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1. Be around
There may be a deceptive feeling that a person who is in trouble, everyone is eager to help. But often everything happens the other way around, many at this moment distance themselves. This does not make them terrible – rather, ordinary people who react differently to the situation. Firstly, some simply cannot cope with their own emotions and not crumble from someone else’s misfortune. Secondly, supporting a person requires a certain amount of courage. While he goes through the stages of mourning, he can complain a lot, get angry – be extremely destructive. (Which doesn’t make it terrible either.)
If you have the strength and willingness to support someone, make it clear that you are there and will lend a helping hand at any time in various matters. It is not necessary to be around 24/7, especially since a person may want to be left alone. But at the same time, try to respond promptly to calls and messages, respond to requests. Remind yourself periodically so that a friend does not decide that your words were just politeness.
2. Offer specific help
The willingness to make a person’s life a little easier can be expressed in many ways. For example, ask: “How can I help you?” This is logical, because who else but he knows what he needs.
But there is a moment: giving people tasks is a managerial job for which a person may not have the strength. It happens that he is so absorbed in grief or devastated that right now he cannot assess the situation as a whole and calculate actions a few steps ahead. And you are probably capable of it. So be more specific, like, “Let me call the canteens and find out where we can organize a wake.” At the same time, it is important not to impose help, but to offer it so that there is an opportunity to refuse.
3. Help with everyday life
In a difficult situation, a person often does not have the strength for simple actions. For example, he may not eat anything at all for a long time, because he needs to cook something. If he tends to eat problems, he will certainly absorb not the most useful products. Of course, he will not die of hunger, but, most likely, he will begin to feel worse. Therefore, it is good to follow this component of his life. Perhaps the soup and cutlets will not heal the wound in the soul. But make the process a little easier.
The same is true for other household areas. Washing the floor, buying shampoo, throwing out the garbage – there is little heroic in these actions, but they are very important.
Allowing a person to share their feelings and thoughts is a very difficult way to support. Because it seems that you need to somehow react, advise something, somehow give support. But this is often just not required. Just letting a person speak out – without judgment, without evaluation – is already a lot.
5. Help financially
It’s simple, money solves a lot of problems. Perhaps, in this case, they will help a person in trouble. For example, they will allow you to buy the right medicine.
6. Don’t make suffering worse
Being close to someone else’s misfortune, it is not always easy to control oneself. Works own psychological protection. For example, if someone has become a victim of a crime, you immediately want to blame him for it. If you believe that it was he who behaved incorrectly, then it is easier to convince yourself that this will never happen to you. But this has nothing to do with the situation. It’s not easy for a person, it’s not worth complicating it.
Don’t discount grief
It seems that thanks to this, a person will understand that he is suffering in vain, and his life will improve. But it’s not. He won’t grieve any less because his mom is 80 and has “lived long enough” and his baby “wasn’t even born” because of a miscarriage. For him, this is a tragedy, he can experience it.
Don’t give retrospective advice or judgments
You can lament as much as you like “if only he had gone to the doctor earlier”, “if she had turned off the stove before leaving”, “if she hadn’t put on a short skirt, nothing would have happened.” Only it does not change anything and does not make life easier for a person.
Do not put your anxiety above the grief of another
When a loved one is in trouble, it is logical to worry about him very much. The main thing is in trying to help not to confuse who really needs assistance. Otherwise, there is a risk of switching places, and he will already console you so that you do not worry too much, hide information, and so on.
Don’t blame the person for grieving the wrong way
Some believe that if you do everything right, it can become easier. Moreover, this often concerns a certain set of ritual actions that are not the same in different cultures. That is, they have little practical meaning. And there is no right way to cope with grief, everyone is individual.
7. Make it clear to the person that his life goes on
This is the case when it is worth helping by deed, not by word. You can say as much as you like that you need to live on, although this will not make it easier. Especially if at the same time we ourselves live on, and a person is allowed to stew in his own grief.
Obviously, someone in trouble cannot pretend that nothing happened. But on this basis, it is not necessary to exclude him from the routine. For example, if you used to go to the movies every second Saturday, invite him to go see a movie. He can refuse or agree. It is much worse if you continue to do everything that you did before, but without it.