15 years have passed since patriarchy, feminist movements have become recognized agents of influence on society, the network is full of life hacks on how to make yourself, a career, organize life and space, but the leading queries on Google remain “how to get married” and “how to fall in love with yourself guy.” Well, that is, you, of course, are talking about how to become free and self-sufficient, but we first get married, and then we’ll figure out why, why and how.
That’s probably why Cosmo launched the Do It Before You Get Married: Married Tips for Singles. So that those who run in marriage slow down a little. I will also speak on this topic.
It’s no secret that my marriage happened late, at 42, when, in principle, it was already possible to get married and not get out. And the first year of our life together we got divorced every month. Actually, I got divorced. Not because my husband turned out to be some kind of “not so”, terrible, tyrant, but because I realized, even with the most wonderful man, for a woman, marriage carries a lot of burdens. Heavy load, burdensome. And for this burden to be pleasant, feasible, a man needs a lot of steps towards. Why? Yes, because they will want in marriage from a woman in the old way – the keeper of the hearth, the coast, the mother. Just give in a new way – work, do it, come on, you’re a modern woman, we have equality.
And in order to find a balance in these new conditions, the couple needs to try very hard. So, like a good squaw, I set the table and serve my husband food. Only he prepares it completely, otherwise our divorce would have taken place long ago.
What can I say to those who are not yet married?
1. Do not rush to get married. I consider the time from about 25 to 35 to be the worst in my life, precisely because I was in a hurry to get married. The society pressed “when?”, “Why?”, “Come on”, they pressed examples of already married girlfriends “why did they get out, but I can’t?” “. This pressure deprives you of healthy criticality, selectivity.
When you try to pin the image of “the same one” on every male you meet, and then you get very upset if you find that you and a man are completely different from what he has with you. Because you have a “serious relationship” with him, and he has “comfortable”, “good sex” or “I haven’t figured it out yet” with you. Most of the men of that period were either not worth attention at all, or nothing more than one-time sex, and I would hardly look at them in their right mind, but what a sound mind, the bride who runs, dropping her veil, into the last car of the train “to get married” ?
2. Do not give any definitions, especially the exclusivity of your relationship. I like Petya, it’s nice, fun, exciting with him – excellent. Be in it. But this can be the same with Vasya and Vladislav. Because while you refuse Vasya and Vladislav, on the sole basis that something vague has begun with Petya, and you are a decent girl, do not forget that Petya can have a whole phone book of such decent virgins. Therefore, while Vasya or Petya do not beat a hoof in front of your doorstep “the only one, I want a family, children, all my life with you”, have your address book and use it.
As for women’s first steps. Of course you can do it. Before Vasya or Petya. Or Vladislav. There is nothing wrong with telling a person that you want more with them. But only once. He didn’t understand, he didn’t accept, he doesn’t give intelligible answers – sorry, we’ll say goodbye. Let’s look for someone who will be more clear in their intentions.
3. Don’t be afraid of sex. Try it different with different men. It’s called choice!
To choose the best, you need to try different things. The girls are also under the pressure of the reputation “if I have affairs with three people at once, then what is it. I’m so easily accessible and flighty that people would think.” In fact, there is nothing sadder than a woman in her 40s who married at 20 the first person she met, Vasya, because she called. Before Vasya, she had no sexual experience, and for twenty years of living with Vasya, she was disappointed in sex. Simply because initially they did not coincide with him, but they already got married. Now all her sex is to lie down and wait “finish it faster”, and at the age of 40 she divorced Vasya and crossed herself “I don’t want to get married or have sex anymore, I’ve suffered.”
4. Remember that good sex does not mean that you can live with a person. But with someone with whom bad sex, you definitely can’t live. My best lover was absolutely destructive in life, but it’s a miracle that I met him when I already understood this pattern, otherwise I would have hurt myself badly about him. But when I tried to live with a “good” person in a serious relationship with terrible sex, I risked becoming destructive.
5. Know yourself and make yourself. Not bad for personal therapy. Because while you are running into a relationship all so unloved in childhood, wounded, the other person will not be for you to enjoy. He will be a simulator, a compensator, in general, an endless donor of a resource that is not enough for you. And donation is not about a healthy relationship. This is about who will strangle and exhaust whom.
6. Stop fantasizing about love. Especially about the fact that she can change someone. Stop thinking that love is some kind of high feeling, it does not correlate with the material and everyone who is illumined by it becomes 100 steps better. That is, when a man comes to your house empty-handed, and at the same time you spent money on dinner, wine, and beautiful linen. And this goes on for the fifth time and the twenty-fifth, and you are embarrassed to tell him “you should at least buy a chocolate bar”, because you have love with him and this low chocolate bar will destroy everything …
This is not love, this is a fantasy in your head, but he just found a fool – he ate, drank, had sex. And all for beautiful words. Or, when he is all so drunk, but burning with passion, and you believe that you will fix everything, because you love, then he is dependent and you need not to love him, but to treat him and this is not your concern.
7. Master some profession, find a job you like. In marriage, you can work, you can not work, it’s how life will turn out and how you agree, but don’t get fooled by this masculine “two people, one career and this career is mine” or “I earn enough, it’s more convenient for you to be at home.” You should have a profession in your hands that will feed you regardless of whether there is a man nearby or not.
I know many stories when women put off their self-realization for the sake of the family, and then simply could not reach the planned heights at the age of 40 or 45, because the forces were not the same. Or even sadder, when a man left, not necessarily to his mistress, it happened that in another world. Suddenly, early, pointless. And my wife is already 50 years old and has nothing but a university behind her. Insure yourself against such surprises.
8. Remember, there are 7 billion people on Earth. Of these, 3.8 billion are men. If we discard those under 18 and over 65, married, committed bachelors, gays, those who have not yet decided on their gender, impotent, perverted, dependent, indigenous peoples of the North, they are far and cold there, then there are a couple of million. More than enough for one woman’s life.
Therefore, if the man of your dreams has just left you, even if it happened on the eve of the wedding, crying, but not crying for long, the next man of your next dream is already on the threshold. And believe me, it will be better than the previous one.
But what about marriage? What keeps me in it, although sometimes it is very difficult? Except for the dinners my husband cooks.
In marriage, you understand that the other person will never be completely the way you want. Even in a super-good relationship with a wonderful person, you will encounter things that are hard to put up with or lack. Just like he will face it in you.
And of course, when you meet what you like in other men, you will fantasize and weigh your needs and the risks of satisfying them. That is, marriage for me is some kind of constant verification of the correctness of your choice, and also some kind of movement towards. Male movement. Because it is from a woman in the old fashioned way that society expects to adapt and compromise.
And I used to do this, I thought that it was I who needed to adapt and smooth out the sharp corners in the relationship. But my husband showed me that a man can also adjust, smooth out, moreover, he does it because he is interested. In me, in our relationship, family. And it is his steps, his efforts, that ignite mine. And a new common movement is born and then it becomes interesting to find out how else we can move together.
Otherwise, I would have left this boat a long time ago.