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1. Give your partner freedom
Of course, in this formulation, the habit looks quite neutral to itself. Although such a description may excite someone’s minds. However, in practice, observers often perceive trust in a partner as indifference and disinterest.
For example, a girl got out with her friends in a bar. And to her, and to her partner, others may have questions: how did he let her go? Isn’t he afraid that she will certainly cheat on him? The very wording “let go” here looks rather silly: an adult person does not need to ask anyone for time off to go somewhere. Warn – yes. It is also not necessary to always know what the partner is wearing, where he is at a particular moment, what he ate, and so on.
There is no love and care in total jealousy and constant control, there is nothing to admire here. They contain anxiety, low self-esteem and a desire to control someone else’s life. And both suffer as a result.
2. Spending time apart
It is naive to expect that partners who some time ago were strangers will suddenly turn into one organism with common interests and desires. One likes cosplay festivals, and the other likes fishing. One wants to go to the movies on the weekend, and the other wants to go to a puppy show. We can say that in such cases it is always worth negotiating: today the couple follows the desires of one, tomorrow – the other. But from time to time you can separate and do something separately. Everyone will be satisfied, there will be something to talk about in the evening.
Here, of course, the voice of connoisseurs of braces is heard in the background. How is it, they ask, the couple should spend time together! This is true, but much more important is not how much time people spend on each other, but how effectively. Partners can, for example, spend the whole weekend in neighboring chairs, each buried in their phone, because they could not come to a compromise. Does this count as time spent together? Doubtful.
Another factor that usually interferes here is the same jealousy. But here we can only return to the previous point. Constant suspicions will not make the partner more faithful – they will only exhaust both.
3. Put up with the shortcomings of a partner
A popular idea is that people in a couple should certainly make each other better, grow above themselves. Dozens of women’s trainings are devoted to how to inspire a man to become richer, smarter, stronger and taller. Dozens of men talk about how to “educate a wife.”
It is difficult to call such an approach healthy. The man supposedly believes that he has found a talking log, and is trying to cut Pinocchio out of it. That is, in fact, it deprives him of subjectivity, the right to be as he is. We build relationships not with a blank, but with a full-fledged person. He does not need to carve out new legs and fingers, he already has everything.
In addition, the shortcomings of a partner are not a universal matter. What is not pleasant to one, is pleasant to another. So it’s worth recognizing that if we want to change a person, we don’t care about making him better. We’re trying to fit it in. Doesn’t sound great anymore, does it?
Moreover, all qualities are usually supplied as a kit. There is a great risk that, having got rid of the shortcomings, the partner will also lose the virtues that attracted you. So let it be the way you like it.
4. Hold boundaries
Personal boundaries allow us to feel psychologically comfortable. This is a kind of set of rules that help you determine for yourself and explain to others how you can and cannot be with you.
In relationships, they do not magically appear, because the partner cannot know by default where your boundaries lie. For example, one person does not see anything wrong with reading other people’s correspondence and can give up his phone at any time, but he is dissatisfied when his portion of food disappears from the refrigerator. For others, it may be the other way around.
Discomfort is not leveled by the phrase “we are now one family, we can endure.” It is quite difficult to feel calm and safe when your boundaries are constantly being pushed through. So a person who has already once explained in words what things he does not like in relation to him has the right to be angry. This does not make him a hysteric who arranges quarrels from scratch. At the same time, there is nothing charming in doing something to spite a partner, and then being touched by how he is furious “over some nonsense.”
Setting and maintaining boundaries can be tricky. But if partners learn to voice their desires and respect others, the relationship will be much happier than where they are used to enduring and bending.
5. Put yourself first
In a distant kingdom, in a distant state, one person completely forgot about himself and devoted himself to his family without a trace. And from this he felt absolutely happy, he did not reproach anyone for spending the best years of his life on his household, and did not expect them to return the favor to him. But this is a fairy tale, of course.
It is important to immediately clarify the difference between “think about yourself” and “think only about yourself.” In the second case, building a normal relationship is unlikely to work. If one person constantly pulls the blanket over himself, the other will be forced to put up with it forever and please, which he is unlikely to like.
But rational selfishness is necessary for building healthy relationships. It just allows you not to go to extremes: somewhere to adapt, somewhere to look for compromises, and somewhere to stand still and not allow the situation to develop against your own interests. Life is long, relationships can be much shorter. So it’s best not to invest your whole self in them.
6. Check current relationship status
There are many folk wisdoms like “if you start to doubt whether a partner is right for you, it’s time to leave, he is not for you.” Because if you admit the thought that not only death can separate you, then this is the collapse of everything. Wherever the relationship leads, you must hold on to the last.
Although in fact it’s good to sometimes emerge from the routine and look at the interaction with a partner with a fresh look. Do you like everything in your relationship? Do they lead there? How have you changed with your partner and do you still agree with him on key issues?
The answers are not necessarily upsetting. It is likely that you will note with satisfaction that your relationship is still great – even better than you imagined. Or you can find some kind of crack before it turns into a tragic fracture, and fix everything (at least put a beacon).
If you let everything take its course, there is a risk of one day discovering that the relationship ended long ago – you just didn’t understand it.