I am often asked how and where to find a mate when life has moved to the Internet, but virtual dating has devalued the very idea of u200bu200bmeetings, and all participants in the process.
Well-known sites for online dating are more like sex clubs or a teleconference with a psychiatric clinic.
Men and women frustrated with finding the right match complain and get angry at each other.
Women reproach men for offering sex, rudeness and lack of interest, men reproach women for ignoring, high expectations and … disinterest.
Yes, both sides accuse each other of the same thing – superficial and disinterested communication, as if everyone still has at least 25 worthy applicants.
It’s true: online dating is frustrating, traumatizing, angry, and even scary.
And at the same time, the Internet has been and remains the most affordable way to find a partner. But in order to use it comfortably and not get hurt, you need to learn a few simple safety rules.
Give dating sites a well-defined time. For example, no more than an hour a day to view profiles and respond to the most interested respondents.
In addition, take breaks in an active search – set aside a month for yourself to select and screen out 3-4 of the most suitable candidates. Then delete the profile and develop acquaintances with the selected group.
If none of the acquaintances has grown into a relationship that is comfortable for you, resume your profile and search.
Honestly tell yourself what you want, what you are ready to accept in a partner, and what is not. You can not write about this in your profile, but it’s worth keeping in mind.
Because for each goal there are different selection criteria and a different search strategy.
Will you let a man into your territory or is a partner with housing important to you? Do you want a guest relationship or are you looking for someone to live with permanently? How do you feel about your partner’s small children? Do you have animals, will you accept a man’s pets?
It would seem that these are minor everyday questions, why should they be immediately clarified if we all want love? But they are able to breed any pair of people who are very nice to each other!
3. Love with obstacles
Determine if you are considering out-of-town and foreign candidates. On the one hand, when both live in the same city, it is easier and faster to meet, look at each other and decide.
But, at the same time, there are very interesting men in other countries and cities. If you decide not to narrow down the range and are considering all options, it is good for distant candidates to use a few simple principles so as not to waste time.
Set the time how long you are willing to wait for a real meeting. A man from afar, if he is serious in his intentions and chooses a woman in another region, keeps in mind the need for a meeting. In principle, he is ready for it, which means he will find time, despite any busyness and distance.
A man who just wants to fantasize will postpone the meeting under any, the most incredible pretexts.
If there were already two pretexts, and a couple of months have passed since the beginning of communication, you can safely transfer it to the black list.
If a man immediately declares that he is ready to come, even determines the time of arrival, but at the same time all his conversations revolve around your underwear or sexual preferences, even if he arrives, then with a narrowly focused goal – sex. Are you ready for such an adventure?
It’s good to immediately clarify with a man how he sees your relationship at a distance – does he want you to move, what can you do in his city or country, are there any cultural differences? Check if he is who he claims to be. Ask for links to profiles in social networks, check the IP address.
4. Be open
Reply to all messages, except for clearly offensive and vulgar. Even if it’s messages like “Hi, how are you?”
Remember that writing to a stranger is very difficult. It is all the more difficult from the very first minutes to look interesting, unbanal and sparkling to joke.
If you don’t believe me, try texting someone first and start a conversation. Therefore, help the interlocutor who dared to do this. Ask questions to the man. Feel free to compliment, accept it gratefully.
Check a person in communication, and do not draw conclusions before it has begun.
5. Give it a chance!
Go to meetings. Yes, we all value time and do not want to waste it in vain. Therefore, many people want to weed out unsuitable options at the stage of correspondence.
But. Do not forget that not everyone is a master of the epistolary genre. Many simply find it difficult to write and easier to communicate in person. And some candidate who writes you short messages “about nothing” and does not know what to ask and what to say, in life may turn out to be quite a pleasant person with whom you are comfortable, despite the fact that he is silent.
And the way a person makes an appointment is very revealing. If in the correspondence you predetermine the day and time, he says that he will call – and does not call, but appears after a couple of days and offers to meet again, while he does not explain why everything fell apart or just says “was busy” – these are you and there will be relationships, if you reach them – a man will let you down, disappear, then appear, you will always feel in tenth place.
If a man asks where you work and offers to meet for lunch, it is also an indicator that he is not up to you. He allocated 15 minutes for the meeting, and it’s not a fact that he will allocate more for relationships.
In addition, it is no secret to anyone that both men and women on the network lie – they indicate the wrong age in their profile, post irrelevant or heavily modified photoshop photos. You can think that you are talking with a 35-year-old handsome athlete, and a 50-year-old bald and plump man will come to the meeting, who really was an athlete, but 15 years ago.
If a man himself appoints a time and place, and does not ask if it is convenient for you, then you have a selfish dictator in front of you, he and only he will be in your relationship.
If a man offers to meet on the street or in a park, this may indicate that he does not want to invest and spend money, and it is not a fact that he wants to do this in a relationship.
Just don’t forget with all those “ifs” about the golden rule of psychology. It sounds like this: “If a person keeps his hands in his pockets, he is uncomfortable or he is lying. Or maybe he’s just cold. The meaning of the rule is that any “bell” can turn out to be both alarming and falsely far-fetched. It is best to check everything in person.
6. Expectations and reality
Align your expectations with reality. Look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say what you are and what kind of man can get carried away with you.
If your own criticality is not enough, you can ask one of your close friends how you look. According to my observations, it is those who are not able to evaluate themselves critically that get hurt and suffer on dating sites.
For example, a not very slim and not very well-groomed woman aged 40+ sees herself as still a 30-year-old beauty and expects a sporty torso, a stylish look and above average material wealth from a man.
He does not find such a man, simply because she is not in his field of vision, refuses ordinary men around the age of 50 and goes out into the world with resentment: “there are no normal men, only goats and idiots around.”
Or a 50-year-old man, unkempt, unsettled, without an apartment, writes to 25-year-old girls, gets rejected or ignored by them, and concludes: “All women need only money.”
7. You’re not here for the prince
Treat online dating as an experiment, as an attempt. Do not look at everyone with whom a dialogue began as a man of his whole life.
Don’t count the first date as a relationship. Do not confuse sex with love and relationships. Do not reject or devalue a person right away, but at the same time immediately indicate what you do not like.
An adequate person will hear and take note, an inadequate person will continue to do what you do not like. The main thing is that you do not continue to be with him in communication.
No matter how much we scold online dating, they have been and remain the most convenient way to find a partner. The main thing is to use them correctly.
And do not forget that a couple can be found everywhere, even where you least expect. Chat, meet, check, search.
Relationships are a process, not a result. Let yourself be in the process.
I am a bitch: interesting about love and psychosomatics
I’m looking for a serious relationship or how to ruin my life