According to research1% of the world’s population is asexual. These are people who do not experience sexual attraction or it is expressed too weakly in them.

The reason for this is not low libido or mental problems: asexuality is not included in the International Classification of Diseases. Such people can also get excited and make love, but this area of ​​\u200b\u200blife is not a priority for them.

We spoke with the two characters about the stigma they face, the relationships they are in, and their plans for family and children.

“You just didn’t have a normal man, so you’re thinking to yourself”

Emma

23 years old. Asexual. The name has been changed at the request of the heroine.

For a long time it seemed to me that I was developing more slowly than others. I was practically not interested in sex, flirting, romance. While my girlfriends discussed the first porn and 18+ fanfiction they watched in their lives, I pretended that I was also in the subject, although I was uncomfortable with these conversations.

In the 10th grade, a boy moved to our school, who seemed very interesting to me. We had very similar interests – music, video games, cinema – and at some point I realized that I fell in love – it’s a myth that asexuals don’t do this.

He also liked me, and after a couple of months we officially started dating. At the thought of sexual intimacy with this guy, I felt uneasy. For some reason I just didn’t want it. Once she confessed this to her friend, but she laughed and said: “Yes, you are just notorious. You need to watch more porn.”

I thought that something was really wrong with me, and decided to “expand my horizons.” The next day I managed to watch two videos. It was strange to imagine that they would do the same to my body. And I also didn’t understand how people who practically don’t know each other can do this.

It seemed to me that sex is a surgical operation. Not the most pleasant thing to do. And it can only be carried out by someone you really trust.

Moreover, I liked to communicate with my boyfriend, play on the Web, spend time together. But when it came to sexual activities, I tried to switch his attention to something else.

Sometimes I said that kissing seemed meaningless to me. But he attributed this to the fact that I was “not like other girls.”

However, one day he asked me directly: “What’s wrong? Am I not attracted to you? I burst into tears, said that I was not ready yet. And then she offered to leave. It was very painful, because I realized that I love him. In doing so, I thought I would make things better for everyone.

Six months later, after moving to another city and letting go of the situation a bit, I began to figure out why I could have such a reaction. Then for the first time I honestly asked myself: “Do I even want to have sex with anyone at all?” It seemed not.

At the same time, according to the analyzes, I was absolutely healthy. Violent actions were not committed against me either.

My reluctance to have sex was not the result of psychological trauma or illness.

And in one of the articles I came across the concept of asexuality. Then everything became much clearer to me. However, the thought was itching in my head: “You just didn’t have a normal man, so you are thinking to yourself.” But soon he appeared.

What does my relationship look like?

At university, I met my current partner. At first, our relationship developed as a friendship. But then we felt great sympathy for each other.

When we started dating, he already knew that I suspected asexuality. I decided that it would be more correct to warn in advance so that later no one would be offended. He treated it with understanding.

Everything was turning out great. We went on dates, stayed with each other for the night … Really just slept! He didn’t insist on sex. But at some point, I myself offered to do it. I wanted to do something nice.

It was exciting. I felt like I was taking an exam—as if my reaction now would determine my sexual identity for the rest of my life. I had to drink a couple of glasses of wine to relax. But my partner was very sensitive and gentle. All the time he asked me how you can interact with me, and how not.

However, neither during the process, nor after, I did not understand what everyone finds in this. I felt strange: a little empty, tired, but not sad. It felt like I gave the guy a massage.

It’s a myth that we don’t have intimacy. It happens. She’s just not that important.

Personal qualities of a person, his style of thinking, life guidelines, hobbies seem much more valuable to me. Many sex-normative people find it difficult to imagine what it is like to love without lust. And here it is strange to me not to separate these two concepts.

There are asexuals who do not even accept hugs. I am not one of them. So now we sometimes have sex, but not often. My boyfriend understands very well: between passionate somersaults in bed and watching a movie in it, I would choose the latter.

Therefore, he has a lot of intimate toys and, of course, I have nothing against watching porn with him. Also, I can please him with more than just penetration. All this has a place in our relations. And we have fights too! But they are not related to my situation.

How does my family feel about my asexuality?

The parents don’t know anything. We are not very close to them. I think if I told them, they would react something like this: “Oh, they invented it! Also tell me that you like girls!”

The only spiritually close person in my family is my younger sister. But she’s still too small. I think I’ll tell her later if the opportunity presents itself.

How I look at the possibility of having children

I would like this, but not before the age of 30. It’s hard for me to imagine being pregnant though. If I need it, it won’t be a problem for me to have sex. But the pregnancy itself still scares me. Perhaps I will take the child from the orphanage.

“When will you find a good girl and have a baby?”

Michael

26 years. Asexual.

For a long time, I simply did not acknowledge my asexuality. My friends bragged about sex adventures, and I wanted to keep up with them, so sometimes I also came up with grandiose stories.

In general, a heteronormative society … I would not say that in general it is sharply negative towards people of a different sexual spectrum – it is simply indifferent. I have not seen a single normal series where the main character would be asexual. It seems to me that people are simply not interested in watching about something that is not related to them, not like them.

While reading a book or watching a movie, everyone wants to shout: “Oh, it’s me!” And if the character is asexual, they just don’t have the guts to do it.

For a long time I did not tell anyone about my thoughts and feelings. Yes, I had experience with girls, but I was not impressed. When I confessed this to my best friend, he asked apprehensively, “Do you think you…” “Gay? I finished for him. “No, I’m definitely not interested in men.”

I didn’t seem to be interested in anyone sexually. I liked the girls I knew and, probably, I fell in love with them, but I did not take active steps.

What does my relationship look like?

At the age of 19, I met Zhanna (name changed. – Approx. ed.). She had a punchy character, she herself came up and offered me to order a cocktail. Several times she hinted at the fact that “to go to you or to me.” But I understood what that meant, and I wasn’t particularly excited about the idea of ​​sleeping with a girl I didn’t know. Therefore, I told her that she, of course, is cool, but I want to leave the bar alone.

This, however, did not put her off. We started talking. Every time she tried to do something romantic, I stopped her. She thought it was because I was a cynical medical student. However, in the end, sometimes I still had to endure the things that are typical of ordinary relationships: candlelit dinners, sex, cute nicknames.

I’m not sure I loved Jeanne. Maybe I just didn’t want to stand out among my peers. She must have felt it. Therefore, six months later, we had a serious conversation with her. She asked me what was wrong with her, why I was not interested in her, how we could work together on a relationship.

And then I realized that I don’t want to work on relationships at all. We broke up. After that, I didn’t have any romance with anyone. Moving away from that situation, I began to think more and more about my orientation and identity. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m most likely asexual. Which, in principle, is not a problem for me. And given that I want to be a doctor, it’s even convenient.

Asexuality is just something a little uncomfortable. Like an allergy to buckwheatin world.

However, I still continue to watch myself. Perhaps in a year or in 10 years I realize myself somehow differently.

How does my family feel about my asexuality?

My mother is 61 years old. Of course, I did not discuss such matters with her. It seems to me that she even sees gays as mythical creatures that do not exist in reality – something like unicorns. Therefore, it is unlikely that she would understand me if I told her everything.

The only stumbling block in our communication is talking about children. Mom constantly asks: “When will you find a good girl and have a baby?” So far, I’ve managed to get away from this topic with the excuse that I’m a doctor. And doctors, in principle, begin human life later: later they graduate from the university, later they start a family. But I’m afraid that soon this excuse will cease to be relevant.

How I look at the possibility of having children

I think I’m childfree. But it has nothing to do with my asexuality. It’s just that having children seems tiresome to me. And yes, I am glad that, unlike girls, I, thank God, will not have to give birth. Raising a child is a very serious step for which I am not yet ready.