At the mention of ghosts, did you think of poltergeists, séances, ghosts, mysterious phenomena? And here it is not. We, quite living people, have become ghosts in modern life. And if ghosts and spirits appear, then we have learned to disappear. From contact, from communication, from agreements, from relationships.
Today you met, drank coffee, had a nice chat, discussed plans for the next meetings. And tomorrow he disappeared. It just didn’t show up on one scheduled date or the other. You see him online in social networks and in viber, but he does not contact you in any way, but write yourself: “Hello, where did you go?” – no hand raised. He didn’t seem to show up in your life enough to ask questions.
A pleasant meeting, pleasant communication, which could have become something more, but suddenly broke off
You met, talked, even lived together, everything was fine, not perfect, but you ate together, slept together, went to visit and to the cinema, discussed a plan for a joint vacation. In the morning they said goodbye as always, went to work, and in the evening, when he came home, he found an apartment without her things and the keys on the table.
You were friends. Not long and not sucky. But in general, it’s nice. Called up, met, went to the theater, to a concert, for coffee. And suddenly the girlfriend does not call. Either he doesn’t answer your calls at all and doesn’t call back, or he answers something cold and monosyllabic, trying to end the conversation faster. And he doesn’t call again.
You made an appointment with a client, employer, customer. By phone, the second party assured you of their interest, confirmed the time and place. And at the appointed time there is no person, the phone is silent or completely out of the zone.
I think everyone has a million such stories. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship united you with the “ghost” person and how long they lasted. The main thing is that suddenly this person disappeared
He did not become a victim of a terrible accident, did not move to the ends of the world, was not abducted by aliens. He just disappeared. Even forgetting to let you know that he is out of contact.
In fact, this phenomenon of sudden disappearance has been known for a long time. True, earlier it concerned mainly male-female relations. Our mothers and grandmothers can tell that in their youth, men also disappeared. Sometimes silently, sometimes inventing some kind of long business trips, Arctic expeditions or a terminally ill friend who fell ill in the Chukotka region, where there is no one to look after him. All this was invented with one goal – to end the relationship that was boring for some reason. Finish beautifully, so as not to be a scoundrel.
Now this phenomenon has moved and spread to other areas of life.
Loved ones, friends, clients and your manicurist disappear. We have become less likely to communicate face to face, but we spend a lot of time online
Contacts have become simpler, faster, more convenient, and on the other hand, somehow lighter. We do not consider it necessary to cancel a meeting with someone we have never seen. Just think, some kind of “Respectfully, Vasily P.” or a voice from the handset. On the other hand, the Internet creates the illusion of mass availability of people, services, and offers. Lost a good locksmith Vasya – you will always find some kind of locksmith Petya. Did not meet with candidate N., so you still have 20 resumes for one vacancy. I didn’t call an interesting woman, because there are millions of women on the Web. There would be time to exchange at least a couple of hundred thousand “Hi, how are you?”. So, you see, there will be enough communication to the cemetery.
Accessibility and diversity breed depreciation
A utilitarian approach to everything is developed. And we have extended this utility to relationships. And besides, we still don’t have a culture of parting. We don’t even have a culture of meetings. Whether we want to find a mate for one night, a vacation, or a lifetime, we still use the same dating pattern. Often confusing the one with whom we get acquainted, so that we have to part abruptly and suddenly, so as not to explain how confused.
But back to ghosts. I know they don’t just disappear. And not all of them are cynical scoundrels and scoundrels. Someone simply cannot stand the pain, for someone to remain good at least in their own eyes is more important than to announce: “I’m leaving” – and immediately take full responsibility for the break and become “bad”. Someone is just so tired of hopelessness in a relationship that he finds strength only for silent leaving. Every breakup has its own reasons.
But the victims of “ghosts” are much harder. Finding themselves in a situation of suddenly abandoned, they are left alone with their feelings – misunderstanding, confusion, bitterness, resentment. Hope that maybe not everything is as they thought. When the gap is marked, both have the opportunity to express their feelings. They may swear, cry, argue, but even a negative dialogue is a dialogue. Speaking feelings, we live and accept them. With the “ghost” this is not possible. He dissapeared. For his partner, the thread is broken forever. The inability to speak out causes the effect of anchoring.
A person is simply stuck on the situation. “Yesterday everything was fine, we chatted, laughed, but today he left, how so?”, “We discussed plans for the New Year together, and now he’s gone, what should I do?” – this really does not fit in the head, especially if the separation was not preceded by any quarrels and conflicts
The victim of the “ghost” begins to desperately look for the “ghost” precisely in order to explain himself. Does not find. And gets into the clinch even harder. And the exit from it is more difficult and longer than from any indicated farewell.
People-“ghosts” are familiar to psychologists. But not at all from the point of view of the correction “I want to learn how to end a relationship.” New clients sign up with us and do not come to the meeting. Old ones can disappear in the process of work. I think that’s why most psychologists talk with clients about the need for a final, final meeting. Some charge upfront for this final meeting. You might think that in this way we, psychologists, protect ourselves from that very anchoring. And this is partly true. And on the other hand, I think that this very agreed, even paid and completed last meeting is the very first step in mastering the culture of saying goodbye.
Yes, leaving in English, we seem to leave three dots at the end of the sentence. Beyond which anything can happen. For example, the same mysterious return. In fact, it is an anchor, an iron, sharp anchor that pierces the body of an abandoned person and tears him to pieces. The longer the relationship was, the deeper and bloodier the gaps. Maybe it’s better to say goodbye?