“A real man”, “a real woman”, “a man should”, “a woman should” – despite the globalization of the world, the rapid progress and development of technology, people still live in idealistic fantasies about each other’s roles in society and relationships. They also endlessly argue with each other about their functions. And they reinforce these disputes with idealistic ideas about how it was before.
Say, 100 years ago there was a patriarchy, in which women from the middle and upper classes did not work, but took care of the house and children. And there are still countries in the world where the bride is paid for with camels or money, and a man who is not able to pay remains a bachelor or moves to another country where marriages are concluded in a less expensive way.
Confusions and disputes give rise to polarities: a woman either, in the old fashioned way, must create a family and keep a home, only then will she have a man; or – to be a careerist, then there will definitely not be a husband, but there will be many short novels and the absence of the notorious glass of water in old age.
The biggest fear of many women is to be without a man. Therefore, many people choose a family at the expense of a career.
On the one hand, this choice is not bad. Women’s nature is characterized by care and creation. And for men – the achievement of social success and, as a result, high earnings. But on the other hand, the man becomes the sole breadwinner, on whose shoulders lies the entire responsibility for the financial support of the family. And the woman becomes dependent on the man. material and sometimes emotional.
In Western families, there is a principle of “two people – one career.” In practice, it is not much different from our “husband is a breadwinner, wife is a housewife”, except that in Western countries women are more protected by law. This means less risk. In addition, the attitude of the woman herself to the fact that she chooses a house and children is of great importance.
Women with healthy self-esteem perceive such a choice as work, only the work of managing the house and raising children. While the husband runs the company, she runs the family. And a man does not have fantasies that he is a master and a benefactor. With visible financial disequilibrium, in such a family there is a psychological and functional balance.
Ours is much worse. The laws are weak. And the level of self-esteem of the majority is so low that sooner or later in a family where only one of the spouses earns, a struggle for power begins. “I earn, so I order music.” Men pressure women with money to get confirmation of their importance from them. If psychological dependence is added to financial dependence, when the man who “pays” begins to control the woman and decide what to do, with whom to communicate, where to go, what to wear, we get a classic victim. A woman with the “beaten wife” syndrome. And then it is possible to break out of such a marriage only with the help of social services, the police, and crisis centers. But often they are not enough. So the woman is suppressed and enslaved.
So how to get rid of dependence on a man? Ideally, it would be nice not to fall into it
Regardless of whether a woman works or not, she must have a job she loves and some skills that she can apply if she decides to work. And these skills must be perfected. To give self-confidence: “I can do it, and I’m good at it.” Even if she just cooks borscht and brings up children, both borscht and upbringing should be branded. So that borscht allows you to consider work from a cook to the owner of your own food establishment or leading a popular culinary blog, and the ideas of education allow you to write a book or conduct your own courses or trainings. In addition, do not forget that many types of business have long moved to the Internet. And it allows everyone to work comfortably – from mom on maternity leave to a respectable 80-year-old lady.
It is also good to understand that addiction is something that is inside of you, not outside. If you yourself feel indebted to your husband because he gives you money, these are your feelings, and not the husband’s coercion. You cannot understand why you are valuable and significant in the family, for which you receive finances. So, there is a feeling “they give me money for nothing, I’m a freeloader.” This feeling is transmitted to the husband. And soon he really can feel like a benefactor who singles out or unfastens from the master’s shoulder. And he also fines if something is not done according to his master’s command.
Look for your value, yourself or with the help of a psychologist, assign it to yourself. Then other people will feel your value too.
If financial inequality gives rise to control from the husband – run. Before you is a tyrant, and it will only get worse. This seemingly innocent “He pays, so he chooses” ends with him choosing how many times a day you eat and how many showers you take. And it leads to a complete loss of oneself as a person. Tyrants don’t get fixed, healed, or changed. It’s easier to change a man.
Love each other and be interdependent – this is the healthiest form of relationship.