Why divorce? Why with mom? How can you get a divorce from your mother, because she is alone?

Mother and daughter on the walkMother and daughter on the walk

Adult, successful, self-confident women, who themselves have long been wives and mothers, instantly lose both adulthood and confidence from just one call from their mother.

Someone begins to babble and make excuses in embarrassment, someone trembles with anger and then cannot recover for a long time, someone has tears in their eyes. Mom only needs to press one button to throw us into the state of an insecure, guilty or unhappy child.

Someone chooses to bounce all his life from pressing a button, like Pavlov’s dog, and run to his mother’s leg, and do various tricks pleasing to his mother near her. Someone generally spends his life at this leg, sacrificing personal female happiness, and only a few get divorced. To return to my mother later. An adult and independent woman who will build an equal dialogue with her mother. Or it will not, if the mother is not ready to accept a new, adult daughter and a new model of relations.

So, why does a mother, with all her importance in the life of every person, bring so much pain? From birth to somewhere up to two years of life, the mother is the first and most important object of affection for the child.

It also gives a sense of security, and love, and introduces us to the world. Somewhere around the age of two, we learn to walk and begin to move away from our mother in order to explore the world on our own.

This is the first and very painful conflict between mother and child. – on the one hand, the child wants to separate, on the other – he needs maximum closeness. Mom, on the other hand, is very worried: will the child be able to walk alone?
In addition, it is a pity to lose someone who depends on you so completely, who is completely in your power.

Training with a child, PhotoTraining with a child, Photo

The next round of conflict between separation and intimacy flares up in adolescence, when the child grows up so much that he tries to build intersexual relations himself. For women, it is especially difficult to resolve this conflict, because girls identify with their mother. Mom is the person from whom we learn how to dress, make up and how to behave with men.

It’s good if mom has a man, and everything is in order with femininity. And if not? Looking at the blossoming daughter, at her young, elastic body crawling out of any clothes, the mother meets with all her unresolved problems with femininity – and also with old age, with her female withering. And it doesn’t matter how young and attractive the mother is – before the charm and freshness of youth, both the beauty of maturity and the confidence of experience fade.

It takes a lot of courage to accept in your daughter not a rival, not a nurse, not old-age insurance, but a worthy replacement for your female gender. But how many mothers do you know? Basically, we have two types of women:

1) Those who bind their daughter with excessive guardianship and involvement in her life. These are such classic girlfriends who, like lovebirds, live together, do everything together, share everything. And everything would be fine, but what should a man do with this pair? Marrying two women at once – mother and daughter? Some marry, it doesn’t matter to whom – to the mother or to the daughter. But whoever a man chooses, he very quickly begins to feel like a third wheel.

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2) Those who suppress and beat the daughter. The goal is the same – to bind. But this is done by more traumatic and sophisticated methods. The daughter is criticized, ruthlessly, for everything.

I put on this dress – “you are fat, it sits on you ridiculously.” She achieved success in her work – “I didn’t achieve much, I could have done more”, cooked borscht – “I cooked it wrong, you need to add two spoons of sugar and one spoon of vinegar.”
The cavalier started, “well, yes, nothing, only he’s a little short, and not too educated, although it’s not surprising who else you could choose.”

Such mothers also have two types of daughters.

In the first case, an eternal woman-girl, who can be 30, 40, or 50 years old, but she still lives with her mother, calls her 3 times a day. And for a date with a man who accidentally flew into her life, she is forced to lie to her mother that she is going to the theater with a friend.

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In the second case a woman can become very independent, successful, even starting her own family. But with that nagging “no matter what you do, you still won’t be good enough for your mom” wound that forces her to constantly prove throughout her life that she’s worth something. There is an effect of hypercompensation: I will cover my “inferiority” with unprecedented success.

What to do?

First of all, understand that your mother is no longer a very young and, in general, not a very happy woman. She is unlikely to go to psychotherapy, and in general she will go to something. She has the right to live out her life with all her delusions.

But it’s too early for you to live. You can change. You can still be happy. By changing ourselves and our behavior patterns, we force other people to change too. Or leave if he is not ready to accept us in a new role. Of course, it hurts a lot when mom leaves. But sometimes freedom has only such a price.

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According to the laws of the universe, life is transmitted forward through the generations – from parents to children, from children to their children. Your task is to pass the baton. By not solving the problem of the relationship with your mother, you are overdoing the baton; instead of going forward, you constantly look back and try to explain or prove something to your mother. Thus, both of your lives stop.

To return to your mother as a self-sufficient and adult woman, you first need to leave her. Even if, at the end of the day, your mother does not accept either your return or your changes, you will feel lighter.

No pregnancy lasts more than 9 months. No matter how comfortable, safe and cozy in the mother’s belly, after this period the child himself breaks out into this dangerous, huge and diverse world. Once you have already escaped. So, do the second one.

From the author:

For a long time I did not dare to touch this topic, “mothers and daughters”. Adulthood and femininity were given to me at a very high price – the loss of contact with my mother, inheritance and 20 years of life.

My mother, an intelligent and educated woman, was a cold, rejecting, critical mother. She treated me like “I like you as long as you do what I want.”
And she wanted a lot: for me to become her nurse, a bank deposit, and indeed a parent.
She forced me to study where I didn’t want to, ruined my relationship and insisted that I get rid of the child.

Of course, all for my own good. If I obediently did what she thought was good for me, I was her good girl. If not, I immediately became the daughter of my father, “a terrible man, the concentration of all evil in the world.”

Since dad was far away, there was only one mother nearby, then what I didn’t do, how I didn’t jump, what peaks I didn’t take, if only my mother loved me. But I kept jumping, and my mother kept saying “not high enough, not very dexterous, somehow not right.”

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Until one day I realized that I could die in a jump, but my mother would not love me anyway. And stopped. And I thought about what I want.
It turned out that it is very difficult to find your desires for a person who is used to the fact that mom wants for two. Mom’s reaction was a change of tactics, from criticism to accusations: “I gave you my whole life, I didn’t sleep at night, I didn’t get married a second time, I got up at 6 in the morning to cook breakfast for you, and you are an ungrateful creature.”
To the chaos of self-determination “who am I and what do I want?” I added a feeling of guilt that I am a bad daughter, not grateful to my mother.

I will not brag that I got rid of it completely. Sometimes I feel guilty for having chosen my life, I think: maybe I really am a bad daughter, could it have been somehow wrong, not abruptly, in a different way?

And I also love my mom. Even though I haven’t seen her in years. And I am grateful to her. She gave me life. No one will ever make a gift more valuable.