How to break off relations with a man if you understand that he is a goat? How to get out of the vicious circle of relationships that bring only suffering?
“We met for 2 months, everything was fine, but one morning he left me, does not call or write, does not answer my messages. Tell me, is there a chance to return our relationship?”, “My man does not work, does not help around the house, drinks with friends, yesterday he came drunk and raised his hand against me for the first time, tell me how to improve our relationship?”, “We are married 10 years, and all these 10 years my husband has been drinking, rowdy, humiliating me. There is no strength to endure these humiliations. What should I do? But just don’t tell me to leave him, we have children, and indeed, when he is sober, he is a caring, good father and loves me”, “My beloved person is not at all capable of sympathy, he did not support me, even when I grief happened in the family, my father died, but we have been dating for a long time, we have common views on life, we have plans for the future, and what should I do? gifts, doesn’t make surprises, we don’t go anywhere together, I hint at it to him, and I say straight out that I don’t have enough romance on his part, I don’t have enough of his interest, but he says that the candy-bouquet period has passed and there’s nothing spend money on stupid things. He also occasionally flirts with other girls. Tell me, what are the chances of our relationship?
These and many similar questions can be found in almost every psychological forum. Just as often any psychologist hears them in his office. The details may differ – a man may drink or play or cheat or simply ignore, not pay attention, not call back, not give gifts, not invest anything in the relationship. And the form of relationship with these men can be different: husband, friend, partner, lover, new acquaintance. But what unites them all is that the man in these relationships is an unconditional Goat. Not that cute, four-legged, white with horns. And a real, two-legged one who does not want to take responsibility, deceives, cheats, sits on a woman’s neck, even beats her from time to time. But all women as one repeat: “I love, I can’t quit, I want to improve relations.” Why?
Are all these women fools, masochists, pathetic losers or scary old monsters for whom this worthless man is the last chance? No, they are not stupid, ugly or masochistic. They are just neurotic. And for a neurotic, pain is an indicator of great love.
Who are neurotic women?
A neurotic woman is a girl who either grew up without a dad at all, or her dad was emotionally cold and distant. The mother was also cold, distant and despotic. Or hysterical, driving the girl to madness with her constant nit-picking. Or rejecting. From a young age, such a girl tried to please her parents. She looked into their eyes, she adjusted, she depended on parental interest and desire to communicate. But more often their absence. She studied well, helped with the housework, participated in olympiads, went to circles, did not stick her head out, tried not to strain her parents once again, and bit by bit collected that rare, but necessary warmth. Gradually, the reaction became fixed – in order to be loved, one must try. So that they don’t shout, you also have to try, if they beat you and shouted, then it’s your own fault, you have to try better. These girls grow up and go out into life with such a strong bond “love = pain”.
As a drug addict depends on the dose, so the neurotic depends only on the portion of pain. Who can he choose as a partner?
Such girls simply do not fall for good guys. With good guys, there is no pain, which means there is no love. “The door opens in front of me, if it’s late, calls and warns, always answers SMS, gives flowers, takes a bath and asks about business? Is this a man, he is somehow sugary and unmanly. But if he disappeared for a month, didn’t congratulate him on his birthday, didn’t support him in trouble, then he is the hero of our great neurotic love.
Disappeared after the first date, did not call after sex, did not come to the meeting, hit, left in trouble, deceived, let him down, does not answer calls and letters – in normal, not neurotic, relationships, one of the above is enough for their end. Normal relationships are built on the principle “I don’t need someone who doesn’t need me.” But in a neurotic relationship, the feeling of being useless, caused by the actions of a partner, becomes the dose at which the neurotic “sticks”.
But can you jump? Can. If you accustom yourself to stop for a minute and think before jumping into the abyss. If you feel like you’re falling for another asshole who didn’t call back, didn’t answer, forgot, disappeared, deceived, didn’t congratulate, then you need to deal not with him, but with yourself. It makes no sense to ask him questions “why didn’t you call?” or pester others with predictions “do you think he lost his phone, maybe he was sent on a secret business trip or is he sick?”.
The answer is simple: “He doesn’t call because he doesn’t need you.” How often do you lose your phone, lie near death, or go to Zanzibar on a secret mission? Never been, never got sick, never lost? And how many times have you forgotten to congratulate your loved ones on your birthday, got drunk in the trash and arranged fights with others? Wasn’t there either? So why do we think that men live any other life?
Normal men live in the same place and in the same way as normal women. Male goats live differently. But this strange, inexplicable craving for goats is just that unsatisfied desire of a little girl to get at least a little warmth and love from mom and dad.
You can’t change mom and dad. A goat cannot be changed. But you can change yourself. Psychologists are here to help. Only a grown-up girl can beat the little girl inside. Love that girl on the inside, not the goat on the outside. The girl has had enough already.
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