I love, but I don’t want, I want, but I don’t love… How many such complaints do sexologists hear!
On the one hand, it is clear that you can love with all your heart – your homeland, mother, strawberry ice cream, a cat – and there should not be any physiological manifestations here. On the other hand, bodily contact between a man and a woman is called “lovemaking” for a reason. In most healthy adults, emotional liking and physical attraction are closely related. Why do some love is divided into two components? What prevents you from harmoniously enjoying both of them “in one bottle”?
Case one, platonic. “I love you but don’t want to”
There are several general reasons why, more often than not, a feeling of the heart does not bring bodily desire.
● At the dating stage: childhood traumas or youth love dramas can affect. An impressionable child experienced an accidentally spied sexual intercourse as something indecent and bad. Or the first sexual experience was unpleasant, painful. Since then, the experience itself has been forgotten, and nature speaks its own … Only somewhere deep inside there is an attitude towards sex as something “low” and unworthy. Therefore, a high feeling, as it were, should not be related to the sphere of desires of a “dirty organism”. So when the heart gives serious signals, the brain immediately blocks the erotic impulses of the body.
● At the stage of closer acquaintance: even without a negative attitude towards the sphere of Eros, another “red light” may turn on – fear. Too reverent attitude towards a loved one can interfere with perceiving him as a sexual object: is it possible to treat such a gentle creature with gross encroachments? If the passion were weaker, there would be enough immodesty for a frank proposal. And so – such feelings that the gift of speech is taken away, not like more earthly abilities …
● At the “long time together” stage: most likely, “incomprehensible” cooling towards a partner or partner against the background of sincere affection speaks of problems that are diligently drowned out. The installation given to oneself: “to love in an unearthly way to the grave” can turn out to be very strong. And all misunderstandings, disappointments are forced out of consciousness. However, the body is more sensitive than consciousness, it loudly says: “You constantly reproach me, and let you, by definition, be the most beautiful of all – but I don’t want you.” And the owner of the body hears only the last two words – and really does not understand what is happening to him. Usually he blames himself, suspects illness or “abnormality” … And still does not want to think about where exactly the relationship with a loved one needs to be “repaired” outside the bed.
Case two, carnal. “I want, but I don’t like”
The fact that sex can happen not only without marriage, but also without an exceptional emotional attraction – has already become the norm. And yet, for many, this is a very serious question: how is it possible to kiss without love … and everything else, all the more?!
● There is such a thing as successful sexual compatibility. Accordingly, the opposite also happens. Since intimacy is really strongly connected with what happens “in the head”, loving couples usually learn to adapt to each other – and the brightness of the sensation doubles, multiplied by the joy of communicating with the chosen being. Still, compatibility in itself does not mean automatically arising common interests or views. Still, physiology is older than intellect. So there is nothing surprising in the fact that there are people whose bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle – and they really have nothing to talk about.
● However, grinding to each other occurs gradually. It is possible that the sexual one just goes one step ahead of the spiritual one – and the couple has not yet had time to form a sense of integrity. And if the partners do not harass each other with alterations for themselves, over time they can turn out to be quite successful “one Satan”.
● And one more sensible explanation of the “inexplicable” behavior of a person who himself cannot explain to himself what brought him into the sweet embrace of a partner who is not close in spirit: you can simply starve for sex. Sexual attraction, the way the world works, is felt more often than heavenly unity with the “soul mate” …
The saddest thing in such a situation happens when the setting “sleep = love” is so strong that, waking up under the same blanket with an unfamiliar individual, you try your best to convince yourself that you are sincerely and forever in love with him. (Otherwise what kind of depravity is it otherwise.) From such self-deception, nothing but inconvenience and misunderstanding are obtained.
The third case, running. “I love one, I want another”
In such a case, most likely, the causes of the first and second cases are combined. And there is still an attempt at self-hypnosis: I need to be like that, only like that … And why am I different?
● In a relationship that is firmly considered Great Love, there are “carefully plastered over cracks.” Perhaps somewhere there was a domestic discord, which did not end with anything. Perhaps the partner had problems in sex that they could not finally resolve – and, as it were, “slipped through”. Everything seems to be harmonious and perfect again. And behind this “as if” – unfulfilled aspirations …
● And additional effects are superimposed on this contradictory state: a feeling of novelty and freshness, the sweetness of the “forbidden fruit”… When you were forced to do one thing at a tender age and limited in another, did you strive for what was impossible? Now you are your own strict educator, whom they seek to bypass …
So what remains is to leave the tactics of self-hypnosis and self-accusations – and honestly try to understand: what do you want more? Establish relationships – including intimate ones – with those who are nearby? Or admit to yourself that to whom “only a traitorous body is drawn” is, in fact, drawn on all fronts?
However, individual craftsmen are able to finally divide their passions and needs into two parts – and alternate communication “only for the body” and “only for the soul.” But who remains completely happy and satisfied from such half-heartedness – that is the question! ..
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