Is it possible to get rid of conflicts and quarrels in a relationship once and for all? And what if the situation only worsens with every year of living together? The founder of the Academy of Practical Psychology describes his opinion and ways to solve the problem Igor Pogodin.
In my live performances, in personal messages on the Internet and comments on various resources, I often see the same question: “How to avoid conflicts in family relationships?”. I answer: no way. Conflict is one of the ways and a natural stage in the development of your relationship.
The worst thing you can do is get rid of them. In 95% of cases, of course, it is not possible to do this. But if somehow you managed to enter the 5% – you are among the most unfortunate families on the planet. I’m not exaggerating. Furthermore, your children will become even more unhappy than you.
The dynamics of life change and the energy that must be spent on it cannot be stopped. You literally block the development of your family if you try to interfere with this process. What’s more, get rid of it.
But this does not mean that all quarrels and conflicts are good. What can be done:
- Reduce the brightness of conflicts.
- Reduce their number.
- Turn them into a growth tool for your family.
How? Make the process as natural as possible.
Two Types of Conflict Every Family Faces
Not all fights are the same. There are two most common scenarios that can be repeated.
1. Conflicts that develop you
Each quarrel takes place according to a new scenario. You are NOT stepping on the same rake. Disagreements appear for new reasons.
Good news: you don’t have to do anything about this kind of conflict. All is well in your family. Each time you and your partner become:
- more tolerant
- more sustainable.
Your family is growing and developing. And, just as importantly, you improve individually. There are good trusting relationships with parents, friends and colleagues. You are balanced people. You are loved, listened to and listened to.
Because you always use a pedagogical and developmental way of resolving conflicts.
2. Groundhog Day
You can quarrel over the same phenomenon several times in a row. It seems to find a compromise, but again you find yourself on opposite sides of the barricade after a while. The scenario of conflicts is the same.
The news here is not good: you need to work hard on it. In most cases, conflicts of this type develop on the principle of mutual claims and reproaches. How often do you want to express all the claims to your partner? Like what:
- He never loved you.
- He doesn’t appreciate you.
- He is ungrateful.
- He doesn’t know what it’s like to pay attention.
The next time such a desire arises, stop at this moment and think. If this happens, chances are you’ve landed on just such a family groundhog day.
You need to get out as soon as possible, because to date, not a single conflict based on family reproaches has ended well. There is a strong opinion that truth is born in a dispute. Remember, in such a dispute you will never find her.
From personal experience:
As a rule, people whose families are in a state of vivid crisis turn to specialists for psychotherapy. And already at the first session, sitting opposite the therapist, they begin a dialogue with each other just out of reproaches. Statements begin that someone does not appreciate someone, has never loved, and so on.
What to do in this case?
Stay. If for some reason and prejudice you are not ready to break this chain of mutual recriminations, you will never get rid of such quarrels. You have a claim to a partner. She “eats” you. You want to talk about it every day. Can you imagine how much energy is accumulated in this claim?
But where did she come from? All energy is taken from need. You unconsciously want something from your partner. Not having a full understanding of what exactly, you make reproaches that are in no way directly related to your need.
You want your spouse to think you are more sexy. Instead of expressing this need directly, you say:
- “You never understand me.”
- “I don’t feel your love.”
- “Your work is more precious than me and our family.”
You get offended, go to different rooms and do not talk to each other for a couple of hours. Next are two options:
- You are engaged in bright and passionate sex. So make peace. And fix the quarrel in this form. Next time you know what to do to repeat this sex. And you do. Perhaps unconsciously.
- You do NOT have sex for a couple of weeks or longer. There is also a fixation of a quarrel. And you know what to do to NOT have sex. Subsequently, you again resort to your “tool”.
Of course, both options do not lead to anything good. Cool sex is good. But you need to understand that in this case your family does not develop. Believe me, the quality of sex will definitely not deteriorate if you learn to satisfy your needs correctly, and not through conflicts.
Task and method number 1 – learn to recognize your true needs. Sit across from each other and think. When you want to give your partner another batch of reproaches, how do you really feel? For example, you feel hurt. The next step is to understand what you want from a person when this feeling comes up? Paint yourself the perfect picture. How the dialogue should look like so that you are satisfied after it. Of course, in your head. When you analyze this ideal dialogue, you will find the real need.
This method leads to miraculous changes. I have had clients whose lives have changed dramatically simply because of this realization. They did not discuss anything with partners and did not even change anything. One of the students in my live program gestalt therapy I just learned to recognize my needs and a week later came with the words: “Igor, this is a miracle! I didn’t tell him anything. I carry on as usual. But it’s like he’s been replaced. It’s a different person.”
It really does look like magic. But there is nothing supernatural in this. This is a normal result of Gestalt therapy.
Do you want to know more about the working methods of this type of practical psychology? I share concrete examples and tools on my YouTube channel. go over.