Yesterday, in the midst of a quarrel, your other half said a lot of hurtful words to you. In response, you mournfully calmed down, fell silent and began to wait patiently. “Well, nothing,” you thought, “I’ll arrange for you! For a long time you will ask for forgiveness!
Resentment is one of the types of aggression
Let’s recall the main list of penalties for the offending party:
- do not talk or even look in his direction;
- you can talk, but abruptly, in monosyllables, even sometimes be rude;
- to deprive the possibility of physical intimacy;
- demonstrate their independence and independence, including financial (if possible);
- stop eating (killer thing!);
- defiantly drink heart preparations (what have you brought me to!);
- go to a friend, to mom;
- not to go anywhere – to walk silently, with a pained expression on his face, “imperceptibly” quietly sobbing from time to time, etc.
Resentment you are trying to cause guilt and aggression
It seems to you that you are demonstrating your resentment so that the offender realizes in full HOW he is wrong. But in fact, you are literally punishing him. How? Guilt!
And here the most interesting thing happens! People get rid of guilt in different ways. We are of course looking forward to he, full of repentance and tender love, begged our forgiveness. And many men do just that. He apologized as best he could and got used to it – and the conflict was settled. As in childhood: I asked my mother for forgiveness, and – we love again, happy and carefree.
But sometimes the male reaction is simply discouraging. In response to your “silence”, the man also falls silent, and you no longer understand who is punishing whom. As in the old song: “I told him:“ all the best, ”but he didn’t ask for forgiveness!”
And even more often a man reacts with aggression towards you. After all, you are the culprit of his terrible psychological discomfort. The conflict is growing, there are more and more offensive words and actions on both sides, and none of you already know how to get out of the horror in which you yourself have immersed yourself. Familiar?
Resentment is deceived expectations
Based on the research of a number of psychologists, three main elements can be distinguished in the process of the emergence of feelings of resentment:
- Our expectations regarding the behavior of a communication partner in a given situation.
- His real actions.
- Comparison of the expected behavior of the partner with the real one and the detection of inconsistency, which is experienced by us as an insult.
Based on this scheme, answer yourself the question: which of the elements can you really influence? I will note right away that the third element occurs at an unconscious level. It will be impossible to influence him. Second… Have you often managed to change someone’s behavior if the person doesn’t want to? Yes, here too the answer is no. What remains? That’s right – our expectations.
In fact, you will not be offended by the rain because it is wet, and you are soaked to the skin; resent the frog for not being able to fly; offended by the mother-in-law for not being a mother … Or will you? To your husband, because once again, instead of the tulips that you love so much, he will give you roses … Or will you?
“With a good woman, a man can become a man!”
I remind you that we will work with our expectations. You will have to look at your partner with a realistic eye. Try to see him not the way you want to see him, the way you bring him up, but the real one. After all, no one knows him better than you (not even his own mother).
Now remember a specific recent situation in which you were offended by your partner. Describe it on paper in a few sentences and after that, be sure to in writinganswer the following questions:
- How did he have to behave so that I would not be offended by him?
- Where did my expectations come from (dreams, books, movies, etc.)?
- Can this person fulfill all my expectations?
- Try to explain the true reasons for this behavior.
- How realistic are my expectations for this person? (Be honest with yourself, try to give the number as a percentage.)
- Does this person know my expectations? Did I tell him about them?
- Do I accept this person for who they are?
If you do this exercise five or seven times, I assure you, the effect will pleasantly surprise you.
We understand that everyone is offended. But for some reason it’s not all the same. It’s no secret that there are a sufficient number of people who are considered in the circle of their acquaintances to be completely “not touchy.” For others, resentment has become the main style of relationships with the world, a manifestation of a certain power over others. And such people do not want to get rid of their heavy and at the same time pleasant baggage.
But if you still decide to change – act! Learn to accept your loved ones for who they are. Love them regardless of whether they meet or fail to meet your expectations. And one morning, on your pillow, you will find a bouquet of delicate tulips…
Author: Helen Bereshchuk, psychologist, teacher, candidate of historical sciences, rhetoric trainer.
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