Every second female question to a psychologist is about relationships with men. A woman is not satisfied with the relationships that exist, or she wants to get married. Men seem to pay attention, get to know each other, and then disappear after a couple of contacts. What’s the matter? In the absence of initiation. Let me explain!
Every woman in her life needs to make the transition from the state of “Girl” to the state of “Woman”. In psychology, this process is called initiation. If this does not happen, then, of course, despite the age, there are problems with the perception of oneself and the world around, and after that in relationships with men.
Usually, the backstories of all the heroines are different: “I dream of meeting a man, but he is not there, only idiots and perverts write to me on dating sites”; or a woman is waiting for her married lover to divorce or at least “let her go”; or she is all so cool and her men are also cool, and everything is younger than her, and everything is wonderful in her life – she apparently came to a psychologist to show off … but still she doesn’t leave, she sits.
Soon, the victorious gleam gradually disappears from the eyes. Fear comes through. One young lover occasionally borrows money from her. The second – does not appear with her in public, only at home and only sex.
Yes, every woman has her own background, but at the same time, one common moment slips through them – regardless of their real age, these ladies perceive themselves as girls, behave like girls and also contact the world like girls. So, they are completely at odds with their femininity. Therefore, in all stories you recognize fairy-tale heroines.
Types of girls from a fairy tale
Turning to fairy tales is not a new practice in psychology, because the metaphors of these stories contain human truths that are passed down from generation to generation. We distinguish five types of “girls” from fairy tales.
Pay attention, because in some of them you can recognize yourself.
Daughter from “The Scarlet Flower”
The merchant’s daughter from The Scarlet Flower loves the monster and expects it to turn into a Prince – either the married lover will get divorced, or the free but unsuitable man will “correct” – more precisely, she will correct him with her love.
I am sure that the Prince will come and disenchant her. In other words, that a man will captivate, conquer, prove that he is worthy of her love – then the princess will “awake”.
She walks the world all so kind and sublime and waits for Him to love and warm her, but instead she comes across either stingy “moles”, or “May bugs” who humiliate her, or outright scammers and manipulators.
She walks through life gloomy, prickly and impregnable. She hopes that the man will warm her up, open her up and generally please her.
Gerda from The Snow Queen
She seeks and loves the one who does not love her – inaccessible and cold men – and then suffers that she freezes with them.
What is the difference between a girl and a woman
Girls are distinguished by a passive position, she is always a “victim” of the circumstances offered by someone. And yet – an asymmetrical attitude towards a man. He is either a child, just like her, only less in age. And this child needs to be saved, searched, looked after. Or a “monster” that frightens, but at the same time captivates with its danger. You can fight or play with a monster, but you cannot live and be in a happy relationship.
Of course, when you yourself are not included in the category of a Woman, then men are either lower or higher.
As for behavioral manifestations, uninitiated women:
- use the word “girl” in relation to themselves,
- various diminutive suffixes,
- play with their age.
And also very angry! But since “anger” and “girl” are very incompatible concepts, they hide this anger in passive-aggressive behavior.
It is clear that with such introductions there can be no happiness in personal life, because paired relationships are for adults. For mental adults. Why?
Why can’t a “girl” be happy with a “boy”?
Yes, because her whole childhood is tuned to receive – love, information, care, experience, help, support from adults. On this, the child builds up strength and forms the ability to give, becoming an adult.
Two “children” in a relationship will want, wait, demand bestowal from each other. But none of them are really capable of this return. Children want to receive, and adult relationships are about exchange.
You may ask: what about the heroine of the Scarlet Flower, the mistress, what is waiting for a divorce from a married man, when he is “disenchanted”, released, the evil sorceress-wife? She gives him her love, youth and body.
In fact, she gets from him the opportunity to support her fairy tale, which means she postpones the need for her own initiation!
Can a “girl” be happy with a “dad”?
The male father is older. Of course, you can live with him, and even receive pleasant bonuses from this in the form of care, guardianship, protection. But to live life in someone’s cozy bosom and never meet your femininity? The outlook is so-so, in my opinion.
There are also interesting couples – they, as a rule, do not go to a psychologist, but live comfortably without. It is easy to notice them, because both have somehow destroyed both femininity and masculinity in themselves. More precisely, from a girl and a boy they immediately turned into a formless “Something”.
These are pairs in which both are so unkempt, neglected, and also fat that it is difficult to make out who is who – two “gray” stockings or two old shoes.
What to do with all this?
First, remember your favorite childhood story. Think about how close the image of the main character is to you now. Then go to a psychologist. But work with him not about men, but about yourself!
Because all psychotherapy is about yourself, and not about other people. Until you learn to be in equal, harmonious, warm relations with yourself, it will not work with other people!
Read more interesting things about relationships, love and sex on the Lisa website.