I remember, when I was young, I was shocked by the story of Jack London “The Courage of a Woman”, in which, in the harsh conditions of hunger and permafrost, a woman sacrificed her life for the survival of a man. Of the meager provisions, which they already divided equally, she ate only half, while the other was hidden in a pouch on her chest. She gave it to her husband at the most critical moment. Then it seemed to me that this is an example of true love itself, when for the sake of another one does not feel sorry for either food, or heart, or liver.
In general, there are many examples of female sacrifice in literature, and, characteristically, almost all of it was written by men. That is, this is how men imagine an ideal relationship: everything is for him alone, and then he can dedicate a song or verse to her. Posthumously.
Almost all women’s consultations about parting, divorce, breaking up relationships end with the words: “I gave him everything, how could he?”
The volume of this “everything” is different for everyone: someone sacrificed their career for the sake of their family, someone agreed to move to another country because their husband was called to work, someone blew dust particles away, someone hid the desire to have another child where away because he didn’t want to. Or even unconditionally accepted the male unwillingness to reproduce. Someone worked two jobs while he was looking for himself, someone abandoned his favorite hobby simply because he didn’t like it, someone turned a blind eye to stinginess, inattention, lack of help, constantly finding arguments why he doesn’t do what he that in close, especially family relationships, it is normal to do.
When you start asking all these women the natural question “Why?” – why did you do what you feel uncomfortable, unpleasant, do not like, almost all of them answer: “I thought that he would do the same for me.” Or: “I thought he would appreciate it,” or: “I thought this was love.” They all gave, hoping to get something in return.
And also from what they thought: in a relationship you need to restrain yourself, smooth it out, be silent, because from the same literature it follows that true love is limitless and unconditional.
He gives you stale socks – and you accept them. He told you stingy “no money for nonsense” – and you endure. He does not help around the house, and you are silent because you love. To strain a loved one is somehow not comme il faut.
And this is not because men are bad, insane, terrible. Men are all different. Even those who leave a relationship may do so simply because the love has passed. This is because a woman does not initially set the boundaries of what is unacceptable for herself. She is afraid that if she sets these same boundaries, the man will leave, and she will also feel guilty: is it possible to do this with the one you love.
And many more women enter relationships unloved and “undertreated”. When parents “did not give enough” from childhood. Growing up, she still remains inside that hungry child who desperately wants to be loved, praised and generally noticed.
Only instead of “feeding” this hungry child in therapy, she enters a relationship and begins to feed on her partner. Giving him a lot in the hope of getting in return. What about partner? He is an ordinary person. It never occurs to him how it will all turn out in the end. Give – take. He offers something in return.
But he is unaware that they give him that very last meal, like Jack London, only, unlike the Indian woman Passuk, his woman will not die. She then asks for everything. Requires. Will gnaw. Especially if he suddenly dares to leave.
Therefore, boundaries in a relationship are necessary. Just because I can’t stand my husband not getting his hair out of the tub drain doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I love. And I also love myself. And I want to bathe in a clean bathroom. And do it in harmony with yourself, and not in stress: “How, again? Go get it.”
And if, after such simple requirements – to wash the dishes, bring water, keep the shirt clean, earn money, not because the woman herself can’t, but because she shouldn’t be alone, be correct – the man says: “Oh no, she’s too much wants” and leaves, then the price is worthless to him, let him go.
Of course, you can run after him and say: “No need, be as you are, I love you.” And this will begin your endless journey of sacrifice in the name of love. But in fact, it has nothing to do with love. But with neurosis – very much so.
Therefore, dear women, keep your heart, your kidneys, your liver. Let’s end this Promethean thing. Because a person who has not learned to love himself does not know how to love in principle. Giving in return is such a way to bind a person to yourself, and he, too, has nothing to do with love.
Start trying to be honest with yourself, then you will be able to do the same with others. Start giving to yourself instead of giving to someone else. Maybe then it will be possible to “finish” the inner hungry child and then it will be possible to share with others, and not sacrifice. And where there is honesty and the ability to share, there is already one step to love.