after the death of his father, they stopped communicating completely. Where should I go? I don’t earn anything, I have a small child in my arms, and although he humiliated me, I always had money. Yes, and my girlfriends have the same thing – only there is no money. I listened to their stories, but kept silent about mine. They continued to envy and lament “How lucky you are Tanya and her husband!”. Yes, and I loved, probably, otherwise I would not have endured. My husband started having problems in business, he began to drink more than usual, friends brought the “body” and put it on the sofa in the office. I put the basins and washed the sheets. Listened to everything he had to say. I have a seven year old daughter, I am 31. How can I get a divorce? Who needs me? Husband lost his business. There was no money at all. All that was left of all the wealth was an apartment and a Mercedes. Drinking binges lasted for weeks, scandals too.

– Why didn’t they leave? I ask again.

— How to leave? Sorry for him. What will people say? As money was, so she lived, as it was gone – she immediately left. I started looking for part-time jobs. At first she sold cosmetics, then she opened a warehouse. Over time, everything fell on my shoulders, he did not earn money, but he helped me bring and bring. But at the same time he continued to drink and continued to humiliate.

Why didn’t they leave?! – I can’t stand it.

— How to leave? My daughter is graduating, going to college. Yes, and almost all friends have already divorced, and we are an exemplary couple. The daughter entered Kyiv. I was left alone with him. I am fourty years old. I earned, he continued to humiliate me. And in my last year I was beaten so that I was in the hospital for two weeks. On top of that, it also turned out that he had a mistress. I wanted to leave. And then the daughter says that she will come to visit with her boyfriend. He proposed to her. Well, how to leave? Who needs a girl from a family whose parents are divorced? I decided I would leave after the wedding. And now I’m thinking “How to leave? Everyone thinks that we are such a perfect couple, we have such a daughter! Yes, and I love him, probably once I endure.

Women’s programs that destroy destinies

husband and wife arguing - photohusband and wife arguing - photo

A fate that many have lived or are living. Why are women’s stories so similar? Because each of us makes decisions that subsequently determine our present. The only question is: what makes us make certain decisions? The answer is obvious – our subconscious. Or rather programs living there.

1. Desire to get married. The first program is present in almost everyone, as it is laid down by the instinct of reproduction and strengthened by our society – to get married. Moreover, I want to draw your attention – the more girlfriends got married, the more this program is activated. When it is turned on, we are able to forgive actions that signal the destructive psyche of a partner. This is what makes us choose “the wrong one” as partners.

2. Pride. This “basic” program is superimposed with installation programs “If I get married, it means forever!”. I consider such an attitude a clear manifestation of pride. However, I also attribute “What people will say!” to pride. The basic one makes us choose “the wrong one” in ourselves as a husband, and the attitudes make us endure it. “I am so smart, beautiful, correct, from a family in which there have never been divorces, I have already endured so much and will leave! Not! What will people say! And your friends will be happy!”

3. Financial side. The third factor that makes you live in this hell is financial dependence.

4. Low self-esteem and fears. During “patience”, “total self-doubt” is formed. Why? There is a saying: if a person is often called a pig, then he will definitely grunt. The more we are in a destructive relationship, the more our self-esteem drops and self-doubt grows, and with it fears appear. Fear of loneliness, fear of lack of money or poverty, fear that loved ones will condemn, fear of age. A vicious circle is formed.

The programs and attitudes that live in the subconscious make us make a decision to stay in destructive relationships, and being in them forms fears that make us stay there even more, because self-esteem is killed. But it is not easy to understand and accept all this. Therefore, we use logic solely to justify this decision. And each of us tries to cover up this decision at the beginning with love, gradually adding the phrases: “for the sake of children”, “everyone lives like that!”, “But there is money!”, “many people don’t tolerate this”, “beats, it means he loves”, “who will pay for tuition”, “I can’t be alone”, “at my age – no one needs me”, “nowhere to go”… I’m sure that everyone can add something to this list.

What do we cover up with love?

Relationship breakdown - photoRelationship breakdown - photo

We use the word love as a cover for our choice, which is actually based on completely different reasons. Our defense mechanisms of the psyche and the attitudes that we receive from early childhood make us behave in this way. “I suffer humiliation because of pride” is not easy to say, so “I save my family. I love him”. To endure psychological pressure because of the fear of loneliness is not about me, I’m not like that, therefore I endure for the sake of children and because I love him. To endure humiliation due to financial dependence is not right at all, it is cynical, it means to admit that I am a materialistic bitch, or that I am nothing, and this is far from easy. Therefore, I declare to the whole world: “What are you! I love him!”.

How to get out of the vicious circle: advice from Anna Boginskaya

First, every woman must understand that it is important not to get married, but to be in a constructive, creative relationship where respect, trust and attraction reign. And this is what you need to teach your daughters! And not with words, but with an example! You need to dream about becoming a person, and not about how to settle down with a man, put on a ring and endure.

Secondly, each “victim” of destructive relationships has to do a lot of work with their attitudes and self-esteem. Uprooting these weeds from your own subconscious is often painful, but as a result you understand one very important truth. A truly happy woman becomes a self-sufficient person, able to slam the door and leave, because she is self-confident and financially independent. And it is precisely these that men value and are very afraid of losing. It is to such that they show respect, cherish trust and experience constant attraction.

Author: Anna Boginskaya – psychologist, writer-analyst, author of the bestseller “Live Life”


Anna Boginskaya. What is love?

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