Love means different things to different people. How to figure out what is missing in a relationship for you, and what for him?
The well-known family specialist Harry Chapman is convinced that love must be supported by conscious efforts. It is not formed by itself even from mutual passion. To grow it, you need mental work. And then it is able to persist both in the fifth and in the thirtieth year of marriage.
What is this activity? First of all, it is about understanding each other correctly. People express their love in different languages, Chapman explains. And in relation to themselves, they do not always expect the same expression of affection. Hence the mutual misunderstanding.
She, for example, grieves: “Before the wedding, he brought me flowers every other day! Now you won’t even get a dandelion: it means he doesn’t like it … ”And he, let’s say, pouts:“ Once we could lie in bed, hugging, all Sunday! And now her head always hurts … Love has passed! At the same time, he simply does not realize that she needs such signs of attention on his part. And she is about how important the physical feeling of togetherness is for him …
Chapman identifies only five types of different manifestations of love – and each of them has its own “dialects”. Perhaps you will open your own? But let’s start with the basics.
Language first. Good words
“I love you!”, “You are the best in the world”, “I am so glad that we are together” … Trite? But how else to express the special location even more accurately?
Others need words like air. Such a person, feeling a lack of a “verbal love vitamin”, can pester a dear being: “Do you love me, tell me?” And the creature is sometimes offended. Instead of taking note: to warm the family climate, you need to express good feelings for your partner more often.
The individual who “loves with the ears” needs to receive confirmation that he (she) is doing the right thing. It may seem to a man that it is natural for his wife to cook something special for dinner every day. And she lacks a simple: “You cook so deliciously, you have talent!” The same thing can happen to a gentleman who breaks the ribbons in his career “race” to provide for his family. He needs to know that his efforts are appreciated.
“Talker” reproaches are contraindicated. He (she) needs the closest ones to convince him (she) of something and inspire him to exploits. Sincere: “I’m sure that you will succeed!” can work miracles.
Second language. Practical support
“Love is manifested primarily not in words, but in deeds”: that would be the slogan of another group. For them, the willingness to make efforts for the sake of a loved one is important. The desired help may look not only as a division of household chores. You can show attention to them both by increased diligence, which financially strengthens the family, and participation in the upbringing of the child, and obtaining a burning ticket. The main thing is “they tried for me.”
Third language. Gifts and surprises
It was people of this type who invented the ritual of presenting the ring as a marriage proposal. For them, a gift is not a formality, but a real expression of love. The heart of such a person can be softened even by a modest gift – if only it was presented from the heart. And if the present is from the category “I have long dreamed of just such”, he is completely capable of elevating to the pinnacle of bliss! For him, “useless purchases” are not useless: they make you feel that all the time of searching, buying and presenting a surprise, you were remembered, they wanted to please you.
“Givers” themselves prefer to speak to their loved ones in this way. They are hurt if their gifts are not used, forgotten or lost. Since, as they are sure, a piece of the heart is certainly invested in a gift.
Fourth language. time for two
Do you know those who complain that the spouse is absorbed in work – and pays little attention to the family? This situation is a constant source of suffering for people who can be called “mindful”. Being close to a loved one is the main thing for them in love.
Go for a walk or a trip together. Something to do with four hands. Exchange experiences. consult. The main thing is together: this is a cherished word for the “attentive”. They may be offended by the remark: “Well, what are you complaining about! Here I am – sitting next to me and reading Facebook! No, the “attentive” one needs to spend time with his beloved, achieve something (even if the tile is clean!) Shoulder to shoulder – and talk heart to heart.
Fifth language. body contact
“Touching” feel primarily with the body. They love to hold hands. They shrink when they are stroked or their hair is sorted out. They are ready to hug and kiss with the object of their passion a hundred times a day. In sex, they are inspired and selfless.
“I love you” in their language is expressed by a gentle touch, a long kiss. In separation, they have a particularly hard time: bodily hunger gives them serious mental suffering. And if a native being is nearby, but there is no physical contact, a feeling of forgetfulness and abandonment comes.
No, it is not at all necessary to have sex with a “touching” partner twice a day from year to year. For them, literal contact is important. Spouses who speak this language “in chorus” feed each other with constant touches, without words reminding each other how much they need each other.
How to speak the language of love
The conclusion, perhaps, is clear: it makes no sense to fill up with new ties for someone who needs to scratch his back for happiness. But there is no reason to grieve if the gentleman sings serenades, but is in no hurry to repair the locker. We often do not think of such simple things. Because automatically (or following the example of our parents) we focus on one thing – and we don’t think that another may be needed for a life together. And then we start the disease of misunderstanding, stubbornly not wanting to translate our desires to the partner and inquire about his needs. Let’s try to get in touch, shall we?
What to do if the “love language” of you or your partner is not so obvious as to be noticed at first sight? You have to watch and think.
For yourself, answer a few questions. How do you prefer to express good feelings? Stroke your head, call you a “cat”, pamper you with a cake? The absence of what causes particular pain – lack of praise, lack of affection, lack of common time? .. How do you imagine an ideal partner – a gallant gentleman, a caring hard worker, a passionate macho? No, you don’t need a living man to fit the ideal. You can just gently let him know what you sometimes lack …
For him, take a look. Experiment. How does he respond to different ways of encouraging? Blooms or shrugs? Or you can ask directly: “You know, dear, I read an interesting article. They say that some Chapman established that in love people use five languages. What do you think, what languages do you and I have?”
And speaking another language is not so difficult. It’s like with real foreign languages: by studying them in an immersive way, you can begin to fluently communicate with those who until recently seemed to be aliens … The main thing is to say the first word.
Compatibility of a man and a woman: your formula for love
7 types of love: who are you in a relationship with a man?