Relations with a married man is a boring, but consistently relevant topic. Raise your hand, who has never been in a triangular or even a square relationship anywhere? Since you are reading this article, it means, as they say, we know, we swam.

relationship with a married manrelationship with a married man

So how and why are these “figures” formed, and most importantly, what to do with them? Consider the classic triangle: husband, wife, mistress.

classic triangle

If society allows men more, then why shouldn’t men use this bonus?


Despite all the scientific and technological progress, globalization and “visible” equality, men in our country continue to be allowed more.

Think about what epithets a walking husband is awarded in society – “walker”, “womanizer”, “Casanova”, “no, well, he’s generally a decent man, he has a legal wife and an official mistress, and he provides for both of them.”

And often such judgments come from the women themselves. The range of reactions from approval to raising hands: “Well, he’s a man, what can I say?”. If society allows men more, then why shouldn’t men use this bonus?

A woman

How does society meet a woman whose husband is a “walker”, or a “womanizer”, or that same “decent man”?

classic triangleclassic triangle

Here already the range of reactions is far from the “plus” pole. This or condescending sympathy: “Here, imagine Mashka’s husband is cheating!? Poor thing, what will she do if he divorces her? what he found in her.

The woman lived in marriage, put bricks into the family wall, maybe not always smoothly, but she did, and here she is either a “poor thing” or “an undeservedly blessed poor thing.” Did she expel her husband into treason? Or inattentively followed him through the bushes?

No “super beautiful” and “super witch” can lead, lure, intoxicate a man who wants to be faithful in marriage. Never

A lover

The most “favorite” character in society. This is both a “razluchnitsa”, and a “slut”, and “took away, a heartless creature”, and “she would pull out her braids”. But can a woman “take away” a man? Even with the help of “black” and “white” magic spells? No “super beautiful” and “super witch” can lead, lure, intoxicate a man who wants to be faithful in marriage.

Never. Yes, she can carry away his unconscious or dead body, but will the dead body be suitable for a relationship? I doubt. The insensible body will run away to the wife when it wakes up.

husband's mistresshusband's mistress

The positive attitude of society towards male infidelity is one of the main factors in their occurrence.

If we consider another version of the triangle: husband-wife-lover, then the attitude of society will be unequal. The husband will turn into a “poor thing”, but in such a good way. A positive hero who became a victim of his wife’s treachery. wife, respectively. will become both a “slut” and a “treacherous bitch.”

The attitude towards the lover will be neutral, but gravitating towards a positive color. The same will happen in the “square” – women are always to blame for everything, men are forgiven, they are men.

And after that we want men not to cheat? So, the positive attitude of society towards male infidelity is one of the main factors in their occurrence.

Why do cheating still occur?

Thoughts of betrayal in one of the spouses are a sign that there are problems in the relationship.

But what can be done about problems? If we draw an analogy with diseases of the body, then there are diseases that are treated in an operable way, there are – medications.

Why cheating happensWhy cheating happens

And there are different ways to deal with the disease – treat it, ignore it, “jam” it with painkillers or antibiotics, maybe it will go away on its own.

So it is with marriage. There are marriages that need only an “operation” – a divorce. This happens, for example, in early marriages, when people, having married at the age of 18-19, by the age of 29 discover that they are completely different people and they have nothing to do under one roof.

Here, in the “preoperative” phase, a mistress or lover may arise, but rather as a catalyst for an already inevitable process, and not as an attempt to ignore the process itself.

If the “operation” is not needed, the marriage can be reanimated, then the success or failure of this depends only on the will of the spouses. If the will is strong, the couple turns to a specialist – a family psychologist or psychotherapist.

If there is no will, ignoring or “antibiotics” is chosen, then it is not surprising that a third one arises, which will help one of the spouses perform these functions.

Why do we become this very “third” in a pair?

If we talk about women, then our realities are such that a woman who, for some reason, did not form a couple before the age of 27+, faces the fact that all good men are sorted out – married, and in order to find a worthy free man and get married, one must ” clean up the Augean stables” 148 times – go through a bunch of “illiquid” candidates.

relationship with a married manrelationship with a married man

Many get tired or frustrated at the brute-force stage and prefer what they think is the easier way – to join the competition for a married man.

This path can only be successful for those who are in an “operable” marriage. But as a rule, everything is decided within 6-12 months. There is a divorce. and a new pair is formed. If a year has passed, the man is still not divorced and continues to “feed” you breakfast, you are out of luck, you have stumbled upon the mechanism of running away and ignoring.

And staying in this triangle is devastating for anyone who really wants a family and who can’t wait to realize the maternal instinct.

Your “chosen one” does not solve problems in his own marriage, he ran away from them to you, and you want to create a new problem for him, to put him before the choice of “either-or”? Either run yourself, or be sure that your triangle will grow into a quartet of a man and three women.

There are a number of women who do not need to get married. For different reasons. Some have already been there and do not want to repeat it, others, like me, have allowed themselves to be free from social boundaries.

lover marriedlover married

Marriage is irrelevant, but do you want a good warm relationship with regular sex? A married man can be an excellent candidate. It all depends on the views of such a woman on a parallel relationship. I think that men can become lovers of married women for the same reason – a family is not needed, a free partner may want more at any moment, and a married woman is comfort and sex in one bottle.

What to do with polygonal shapes?

They can be quite stable and exist for years if all participants feel good in them.

But the side that feels uncomfortable always starts to rock the figure. Most often this is either a wife or a mistress.

The first may get tired of wearing horns, the second will want a surname, status, a child. As a psychologist, wives often ask me what to do – to publish adultery or not?

Tell your husband that they opened his phone, mailbox, tracked down his mistress? It all depends on what you want to get in the end and whether you are ready for both scenarios – either the scandal will return the husband to the family, or you can lose him.

For mistresses in the “war”, there is a clear shift in emphasis – the enemy that does not let go of a precious potential husband is his current wife. But in fact, as I said at the beginning, this is a man who goes to the left, he wants to have both a wife and a mistress at the same time, often lying to both. So the wife of your chosen one is not an enemy, she is the same unfortunate and deceived woman. Just if you admit the truth – a man is not a positive hero, the question becomes: “Is such a man needed?”

Is it possible to live without change?

As long as your life revolves in an orbit around the life of a man, there will always be losses.

Don’t know. In my opinion, loyalty is a voluntary choice. Any choice of one of the options always means the death of the other option. A mature and conscious person can make a choice (be true) and take responsibility for this choice (the death of the second option).

relationship without changerelationship without change

In our reality, filled with infants of both sexes, there are few mature and conscious. Give the infant the opportunity to grow up, then, I hope, there will be more honest marriages.

How to get out of the polygon without losses or how not to get into it?

I can only say to women: as long as your life revolves in an orbit around the life of a man, there will always be losses. Because in this case, the meaning, the goal of life is not life itself, but life for the sake of a man or together with a man. As soon as the man “swinged”, the woman immediately “storms”.

A man turns into an overvalued object and enjoys all the benefits of this position. Become the center of your life yourself. Then your balance will depend only on you. This does not mean that men are not needed or that they are “universal evil.” No. We are both valuable, equal figures in the universe, and we are equally necessary to each other. Keep a balance!

illustrations: @hennkim