Life mistakes. For some, they are like broken or unnecessary things in a closet, for others – whole skeletons in a closet, for others – a trifle in an old piggy bank. And someone has a gun on the wall that hangs and hangs until one day it fires. What to do with them? Hide, be ashamed, collect? Forget? Or maybe it’s better to “forgive and let go”, because we won’t change the past?
Yes, we won’t change, it’s true, life doesn’t have a “rewind” button. The truth is also that other people’s mistakes will not teach or stop anyone. Like Pavlov’s dog, we learn to bypass the rake, only at the cost of bumps on the forehead. On our own, fine and lofty forehead. But the past can be recognized and rethought. Then it ceases to possess us, and we become free for a new life. And also the realization that people follow the same rake, we are in many ways similar in our mistakes, reduces the significance of each particular catastrophe. So where are we wrong.
1. Relationships with married men are a classic rake for many women.
Of course, at first they don’t look like that, they are more like a beautiful fairy tale “Love of my life”. Everything just ends with a carbon copy – tears and snot in the psychologist’s office or on the shoulders of friends. But the biggest mistake is not just getting into these relationships, but “sticking” into them, imagining that it will always be like this or that you will take him away. I myself did not avoid this mistake, and, apparently, that is why many mistresses come to see me. And, of course, they all come at the stage when the relationship is either already over, or when the man still appears, but is already starting to leave them. All these are different women, of different ages, social status. Yes, and they all have different motives in connection with a married man. The results of this connection are also different – someone gives birth to a child from a lover, someone receives good material bonuses, someone has built a career, someone leaves the relationship with nothing. They all cry the same. And everyone hurts the same. When they realize that the man just disappears. But unlike a divorce or separation in a couple, you have no right to alimony or explanations. It is enough for a man to change his phone number and you will forever fall out of his life. “How could he do that?” all my clients ask a question or “Does everything that happened between us mean nothing, because he said that he loves me?” . He spoke, and even, maybe he did not lie. He just made a choice one day. And that choice is not yours.
2. Making the decision alone to have a baby or not
The two meet, the two have sex, which results in her becoming pregnant. And he does not tell his partner either about the pregnancy or about his decision. Why? The reasons can range from “it was casual sex” to “he’s completely unsuitable for the role of a father” and each of these reasons is backed up by convincing arguments. No matter what happens next, the woman gives birth or has an abortion. The important thing is that revenge is at the heart of this one-man woman’s decision. Revenge on a man. Revenge on all males. And like every revenge, it then boomerangs on the one who started it.
3. Cling to relationships
It doesn’t matter if we are talking about a relationship with a man or with a job. Sometimes we feel that something is not right right away. For example, at first they refuse to work, and then, after a month or two, they still invite you to fill a vacancy. Or there seems to be a job, but everything in it somehow does not suit, there is no development, the team is not very good, the salary is low or paid with delays. Or a man, then appears, then disappears, and something does not add up with him or goes wrong. Or there is a man, he does not disappear, you even live together, but you feel some kind of chill in the relationship, strained, stretched. But you don’t leave either your man or your job, you sit and wait that suddenly, one day, something will change. After all, you have already spent so much energy. As a result, all the same, the relationship breaks up, and the work ends in the most unpleasant way. Only you spend even more time and effort clinging to the unnecessary, unreal, and when this unnecessary and unreal itself throws you away, you find yourself in an emotional and energy hole. And again you spend energy, already on recovery.
4. Don’t take chances
Almost everyone has had moments when life threw up a new, unexpected opportunity. Either a job you didn’t even think about, or a fan who didn’t fit your normal type, or moving to a place you didn’t even know existed. All you had to do was take a chance and try. But you didn’t risk it, it was scary to change something, you weren’t ready, you didn’t wait, or maybe your relatives didn’t support you. The opportunity has disappeared and may never come again, and you still sometimes think “what if?”.
5. Put your hands down and score
No matter what we do, one day there is a moment when everything does not go well. They don’t get promoted, the project stalled, clients don’t come, men don’t show up. And it is all the more offensive to meet this “silence” if a lot of effort has been made. There is a temptation to be offended by the whole world and go into a hole. Close and say “that’s it, I don’t want anything else, I don’t need anything.” “I’ll just finish working until retirement, I’ll be alone, I don’t want to try, it still won’t work.” Often in life, silence comes before the biggest changes, life seems to withstand us and checks for readiness for change. And those who get out of the “dead loop” go to a higher and better turn. Those who lower their hands, fall lower.
6. Live for others
Another common mistake. First, we do what our parents want us to do, then we sacrifice ourselves for the sake of relationships or children. Someone burns out at work, because he thinks that the Earth will stop without him. Someone saves animals or other people, not noticing that his loved ones or he himself needs help. Altruism is one of the varieties of neurosis. Of course, people who live for others will give thousands of arguments why they do it – fur seals are dying, children in Africa are starving, mother is sick, child is growing, husband … Husband does not know how to turn on the burner at all. While you spend your life caring for the needs of others, your own life flies by. As a result, you can find out that the cats died anyway, this is part of the evolutionary process, you were solemnly escorted from work to retirement, the child grew up and left, and the husband went to a woman 25 years younger than you and perfectly cooks her dinners from three courses. And you are already old, tired and useless.
7. Don’t appreciate what you have
Modern life is fast paced, full of opportunities, and highly competitive – the best get the best. This is tempting to underestimate what is already there and their current successes. Always strive forward for more. However, just as quickly, life can take away the good that you already have. And leave nothing but regrets. But you will know about this only after the loss.
It is clear that, like acne on the pope, everyone has their own mistakes, unique, inimitable. And there are no universal recipes for how to live life and never make a mistake. But, nevertheless, I believe that a word read or heard in time gives rise to a doubt “whether I am doing the right thing now”, and doubt itself can lead to the right decision. When you doubt the categorical nature of your rightness, this gives a greater field for choice. Doubt and make mistakes, fill bumps, but go ahead.
Captured by fashion: who do we really dress for?