How to choose a partner – online psychologist’s advice

How to choose the right partner – clients often come to me with this question, young, smart, educated women, who, as it turns out, perfectly see where they want to come in their development, in creative projects, business, repairs, travel. But they do not understand at all what kind of partner they need.

What should it be? What kind of relationship do they want? What to do with a man at all – immediately voice your demands or not demand anything, accepting a man, with all the luggage?

American family consultant Barbara de Angelis, without being modest even once, released the book “The Real Rules: How to find the right man for yourself?” and a couple more on the same topic.

Everywhere tips, secrets, instructions on how to build an ideal relationship. Perfectly correct, of course. Still, the Americans, with their narcissism, do everything only the best and teach this to others.

Barbara’s idea is generally not bad – women are so unhappy in their personal lives, because they have no idea what kind of man they want.

Therefore, she advises all women to make wish lists for men, in which they separately stipulate intelligence, financial situation, physical attractiveness, emotional level, etc. In each category, add criteria by which you can evaluate the overall condition. Give marks, for example, on a five-point scale and determine how close a potential gentleman is to the image of an ideal partner. Let’s turn the search for a couple into accounting – the more accurately you calculate, the happier you will be.

But is everything so simple? Do not rush to grab a calculator.

Why is it bad to look for love by criteria

As a psychologist, I understand that all these classifications, typing, division into categories, groups, classes, signs of the Zodiac, if you like, are nothing more than attempts to streamline life, give it a certain structure, thereby coping with the anxiety that makes her unpredictable.

And how much unpredictability in human relations. Each of us is a whole universe, and when meeting another universe, how do you know what will happen in the end – a friendly visit, a long neighborhood, or a universal catastrophe?

Therefore, it seems to many – if you quickly determine: “So, he is an Aries, hyperthym, the socionic type of Zhukov, the Warrior archetype, is gaining 95% on the de Angelis rating scale,” then you can predict what your relationship with him will be like. It is joyful to merge in love ecstasy and only then discover that a man is a miser, an egoist, and also has a mother who does not want to give her son to “this terrible woman”.

Why criteria are still needed

But there is also another extreme – not to determine the qualities of the intended partner at all and to have the fantasy that you can get along with any man. Or think that you will determine everything in the process of relationships.

But there are men with whom, in principle, you should not start a relationship, because their unfavorable outcome is immediately obvious.

And there is no need to waste time and energy to come to this. For example, the difference in financial situation. Today’s young women are so afraid of being seen as materialistic that they say: “I don’t care how much he earns, because I make good money myself.”

But after all, a relationship with a man who earns little or does not work at all is fraught with the fact that you and he will at least have very different leisure activities. You are used to going to concerts, you can order food delivery or go on a short trip for the weekend. And he has no money. He cannot buy a ticket for himself, he cooks at home for five days at once, and he needs to save money for any trip for at least six months.

You’re in love and in a relationship, but you have to eat the same soup for a week, go to concerts with a friend, and stop traveling. Or pay for your man. Are you ready for this? So maybe immediately introduce the criterion “I am considering men with the same level of income as me or higher”?

Or the man is a fisherman. An innocent at first glance hobby can turn into the fact that he spends all weekends and holidays fishing. Leaves early, arrives late. And in the summer it generally goes to the distant parking lots of fishermen.

You can go with him once, even two or three times. But if you don’t share this hobby, you don’t get great genuine joy from it, then sooner or later conflicts will arise – you want to go to an Impressionist exhibition or to a Hungarian film festival, and he says: “What are you? I’m fishing.”

Or a relationship with a man with a small child from a previous relationship. You do not have children and you have not yet decided whether you want them in principle. You meet a beautiful, smart, interesting man.

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Only he is divorced and has a small child. You fantasize: “Well, what can prevent a child.” And you will soon find out that the three of you go on vacation, the three of you also spend the weekend, or you spend them alone, as the man is busy with his child. And besides this, there is an ex-wife who calls at any time and wants something. There are alimony that take up a significant part of his budget. Yes, and a child can, in principle, dislike you and in every possible way hinder the development of relations.

Are you ready for this plot twist? But you don’t have your own children and you haven’t even discussed the prospect of having common ones with him.

Therefore, basic selection criteria are needed.

Make a list of options for yourself that definitely do not suit you – you will not get along, you will not endure, you are not ready to endure. And do not worry that these requirements will narrow the line of choice.

There are billions of men in the world. But all these billions do not suit you either. Even if you choose exclusively according to the horoscope, then the Sagittarius man from Kyiv will be very different from the Sagittarius man from New Guinea. And then it might be immediately easier to say “I am considering male Sagittarius of the European peninsula”?

Think also about what kind of relationship you want and why. If serious and with the prospect of marriage, then this can be one type of man. If cheerful, light, not burdensome and generally guest, then this is a completely different male type.

Don’t be afraid to be demanding and picky. You are looking for a relationship that you feel better in than one. So choose a partner with whom you actually feel better, and you don’t fit in, adjust and persuade yourself “well, now I have a relationship, so I have to endure it.”