One of the main questions for a psychologist is “How to live right?” As a rule, people who ask such a question come in a state of despair or with one foot depressed. But instead of simple and understandable advice or instructions for life, a person remains in therapy for a long time. decided not to despair and ask the same question psychologist, author of the method “So-I-Yes-therapy” Alexander Nekrasov – maybe there is a short answer?
There is no short answer, because behind large-scale doubts there is always a deep distortion of understanding oneself as a person. If a person has decided to embark on a long process of processing that will lead to a feeling of fulfillment and quality in life, he will have to do a lot of hard work in rethinking his way of making choices. But first you need to understand the reasons why a person has doubts about the correctness of his path. The first thing you can do is ask yourself: “How did I understand that I live not like this? On the basis of what I came to the conclusion that it is time to look for information about how to live, what is my purpose and who I am? Then ask yourself the second question: “Does it always touch and excite me when others have something (money, housing, relationships, children, friends), but I don’t?” The answers to these questions will help to see exactly how doubts arose and how objective they are, and not imposed from outside. If this is someone else’s opinion and a momentary doubt that has not taken root deeply, then it is quite easily thrown aside.
People ask the same question when they fall into a state of impotence: they have no strength and no interest in anything. It’s like a burnout. Although some time ago they felt filled with the desire to do something and strive for something.
All of the above should not be ignored and left to chance. In such situations, as a rule, the help of a psychologist is needed. Since a person is already quite confused, and in order to unravel this tangle, an unbiased look from the outside is needed at the beginning of history, that is, in childhood.
How do we learn to live someone else’s life?
If you carefully look at how doubtful or depressed people behave, you can see the operation of the same psychological process that children are accustomed to from an early age. It can be called “ignoring oneself, one’s desires and needs.” It is this pattern of behavior that leads to the fact that a person does not do what he really wants and, despite an active life position, comes to disappointment and devastation.
Watching children, you can see that they always want something, they are interested in something and they have energy. They do not have such problems as adults: where to get strength and what to do. He wanted, stretched, took something, went somewhere, ate something, went again, wanted something again. The child knows what he wants and immediately does. He has no questions: am I doing right or wrong? Is this my purpose or something else? Children have no problem finding themselves.
It turns out that a person is born with a complete understanding of how to live and what to do. However, in the process of socialization and upbringing and when interacting with the external environment (parents, siblings, educators, teachers, neighbors, and so on), he receives signals: DON’T CLIMB, DANGEROUS, SO UGLY. On the one hand, it helps the child to adapt to the environment and learn to bypass the real danger in the form of sockets or the road. On the other hand, if these signals are larger, more frequent and louder and are directed at the child and his behavior: YOU DID NOT THIS, YOU ARE NOT LIKE THESE, YOU DO NOT LIVE LIKE THIS, YOU DO NOT NEED TO WANT IT, then at some point the human psyche is locked in these messages. The importance of what is interesting to the child is reduced and depreciated, and the focus of attention is shifted to what is interesting to adults. The living energy of behavior is replaced by the fact that a person begins to behave “well” and be comfortable for mom, dad, grandmother, school, work. In order to fit the environment as much as possible, you need to suppress your impulses related to interest and your own needs as best as possible.
Consequences of parental prohibitions
As a result, by the age of 50, 40, or even 20, a person is faced with the fact that he does not know how to live on and where to move. The reason for such difficulties is that the mechanism of suppressing one’s own “I” has been brought to perfection, and a person rests on his own internal limitations. He stopped feeling his desires and needs. Incorrectly made decisions accumulate like a snowball, and one day they manifest as internal doubts, which are accompanied by quite painful sensations: guilt, shame, resentment, envy, heartache, disappointment or apathy, meaninglessness, and others. Through this process, the core of the personality and the deep meaning of life are lost. As a result, there are problems with understanding oneself, one’s desires, psychosomatics and various diseases arise.
How to live right?
If a person is looking for an answer outside, this suggests that in childhood he was taught to adapt to others. Now you need to relearn: stop stopping yourself and live based on your own needs. To do this, you will have to break through the barrier of values introduced by relatives, society and prioritize your own needs. It often seems to a person that he needs something, but in fact he does not. Those ideas, needs, values that are introduced by parents or society, as a rule, do not fill. A person finds himself in a situation where he does something, achieves something, but this does not fill him, he still does – and again there is emptiness, he again needs to achieve something. Its energy is expended, but not multiplied.
It is important to start questioning the importance of everything that does not bring joy. At first, doing this work on your own is very difficult, because it turns out that everything that is correct and approved by relatives and society does not bring any pleasure. What pleases and fills is often not supported even by the closest people. Without support, it is sometimes impossible to break through the veil of shame for your true desires, and without it it is impossible to live your life.