Problems of finding a partner are among the top 5 reasons for seeking a psychologist. Mostly women come to me who complain that they either cannot find a man at all, or that a man disappears without explanation after a short relationship. Why is this happening? Where did he disappear to, or maybe there are really no suitable men?
Two very different, but very failed strategies for dating and dealing with a potential boyfriend can be distinguished – the syndrome of the last man and the syndrome of the star.
Women with the last man syndrome live with the door wide open. In the category “man of my dreams”, everyone who at least flashed on the threshold, that is, reached the second date, is immediately recorded. There is no critical perception of the partner. Some kind of recognition of him – to look closely, to get used to, to think, to compare with others, to choose – too. If sex happens and a toothbrush is solemnly brought into the house – that’s it, the woman finally blows her mind. What is happening is immediately interpreted as the beginning of a long family life. It does not matter that apart from the brush nothing is brought into the house. And there are no other signs that a man is going to stay in a woman’s life. Questions are not asked, intentions are not clarified. A woman might timidly ask “what’s going on between us,” but any mumbling or just “uh-huh” counts as “it’s okay, we’re a couple.” Further, everything depends on the interest and decency of a man, but interest, as a rule, is not enough for a short time, and decency is enough to send an SMS “sorry”.
Women with Star Syndrome, or the Princess in the Tower, on the other hand, are not just critical, they are overly confused by their complexity and how unique and mysterious it must be to get to know them. They are conducted on different rituals: in order for me to pay attention to him, he must write me some original text, and not just “hello”, invite me to the Bulgakov Museum on the first date at night, and on the third, by all means bring a bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums. Sex after the eighth date and candlelight dinner at Dracula’s castle. If, God forbid, a man gives tulips at the first meeting and invites you to drink coffee at the nearest coffee shop – that’s all, he is deleted from the list of those living on this planet. After all, she is all such a superpersonality, cannot descend to simple platitudes.
And the first and second categories of women usually turn out to be lonely and wounded, men constantly run away from the first, and they don’t run to the second – they don’t pass the standards for rituals. Women with the last man syndrome underestimate themselves. The princesses in the tower are overestimated many times over. Both are afraid of intimacy, only in different ways. Women with the syndrome of the last man absorb the object so that he loves them for both dad and mom, and for all the previous last ones and for herself. Only he will love, and she will not believe him, because she does not love herself. She wants to be loved, but does not believe that this is possible.
The stars also want to absorb, but after tormenting them, as their cold narcissistic mothers tormented, “I will love you later, when you become the way I want.”
Just as the truth is in the middle, so a normal man is found between these polar types. A man does not want to love a woman who does not love herself and self-deprecates. A man cannot love a woman for himself and for someone else. A man does not want to climb over a fair pole for a prize and constantly pass some tests and standards. Relationships are not a competition of skill and originality, not a battle of personalities, not sacrifices and not compensation.
Relationships are a union of two equally interested people, and in this union both are comfortable. You need to treat self-esteem in the office of a psychologist, and treat men moderately selectively. Do not forget that there are more than 3 billion of them on the planet. And even if we discard all those who are under 21 and over 80, married, not interested in women, interested, but not capable of anything other than interest, those who pick their noses and cannot read and write, it will still remain a couple of million and they will be enough for our century. But if you put in the criterion “blond, height 185, with graceful long fingers, who plays the harp, reads Shakespeare in the original, knows how to bake Madeleine cookies and can distinguish Cabernet Sauvignon from the 2006 harvest from 2002”, then there may well be no left of these millions no one.
Treat yourself and others adequately and then adequate relationships will come into your life.
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