You must have read hundreds of rules for quality, eternal, respectful, and some other kind of relationship. Our expert, practical psychologist Elena Shpundra gives 5 anti-advice. This is how you really need to build a relationship as a couple!
In articles and books about living together, you can often find the phrase: “Relationships need to be worked on.” Which is usually followed by a whole set of tips. Like: “Tell your husband “I love you!” three times a day, discuss all your feelings with him, but do it in the format of I-messages, meet him in the Passionate Devil costume once a week and give passionately right where you met.
The idea of working on relationships always gives me the creeps. It’s not that I believe that relationships develop on their own and do not require effort. But I know that any union can be destroyed worse by too intense and active actions than by inaction. Especially if the actions are so thoughtful and artificial.
So what is better not to do in a relationship, but to let everything take its course? Here are some of my recipes.
Not all feelings need to be spoken out and not all conflicts need to be resolved.
Some young couples mistakenly believe that every nuance of feeling is worth discussing with each other. Or every dissatisfaction – for example: “Darling, you left dirty dishes in the sink, you hurt my feelings because the dishes will not wash themselves, and we agreed that you would do it!” – to build into a mega-controversy and start negotiations.
However, feelings are not static. Life is generally changeable.
Today we are happy and love a person, tomorrow we quarreled, and love is replaced by anger, the day after tomorrow we generally doubt whether we have chosen the right person, whether this is the right person. Bringing down all these states on the partner’s head is pointless and even cruel.
How should a person feel when they say: “I doubt that you are the one I need”? These are not his doubts, and he is not a trained dog to start serving for sugar, showing the owner that he is the best.
Yes, and it takes about 2 minutes to wash a plate, but you can say that it has not been washed and again distribute and redistribute responsibilities, driving each other into a frenzy, you can all day.
Rather, it is important to highlight the fundamental issues that are really worth talking about. And those things that are easy to miss. Otherwise, in abundant conversations about feelings, the feelings themselves are lost. And there will always be some contradictions in relationships, simply because the other person is different. He does not live in our body and cannot do only what we want and consider important.
Again, many women’s magazines write about “time together” – do something together, experience common emotions together, have common interests, friends. And I will say: do something separately!
In any relationship, you need to have space for yourself and give rest to your partner.
In addition, for a sense of community, intimacy, it is not at all necessary to do dancing or extreme sports together. It may be some space at home, not associated with much activity at all. For example, chatting in bed before going to bed, or sharing dinner, or petting a cat. Often enough and 5 general minutes a day to understand that a person is nearby.
The same is true with truth. You don’t have to think that being honest in a relationship means “cutting” your loved one everything that you did, everything that came to your mind or everything that you think about your partner.
It would be good to first ask yourself the question: do I want to hear everything about myself and know about the other? I don’t think that the information that you have grown old, gained weight, put on a ridiculous dress, a new employee came to their office (she’s just walking sex, all men discuss her in a smoking room) will somehow help to lose weight, change style or feel desired .
On the contrary, it makes sense to decide for yourself what things you will never say to your partner, because they will hurt him. And what needs to be said, because it affects the quality of your relationship.
Attitude is not only about pleasing and indulging another. It is important to understand that there is truth that can change something for the better, and there is truth that can simply kill. And what is the priority – to live together or to exterminate the partner.
All fairy tales about love are permeated with the idea of ”living together happily ever after and dying on the same day.” That is, from the moment the pair is formed, a certain endless idyll arises. And if not an idyll, then infinity – “we are together and it will always be so.” With this idea, we begin to look at the partner as a constant, and in this his value is lost.
I advise you to think: today we are together, and tomorrow everything can change. Life is generally finite. How can the relationship in it be endless? And not necessarily because “only death can do us part.” A lot of things can separate a couple, including the variety of choices that the Internet gives. Or that “super-sex” employee who came to work. Or that the feelings are gone. Or the fact that the conflicts went off scale.
For me, relationships become more valuable the more I understand how easy it can be to leave them and how quickly they can end. Because in many matters it is easier to live alone than to get along as a couple. Breaking up relationships is easier than resolving conflicts in them. Finding someone new for the night, for a couple of weeks, for a month is easier than trying to stay with the old one.
Marriage does not make us “frigid” or “castrati.” We still notice other handsome men and women, we are attracted to them. We fantasize: what would happen if … It is pointless to deny it. However, how to react – to see in every element of the manifestation of sexuality a threat to relationships.
It doesn’t ruin my marriage in any way that a husband can lose his gaze in the cleavage of the lady at the next table in the restaurant. I myself am drowning in it – more precisely, I observe with interest: the boobs will fall out on the table or not. We are not divorced by the fact that I look at someone’s elastic press in a photo on Instagram and think: what is he like in bed?
On the contrary, the thought that he can go to the “decollete”, and I will realize how good the “abs” are in bed – but instead we look at each other, at our imperfect bodies and stay together – makes our relationship warmer. and brighter.
When we meet and create a couple, we touch the virtues, show each other the best and fantasize that this best will only get better. In my opinion, this is the underwater threshold on which the ships of love crash.
Because the idea of a strong relationship is not to hide shortcomings from each other or to change the other so that his shortcomings are not there. The secret of a successful relationship is to see all the partner’s shortcomings and show him your own, still find in a couple something that compensates for them.
illustrations — @amandaoleander