Many psychologists like to write various smart texts on how to distinguish healthy love from neurotic, how to recognize a manipulator, how to determine that your romance is hopeless.
Yes, there are many psychologists, I myself sometimes like to philosophize and speculate about how to live life in such a way so as not to get hurt about it.
These texts are different, and interesting, light, with a touch of irony, as well as boring, insipid, unnecessarily overloaded with complex verbal constructions. But one thing unites them – they are all written from the office.
From the chair of a psychologist, in which we are not in a situation, we observe the situation from above. And the “above” position gives a perfect view. It’s easy for me to say that someone’s relationship is hopeless, because I don’t live in them, I don’t invest my time, feelings, hopes, expectations in them.
Yes, that dreaded word “expectation”. We psychologists teach us not to expect anything from other people. And it is right.
But in fact, there are expectations. It is generally impossible to live without them, unless you are a Tibetan monk.
Both in acquaintance and in relationships, each of us enters with expectations, at least that everything will be pleasant. And if unpleasant, then at least not for long and not very painful. Only lovers of BDSM expect long and severe pain from a connection. And more suffering.
I believe that my readers are smart women. This means that they know how to filter “assholes” even at the stage of the first letters or the first meeting.
Therefore, everyone who showed clear signs of inadequacy is rejected even before the start of any relationship. Relations are tied with those who immediately seemed normal. understandable. Adequate. So, what is next?
A man begins to “freaky” – to do something that we do not understand or do not like. But there are many things we don’t like. How to figure it out – where are the difficulties of grinding, and where are the deeply hidden signs of the inadequacy of a man, and hence the hopelessness of the relationship?
Read hacks? Wonderful. Reading.
“He says he really wants to meet, but is also very busy, so he constantly puts off the meeting.” Alarm beacon? Undoubtedly.
But how to understand how long a meeting may not happen due to objective circumstances, especially if you live on different continents, or that it will never happen?
You can look at your friends or collect information on the Internet. A man came to Masha a month after they met, Katya was waiting for her six months. And the man did not reach Marina at all.
You’ve only been with a man for two months. Communication is pleasant, you have something to talk about, the topic of the meeting is in the air. And you choose to wait. But you don’t just sit and wait, you participate in relationships – which means you get used to it, become attached, fantasize.
Move on. “Ambivalence, you don’t understand how a man treats you.”
And how to understand this when you just started a relationship? A month passed, two, three, five. Do you understand how you feel about him? Are you already in love or just infatuated? Is everything serious between you or will you scatter in another two months?
Of course, if you have been living for ten years, and you still do not understand how he treats you, and indeed who you are in his life, then you are hopeless. Hopelessly naive. But I don’t know novels that would begin with the words “I’m serious about you, we get to know each other in order to get married.”
On the contrary, many families were created from a resort affair or after sex at a corporate party. So if after some period of relationship you don’t understand how a man treats you, it can mean everything or mean nothing.
We need more time to figure it out. But you can’t just stand on the sidelines while a man decides and gives you a signal. You are with him again, even if one part of you is watching what is happening, but the other one still gets used to it, still becomes attached.
Doesn’t give gifts? Doesn’t introduce you to your parents or friends? How long has it been since you met? Maybe there were no holidays yet? And without a reason to give something, not everyone is accustomed to.
In general, any life hacks can be useful alarm beacons. By the signals of which you will leave the dangerous path.
The trouble is that you can’t sit on the shore and wait for them to light up during the relationship or not.
Those women who say: “I don’t invest anything in a man, let him first invest in me – and I’ll see if he is worthy or not, and what his intentions are,” I don’t believe them either. They, like princesses, sit in the tower, dangling their scythe.
Only trouble is that no one wants to besiege the tower. Unless you really need to be a princess of blood, the owner of a solid fortune and still a beauty, so that they want to achieve you for a long, painful and almost unrequited.
And since you’re not sitting on the beach, you’re living in a relationship. You believe, you hope, you give chances to correct mistakes.
And even when you yourself have already understood everything: these relationships are hopeless, they lead nowhere, you continue to cling to “what if”, “maybe it’s still possible”. Not because you’re a masochist or you’re an idiot. But because the recognition of the fact “this relationship is hopeless” entails the need to start a new relationship.
Only for everyone who is not sixteen, this novelty does not cause a joyful thrill of “wow”. Because you already know very well that a new relationship can again be hopeless. And you will get hurt again. Because tearing a person away from you is as difficult as letting him into life.
And therefore … Just live. There are no universal recipes or patterns in life. If your relationship is hopeless, it’s not because you’re stupid and don’t know how to choose men.
But because many men from the Internet actually need a psychologist, not a relationship. And the rules on how to live life and not hit it and not make a mistake have not yet been invented, alas.
And if it hurts a lot, come – together we will live through this pain and find your unique recipe for creating a reliable relationship.