He left but returned. And what to do with it now?

Sometimes it seems that male infidelity is some kind of eternal punishing sword that hangs over us. Someone, raising his head, sends him passionate curses. Someone, closing his eyes, shouts that let it be anything, but does not want to see him. Someone timidly tries to justify. It would seem that over the centuries of heated discussions, it would be possible to jointly compose several reliable variants of the reaction. However, when a situation turns from an abstract “scarecrow” into a real circumstance that needs to be dealt with further, we most often dive into the abyss of panic. And we can’t answer the question ourselves: what will happen to us next? And then there are options.

Cheating, PhotoCheating, Photo

Let’s consider from these options exclusively reasonable. We will not try destructive for the psyche. Like “I rashly sent him away, and now I’m suffering, thinking that the episode was non-fatal, and because of him I lost my loved one.” Or “she clenched her teeth, endured everything, but I can’t forget the betrayal and every day I suffer that I continue to live with such a monster.”
More sensible versions of the future, rather, look like this: betrayal makes you understand one of two things. Or the fact that your marriage was based on your word of honor, and now – on nothing else. Or the fact that you still value relationships more than anything else and now you have to restore them. One way or another, as before, there will be no more, some changes are inevitable.
You will not be able to change something for the better until you understand why he did it. Change is just a symptom. You need to find the true problem in the relationship in order to rebuild it.
The answer “they are all like that” is nice and easy, but does not help anything. Then what is left? Change this “such” to another “same”? Or silently swallow any grievances? It is better to find more precise answers.
They run out of relationships forever when they cease to suit. And they “run out for a breath of air” when everything seems to be fine, but something is missing. We can say that “temporary betrayal” is such an inadequate form of expressing the need for change. Perhaps the partner felt that there was not enough warmth. Or sharpness. Maybe he felt the need for self-affirmation. Or in a sense of at least temporary freedom.
It largely depends on whether he can, after what happened, get what is missing so that he no longer looks around – and your forgiveness to stay with you.

Husband cheated, PhotoHusband cheated, Photo

● Give yourself time to cool down a little, and then start explaining and clarifying.
● Don’t ask for details. You don’t need more information than is necessary to understand the situation. You don’t enjoy suffering, do you?
● Do not increase control. He will not help restore what was, and return love. But saying “do whatever you want, just so that I don’t know” is not the best way out. This statement indicates an unconscious readiness for psychological dependence. He should know what exactly he will make you experience with his experiments or breakdowns. In order not to indulge in the illusion that “this is nothing, and it does not hurt her.”

Cheating husband, PhotoCheating husband, Photo

To be responsible for your actions, you need to clearly understand their source. If you yearn to get away from the traitor – “so what”? To take revenge or because you understand that trust in a relationship that has cracked is no longer possible for you? If you are striving with all your might to save your family – “so what”? To show that you are not “abandoned”, but strong? Or because you remember all the good things that you had – and it outweighs temporary resentment?
If you both decide that “needs to be fixed”, both of you will inevitably have to change. The main thing here is that his repentance and your forgiveness should be sincere, and not formal. Otherwise, it will be so, as one strong lady bitterly admitted: “I did everything possible and impossible to return him. Because I’m used to having things my way. But I can no longer trust him, I don’t want to see him. So when I achieved what I needed, it turned out that I needed it the least “…

Forgiveness, PhotoForgiveness, Photo

Will she be able to forgive him? – The people around you are worried. And they do not think that the woman to whom the traitor has returned needs forgiveness herself. From myself.
Often, having received a loved one “again”, wives go to one of the extremes: they either climb out of their skin, making new hairstyles and mastering intricate sexual poses, or withdraw into themselves with a gloomy look. The reason is clear: the feeling that someone else was preferred to you.
In order to maintain mental health, one should not dwell on this offensive thought. Yes, probably, there were mistakes in some episodes of family relations. Yes, something can be fixed. But it’s not worth biting yourself to the bone. In the end, if he himself assures that, in spite of everything, the old feelings are alive, it means that what he once found in you is dear to him.

There is some truth in the common phrase about being a good leftist and strengthening a marriage. After all, the decision to restore family peace is, in fact, the recognition of what? That you were so close that when you were apart, you wanted to get closer again.
This “descent again”, no matter how difficult it may seem, has its positive aspects. You have to get to know each other anew. Take steps towards each other. That is, there is an opportunity to turn this process into a second romantic period! This is the benefit of renewing relations after a crisis.
You can’t just make the decision to forgive—and then quickly forgive. This is real, and hard, mental work.
It is important from what position you approach the returned beloved. You forgive him because there is nothing else left – he plays a dominant role, and you just have to turn a blind eye to his misdeeds – and call this forgiveness? Or vice versa, do you forgive like a delinquent child who is not fully responsible for his actions? Or, finally, do you forgive as an equal to an equal – realizing that he made a mistake? And you do not hold a grudge against him precisely because he himself believes that he was mistaken, empathizes with you and does not want to cause you any more unpleasant minutes. Only with the latter option can it be a partnership, not a one-sided relationship.

Psychologist advice. Sometimes we desperately do not want to realize our motives and behave from the position of a “understanding” child. One partner can be exhausted, explaining why he no longer wants to stay in this relationship, and the other will stubbornly assure that he will understand and forgive everything. Not because understanding and forgiveness are limitless. And just to leave everything as it was, at any cost – and at least outwardly. Here, the sooner you realize that you are trying to hypnotize yourself, the less painful will be the inevitable exit to a new life, when you can’t return the old one.

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