Some say: a child cannot be spoiled by love. And others – that this can be done from the son of a whiner, a klutz. Some fathers prefer harsh methods of upbringing, they say, a man should be a man. But often, instead of spending time with their son, they pay him off with another gadget. How to come to the truth?
We all dream that our children become kind and sympathetic, confident and hardworking, courageous and honest. But sometimes with bitterness we are convinced that they grow up spoiled, cowardly, dependent. This is also our fault. Let’s try to figure out what mistakes we, parents, make and how they can be corrected. Help us with this family psychologist Anna Yaroshenko.
1. Not paying enough attention
Many will object: where do you get the time and energy for this attention? But without parental support, children cannot grow up the way we want.
How to fix? There is an interesting “rule of three minutes” in psychology. It consists in the fact that when meeting with a child (for example, when you pick him up from a kindergarten or from school), be sure to give him only 3 minutes, but do it efficiently, be 100% involved in the situation. When meeting, you need to go down to the level of the child’s eyes, hug him and ask what happened to him until you saw each other. Of course, this rule does not mean that all communication with your son or daughter will be limited to this, but following it will help you compensate for the lack of attention. It is also very important to find some kind of joint business that both of you will enjoy.
2. Behaving inconsistently
Today we ban one thing, tomorrow another. Or it happens like this: mom forbids everything, and the “good” dad allows everything.
How to fix? Agree among yourselves on a single “party line”, set clear boundaries for what is permitted. Knowing what is and is not allowed helps children understand the “rules of the game” and develop self-control. Complete permissiveness deprives children of a sense of security and stability. In their demands, parents should act as a united front (grandmothers do not count, they have other tasks). However, moms and dads should treat themselves just as demanding. If the child is not allowed to sit at the table with a gadget, then let dad put his mobile phone aside during dinner, and let mom look up from the TV.
Overprotection is a serious parental sin. After all, the goal of moms and dads is to put the child “on the wing” and let him fly free, and not support him until retirement.
How to fix? Develop independence. The more a child knows, the more confident he becomes. What he already can do, let him do it himself, and on a regular basis. If something doesn’t work out for him, it’s better to redo it imperceptibly after him. The main thing is to let him try and learn sooner or later. Being a “lazy mom” is both pleasant and useful. But to accustom to work it is necessary gradually. It is better to start with things that the child likes. And what you don’t really like, you can do in a playful way. For example, make a bed for a while, competing with each other on a stopwatch (it’s not bad for a child to lose a couple of times).
4. We order, but do not explain
What seems obvious to an adult may be incomprehensible to a child who has no life experience.
How to fix? Speak in detail what is important to convey to the child. And in the end, make sure that he understood everything. Children should not only know what is forbidden to them, but also understand why. And stop the childish “why?” to answer with the word “because”, it’s just impolite, finally.
5. We do not respect
But exactly how his parents communicate with the child is a model for building his relationships with others in the future. If you don’t want to raise a loser who will be pushed around by everyone, urgently reshape your communication style.
How to fix? Communicate with the child politely and avoid even “kind” ridicule and excessive criticism of him. Especially with strangers. Don’t exaggerate! Don’t ignore! Be sure to ask for the opinion of the baby on the most important issues for him and for the whole family. And listen to him.
6. Compare with others
The child must be confident in the unconditional love of his parents – this gives him self-confidence. But if the “son of your mother’s friend” is always and in every way better than your own offspring, then, apart from anger, resentment and jealousy, this will not lead to anything good.
How to fix? Praise the child both in the eyes and behind the eyes. But not just like that, but for the cause. And not on duty words like “well done”, “clever” – the child will miss them, but deployed: they say, how great you performed at the concert or how wonderfully you cleaned the room, what an essay you wrote! Forbid yourself to speak badly about the child, even in his absence. Try to find and develop his strengths. Accept and love children for who they are – with all their characteristics, without trying to mold them into what they are not.
7. We pamper often
In fact, we often pay off with gifts, turning a blind eye to the bad behavior of children.
How to fix? Pampering is necessary. Do not spare caresses and tenderness for the child, hug-kiss, babies are more often carried in their arms. Even adults need hugs to be happy, and for children this need is one of the main ones. You can’t spoil anyone with love, but don’t substitute concepts, taking for love the indulgence of children’s whims, low demands, permissiveness and an uncritical attitude towards bad deeds.