Today, life hacks are in fashion. I don’t know if someone else’s advice, albeit useful, can teach someone. Can they save or warn, or at least make you think? For me personally, someone else’s experience is useful primarily because it allows you to understand that you are not the only “loser” in this world. Would you say that this is a little optimistic and even derogatory? And here it is not.
On the one hand, we are all unique and inimitable, even twins differ as individuals. On the other hand, we all go through the same development processes. And in this development we act similarly, we choose the same options, we make the same mistakes.
And if in success it is comfortable and alone, it is not for nothing that the podium consists of one step, then in failure it is somehow easier when there are a lot of people nearby. For everyone who feels like a loser now, this article has been created. You are not alone in making or making all these mistakes.
1. Get married at any cost
No matter how rapidly civilization develops, our society is largely patriarchal and ossified. Young virgins begin to be urged to get married already after 25 years. And if you are already over 30 and you have never been married, you begin to catch sympathetic glances or hear curious questions “why?” Yes, when?”. Everyone around you offers you a “good man” or places where you can look for him. And then the biological clock begins to tick – not only is she not married, she has not yet given birth to anyone – the woman feels doubly inferior. This is where the temptation arises to fight off your patterns and from society – to marry the first person you meet. The “first comer” may be a well-known person, only the thing is that there are no feelings for him, but we get married, hoping that we will “endure and fall in love”. Well, or not hoping, the main thing is to go out quickly, quickly give birth to a child, and then the devil himself is not a brother.
Council. In fact, everyone has their own destiny and their own speed – someone gets married for the first time both at 40 and at 50, someone gives birth to healthy children at 44, someone gives birth to them in marriage, someone does not, who -something generally remains alone, because it is better for him. All this matrimonial fuss has nothing to do with success or failure in life. A society that imposes its standards of “life by the rules” on you will not take responsibility either for your child, whom you gave birth not at the call of your heart, but out of a desire to do “like everyone else”, nor for your unhappy marriage, nor for a long debilitating divorce . You will be solely responsible. So maybe it’s better to play by your own rules right away?
2. “Rest on the laurels”
By the age of 30, as a rule, there are already a number of achievements behind them. Education, career, family, first car, first apartment. There is a temptation to say to yourself “enough is enough, I have already done a lot and have a lot”. And stop moving. Any prolonged stop is a path to regression. It does not matter where exactly the stop was delayed – in the family or in work, or in personal development. In the family, I often see women on extended maternity leave. They are very different from women who deliberately do not work because they have chosen the profession of wife and mother. Women on a protracted decree at first degrade very much outwardly – they do not need to monitor their face and figure, because she has already got married, and her husband, apparently, having said “Yes” in the registry office, signed up and forever loves a swollen body that has grown fat by 25 kg to work there is no need to go either, which means you can wear the same shapeless hoodie “both in a feast and in the world” for 10 years until it decays. Communicating with them is unbearably boring – the range of interests does not go beyond television programs or some events from the life of a child and husband, as well as gossip about acquaintances and strangers. Such a woman does not want anything, she is not interested in anything, because she is sure that she has already done everything.
There are also people at work who are stuck in one position or in one position in the same company for 10-20 years. And they seem to do their job well, you can’t fault it. But the trouble is, they don’t want to know everything that goes beyond the scope of this work. And they don’t want to change anything, but why?
Council. Yes, we all take breaks to prepare for a new stage in life. And for them, too, there are no clear deadlines. But from time to time it is worth asking yourself the question “why did I stop – to take a time out for some purpose or I just don’t want to go anywhere.
3. Become self-confident
From point two, a third mistake can also come out – when there are already achievements, they can turn your head. You begin to look down on people who have not yet reached the same level as you. Do not admit mistakes, do not perceive criticism, advice, in general, any hints that you do not know something, cannot or do not know how. The difference between confidence and self-confidence is that a confident person recognizes the limitations of his abilities, his ignorance, inability, and mistakes. A self-confident person is always right, knows everything and is always better than anyone. Many stumble over this “stone”; success is like champagne, it immediately hits the head. But for some, “intoxication” passes quickly, while others remain in “binge” for a long time.
Council. Life does not spare ignoramuses. People don’t like clues. At one point, you can find yourself with a “broken trough”, but there will not even be an “old man” nearby to support. Did you move towards success in order to lose everything?
4. Live for a career
Any “living for something” limits all other areas of life. No matter how important, necessary, successful and profitable a career is, it will not replace family, relatives and friends. In the race up the corporate ladder, a deceptive feeling can arise, like a squirrel in a wheel – if you stop spinning the wheel, the car will stop – you will be fired, not promoted, a cool project will fail, an important client will “leave”.
Council. Yes, the project can fail and the client leave, but in nature there is a constant circulation of people and money, and places, and opportunities. Life is not static. If you are moving too, new people and new opportunities will always come. No job is worth missing a child’s “first time in first grade,” an unsaid “goodbye” to a departing person, or a missed “I need you, I love you” call. This is something that will definitely never come back.
5. “It’s too late for me”
Social stereotypes about age are as strong as those about marriage. There is some kind of unspoken code of rules about how it should and how it should not behave at a certain age. It’s too late to go to the dance at 30 – “what will people say?”. It’s too late to get an education “how, I’m already 35, why should I sit at a desk with 20-year-olds.” It’s too late to move to another country “how am I going to start everything from scratch, because I’m already 32?”. It’s too late to run through the puddles and wallow in the snow – after all, “alas and ah, you are already 29.”
Council. Any “no, it’s too late for me” is a closed door. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a corridor where all the doors are closed? Isn’t this a tomb or a crypt in which you imprison yourself while still alive?
6. Fear of intimacy
By the age of 30, we already have scars on the heart. From false friends, false lovers. And, of course, it’s scary that someone new will hurt us again. Therefore, we close ourselves – we become suspicious, incredulous, cautious. We hide our vulnerability behind the armor of cynicism and bravado “I don’t need anyone.” Again, we voluntarily place ourselves in a dark and cold crypt, get a dog or a cat and pour out on them all the huge and unspent fuse of the soul. Sleeping with a stranger becomes easier than getting to know a stranger.
Council. This fear is also a closed door. Yes, there will still be failures – and you can quarrel with a friend, and your loved one will leave. But negative experience is not given to us so that we isolate ourselves, but only so that we better separate the “real” from the “false”, so that we understand who should be trusted and who should never.
7. Fear of age
I remember how on the day of my 30th birthday I sobbed on the plane, turning to the window. I flew away so as not to celebrate, so as not to even pronounce this date aloud, after which life is over. After all, it will only get worse – 40, 50 and (the horror of 68 years). I even looked in the mirror and it seemed that the wrinkles on my face had increased at once. But I celebrated 40 years on a grand scale, in a restaurant, in the company of friends, giving myself a new erotic photo shoot for the holiday, which I would simply be afraid to do at 20 or 30 years old.
Council. Yes, age-related changes are reflected in appearance – no matter how far plastic surgery and cosmetology has stepped, at 45 you are unlikely to look 20. But our body is just a shell, it is like the cover of a book. You can “buy in” for a catchy cover and a bright title, and find boredom and emptiness inside.
8. Don’t invest in yourself
At some point, when a career and incomes are growing, one can forget that money is not the meaning of life, but just a way to make it more comfortable. And this comfort is not only in the “beautiful” facade. Comfort in developing yourself as a person, not in the ability to consume.
Council. Yes, 35 pairs of shoes can be the envy of colleagues and girlfriends, but they still wear out or go out of fashion. But the countries and cities you have seen will remain with you forever. Prices for education can bite, and why should you, secondly, better postpone it. But all savings end sooner or later, and skills and abilities will always give you the opportunity for new earnings.
9. Wasting time on regrets
Of course, few people are lucky to be born with a “silver spoon in their mouth.” Yes, and do not make mistakes by the age of 30, too. Usually, by this age, a decent bundle of “broken” firewood accumulates. Also, this age is overestimated. So we begin to disassemble this “bundle”, and regret the missed chances, opportunities, lost people. You can bury yourself in these sufferings for another 10 years, or even decide “that life has cracked” and everything is already irreversible.
Council. In fact, there is little irreversible in life – only birth and death. As long as you are alive, there is always a chance to fix everything, find it, catch up, change it. Do not miss it in regrets about what has already been missed.
10. Not talking about your feelings and needs
Again, out of some invisible introjects, we choose not to speak directly about what we want, what is important to us, what offends us. We prefer to let those around us guess what we want or feel. But those around you are not psychics, the boss cannot guess that it’s time for you to raise your salary, your friend may not understand that her questions are “well, has he already made you an offer?” you are offended, and this same Petya may never find out that you love him and want to marry him.
Council. State yourself directly in the format of “I – messages”, such as “I’m angry”, “I expect a salary increase, because the volume of my work and its quality has grown”, “I love you”, “now I just want to be silent, when I’m ready, I’ll tell you myself” doesn’t make you arrogant, pushy, or rude. The more clearly you tell people what you want, the more likely you are to get it. Even in today’s popular quests, participants are given hints.