Acquaintance with a man, the inner voice “This is him!”, Romantic dates, butterflies in the stomach, confession, proposal, white dress, dreams of a brighter future… The first quarrels, tears, misunderstanding, reproaches, disappointment, insight… Divorce. Familiar algorithm? No doubt. If not you, then someone from your environment probably played out a similar scenario.

why do we choose the wrong oneswhy do we choose the wrong ones

Well, the story is as old as the world. And yet, why is this happening? Why did the person who made your heart burst out of your chest, whom you considered your “soulmate” and with whom you were ready to live long and die on the same day, “suddenly” turned out to be a sadist, abuser, womanizer, pathological liar? Where were your eyes?! When I asked women who have gone through a divorce about this, I most often heard: “He turned out to be completely different”, “He is not the man I married” or “I thought he would change” …

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You know, I personally believe that people don’t change. They just take off their masks. Of course, we all have the right to make mistakes and bad experiences. But sometimes the price for it is too high. Time, health, psyche – all this is an invaluable resource, and it is pointless to waste it on a “not your” person. How to recognize it? There are always signs that reveal the true face under the thickest mask and in the wildest love fever. Sometimes it’s enough just to catch the signals, listen to the alarm bells. Or make them sound louder…

I will tell you three stories from my life. They are just about this – about why, in fact, we choose the wrong men, and about the signals that fate sends us to protect us from mistakes.

A real man

Sveta was crazy about Vadim. Strong, confident, a little brutal. He resolved issues quickly and without sentimentality. “He is a real man, and I follow him like a stone wall. Yes, he can punch in the face and deal with anyone, but it’s impossible to be completely non-aggressive in our time! Once, in the presence of Sveta, Vadim made such “showdowns” on the road, deciding that “some lousy Ford” cut him off. The case ended with a broken arm and dislocated jaw of the Ford owner. The issue was “resolved” before the arrival of the police, but there was a moment that Sveta often remembered later. The wife of the man whose arm Vadim had broken said, looking into her eyes: “Keep in mind, one day he will raise his hand to you. Because he’s a sadist – he likes to hurt.” And so it happened…

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Lover Hero

Inna was very flattered that Max, with his reputation as a stealer of women’s hearts, chose her. Yes, he had many connections, he is obsessed with sex, but now he has her, Inna, and he will never look away again! And when one of her friends confidentially informed her that Max openly molested her, Inna directed all her rage at her friend herself. “She is jealous of me, wants to quarrel us and take Max away!” As a result, Inna got rid of all her friends from the word “absolutely”, and even offered to become a witness at the wedding … the sister of the groom. And after a while I found out that he was cheating on her with a realtor who showed them an apartment, then with a hairdresser, then with a babysitter for their little son …

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Miserly knight

Anna met with Victor for six months. Beautiful courtship, expensive gifts, luxury car trips, envy of girlfriends. When he gave her a Cartier engagement ring, she burst into tears of delight. But Anna still had something to worry about. “It seems to me that he attaches too much importance to things, their value, external attributes in general. Of course, I like to receive gifts from him, but sometimes there is a feeling that all this excites him more than sex … And he always emphasizes how expensive and status it all is, ”she shared with her friend. “I think you’re exaggerating. But if you want to test its strength, tell me you lost the ring. You’ll find out just how obsessed he is with things.” Anya did just that. And you know, the result exceeded all expectations. Hysteria, screams, insults: “Another would have prayed for such a thing! Look at you! What are you doing without all this!” The Cartier ring went to his head…

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And yet it is the happiest of all stories. Because her heroine did not get into a relationship whose end was a foregone conclusion. Yes, suspecting something was wrong, she gave the man a small test, which he failed miserably. And why, in fact, not? In the candy-bouquet period, we don’t have many chances to find out how a man behaves in a stressful situation, what he is like in anger, neurosis, rage, what makes him angry, is he able to resist temptation, give up his interests, cope with difficulties . All these moments, without which no marriage can do and which in the end can destroy it, it is important to find out before a man gets you wrapped in a veil. And if for this you need to go for a provocation, simulate a stressful situation, find leverage, by pulling which you can ruffle your partner and thereby test him for adequacy and compatibility, then it’s worth doing it! And finally stop choosing the wrong men.

As for me, I confess: I did not arrange a special test for my future husband – it overtook us by itself. After that, the understanding came: if this person is nearby, in difficult moments I will not be left alone. And life has confirmed it.