There are things that are considered axioms. They are taken on faith, without bothering to look for evidence. For example, there is a common stereotype that women love bad guys. It is enough for such a man to look at a girl, and she will collapse into his arms – just like in a movie.
This is a pretty bad idea. To understand why, you can look at men’s forums (although who are we lying to, pickup resources) and see hundreds of complaints: “I love a girl, but she chose another. It’s because they like the bad guys and I’m the good one.” Well, then we have a huge comment thread with recommendations on how to get worse. The advisers boast that this tactic did not fail them. True, one-time sex is usually cited as evidence, and not long-term harmonious relationships, but this is a topic for another conversation.
And we’ll get back to the good guys. Of course, it is convenient for any rejected person to assume that he was told no, because he is overly positive. This is much easier than digging into yourself and understanding the nuances. And they are.
It is not clear what is a good guy and what is a bad guy
The categories of “good” and “bad” in relation to people are generally something from the teenage perception of the world. In ancient Egyptian mythology, after the death of a person, the god Anubis weighed his heart and determined which deeds would outweigh – positive or negative – and so decided what the person being evaluated was. As long as a person is alive, it is too early to label him.
Of course, there are red flags in behavior that eloquently say that you need to stay away from the guy. But in general, it is difficult to unequivocally assess someone. If he kicked a dog yesterday, and today he led a blind man across the road, is he good or bad? Or, say, the behavior of a person who is in a relationship but has sex with someone else is more likely to be assessed as negative. And if he is polyamorous and he and his partner both agree to this?
Many qualities are difficult to label in principle, and this is especially true of relationships. What is unacceptable for one is very attractive for another. In general, a harmonious union is not at all the communication of two good people. This is the interaction of partners, suitable for each other.
It is not known if a good guy is really good
In the “women love bad guys and reject good guys” scheme, it is not clear who decided that this one is good and the other is not so good. If a girl says: “You’re great, but we can’t be together,” it means absolutely nothing. Few people after “Let’s be friends” really decide to be friends. And the words “It’s not about you, but about me” will not deceive anyone.
When it is said that someone was rejected because they are too good, we take it for granted. What is normal: a person is already suffering, he needs support. Immediately after the refusal, it is hardly worth finding out if he did something wrong. But we hardly literally mean that he is too good to build a relationship with him. Because the strict categorization of people is a fiction, we have already found out.
But the loud statements of a person that he is very cool and that is why he was rejected already arouses suspicion and a desire to understand his actions. And it often turns out that the point is not at all in his exceptional ideality, but in one of the following things.
Goodness is often a strategy
The “too good” guys who resent the fact that women love the bad guys often do things they approve of in an attempt to get something in return. Gratitude, love, kindness, sex. That is, in his head it is a deal, an exchange: I try, but you owe me something for this. But only barter is possible when both participants have agreed on the conditions in advance. If the second person has no idea about this, then you can be offended as much as you like, that he made efforts, but did not receive anything for it.
Really cool guys (if we’re going to categorize people) don’t do good things because they’re hoping for a reward. This is their normal behavior, they cannot do otherwise. But they don’t have questions why he “opened the door for her, but she didn’t jump into bed”. After all, they hold the door for everyone in a row if someone needs it, and not just for sex.
If being good is a strategy, a choice, and not a natural human behavior, this is often read. People love different, but not insincere.
“Good” is often a euphemism for “boring”
It is difficult to imagine a situation when a woman says to her friends: “Vasya got his doctorate at the age of 24, he skydives, he knows where the best parties are, and my parents immediately liked him. No, nothing will work. He’s too good.” Rather, it will be a speech like this: “Vasya does not like clubs, because“ only outcasts go there. And in general on Friday you should go to bed no later than ten. The regime cannot be violated, because he spends all weekends with his mother. He’s so good, but we can’t do anything.”
Just look at how they usually decipher what a “good guy” is – he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t beat, he doesn’t cheat. All definitions through “not”. It seems that being positive is easy, for this it is enough not to do anything egregiously bad. True, this is not enough to be interesting, and for any gender.
Relationships are no longer something that is necessary for survival, they exist for mutual pleasure. Few people want to have them with a person whose all characteristics relate to what he does not do. And what is he good at? Intelligence, charisma, sense of humor? Well, at least something?
“Goodness” is a reason for a white coat
Labeling is bad, but the problem with “good” guys (not to be confused with good guys without quotes) is that they do it masterfully. They assign themselves to the role of positive characters, but this is not the worst thing. It is much worse that such a man clearly knows what a decent woman should be. And he will obsessively voice it, throwing on a dazzling white coat – he can afford it, because he considers himself to be standard beautiful.
He will tell you what to do and what not to do, where to go and where not to go. Prevent communication with girlfriends, because they will teach bad things. Prohibit parties, because this is an occupation for prostitutes, and normal girls sit at home and cook borscht. He may not speak directly. But it may well cover all this. Only now to manipulate and follow every step is a trait of abusers, not good people.
At the same time, he himself will never improve his behavior – after all, he is already beautiful and this is what he considers a problem.
It’s not clear why the bad guy is bad
We have already dealt with the fact that labeling is unhealthy. Nevertheless, let’s figure it out: what is bad? Here is Damiano David from the Måneskin group, who blew the head off girls, girls, grandmothers all over the world – he has the type of a clearly bad guy. But what he does: dresses provocatively, puts on makeup, supports LGBT and femdom, is in a long-term relationship. And even his drug test turned out to be negative. Terrible, terrible man!
It’s quite easy to turn out to be bad, it’s enough to stand out at least with something. When you appoint yourself as a great guy, of course, all rivals are disgusting people. But the fact is that some qualities that are attributed to bad ones are in fact very lacking in “good” ones. For example, such.
Ability to talk about your needs
There are a lot of stories about how a “good” boy writes: “I followed her for six months, and nothing. And Vasya said that she was sexy and he would have slept with her, and she left with him. Girls love bad guys.” But maybe women just like those who know how to formulate what they generally need? Vasya wanted sex, she wanted sex – the perfect match.
And this applies to all situations. When a person voices his desires, it is easy to deal with him. No need to play a guessing game, and then listen to claims for the lack of telepathy skills. All the cards are already on the table, and you can decide what to do with them.
Tendency to break the rules
Good does not mean conforming. Sometimes rebellion against the rules and generally accepted norms is just the way to show your best side. It just matters what it’s about.
Robbery and cheating are definitely breaking the rules. But protesting against the demolition of a historic building or supporting LGBT people is also a good idea. And these are things with different colors. Moreover, in the case of, for example, bullying, it is often vital for the victim that someone finds the strength not to join the crowd and take her side.
The ability to be against everyone, against the generally accepted, if it is necessary for something good, is a superpower that attracts.
Striving to look good
Maybe appearance is not the main thing – but important. But the “good” guy thinks about the inner content – why does he need a second pair of jeans and wash every day? (However, often a girl owes him endlessly, including looking beautiful.)
Willingness to experiment in sex
A “good” boy has many attitudes, stereotypes and rules that make it difficult to be open to new things. After all, he still knows how a decent woman should behave – not at all like a person who enjoys sex.
Success in your business
“Good” boys love to accuse women of commercialism and know a million excuses why achievement is bad. Surely held people went over their heads. And in general, these are connections and blat, but they themselves do not represent anything.
But in fact, it is attractive when a person is passionate about something and successful in it. It is not necessary to earn millions, but it is desirable to understand who you are and what you do. They are drawn to the fire, and for this it is necessary to burn with something.
No one is looking for a bad person as a partner on purpose.
People often find themselves in a relationship with someone who makes them unhappy. Partners are not necessarily bad, it is enough to be inappropriate – we have already decided on this. But even if there is a person who is bad in all dimensions, few people are looking for a disgusting couple purposefully. It is hard to imagine that a girl in her childhood dreams of meeting a prince and being able to apply a bag of ice cream peas to a bruise under her eye and wipe his vomit when he comes home drunk and in someone else’s lipstick.
Women choose men who in the moment seem good to them. And then how lucky. Someone may continue to consider a partner the best on the planet. Someone breaks the connection with the thought: “Yeah, but it seemed so cool.” Misconceptions are possible from the series “He behaved badly with everyone, but with me it was completely different, my love will change him.” But even in this case, it is obvious that the girl is not looking for someone disgusting. She simply believes that a beautiful man is hiding in the shell of the Beast, who needs to be disenchanted. (Spoiler: it doesn’t work.)
Goodness does not give the right to obligatory love
Anything can happen, so we have to discuss one more situation. Let’s say our hero is a really good guy: smart, kind, responsible, ambitious, capable of adequate behavior in various situations, understanding his needs and emotions, and so on. But still, the girls fell in love with him. Not even girls, but one – the one that I wanted. It happens. And the opponent is much worse than him, and maybe even a notorious scoundrel.
But, most likely, he was rejected not because he was too cool. But because even exceptional qualities do not guarantee love. There is no manual “Do it like this, and you will be loved”, no matter what the information gypsies are trying to sell. Sincere feelings cannot be earned.
The chosen person can sympathize with another for a million reasons. It’s not about you, it’s about him. (And now it’s time to get back to where we started.) Not because he’s good or bad. And because at this moment it seems suitable. But a suitable partner is also waiting for you somewhere.
