“The main thing is to marry yourself, and then I will redo it.” This is a common story about women who care about getting married. It doesn’t matter how she feels about a man or who he is. She sees the goal and sees no obstacles. There is another beginning of a relationship, when a woman falls in love and sincerely chooses a partner, but at some point, unexpectedly for herself, she begins to be ashamed of her man, make claims to him, freak out. Dissatisfaction and irritation are aggravated after meeting with friends, mother or other people. spoke with Gestalt therapist Alla Bazhanto understand why a woman’s attitude towards a man changes dramatically and she begins to cut him.
Despite a large amount of different information, including how to choose a man and what criteria he must meet, a woman is driven by libido. And it, as you know, defies logic and social norms. This is the main conflict, which leads to the fact that a woman begins to be ashamed of her man and tries to remake him. She does not break off relations because she loves, but the social standard, which sounds not only in her head, but is often pronounced through the lips of loved ones, erodes respect for her partner drop by drop.
What should be a man?
Tall, smart, well-mannered, educated, you should not be ashamed next to him. It is also worth adding a good salary, car, own housing. It is not enough that a woman has feelings for a man. A man must be approved by “society” or mom. God forbid, a woman foolishly fell in love with a plump, short man and he is not Denis de Vito, but she herself is tall, slender, smart and pulls on a model – this does not fit into the generally accepted picture of today’s world.
This is not the situation today. Since ancient times, a woman has been judged by whether she has a man and how good he is. Until now, many women envy others when their partners give them expensive gifts. This is perceived in such a way that the woman is somehow special and it was she who inspired him to act. If a man does not make a broad gesture, then something is wrong with the woman. The behavior and appearance of a man, not approved by society, automatically reduces the value of a woman.
Why do women believe other people’s words?
One judgmental glance from society can easily destroy a woman’s sincere warm feeling for her man. This is due to the fact that the habitual pattern of behavior of many women can be described as follows: “What I was told, I do!” Since childhood, the girl did not have freedom of choice in the family. Nobody asked her: “What do you want?”, “What do you like?”, “What do you think?”, “Will you be this candy or this one?” This is a kind of authoritarian way of upbringing: eggs don’t teach chicken, and parents know better. Or adults were focused on survival and they simply did not have the time or energy to be interested in the desire of the child. Well-fed, dressed, learned, what else do you need?! Accordingly, the girl grows up with the full feeling that adults know and understand better than she herself does. Mom said it’s time to get married – she got married. The society said that a man is not suitable for her, so he is not suitable. In order not to break off relations, the only thing left for a woman is to remake a man under the “standard” of her environment.
You are such a beauty! You deserve the best!
When someone evaluates a woman and her man, he shows hidden passive aggression, envy and disrespect for the choice and feelings of a person. Unfortunately, many women have not been taught to listen to their feelings and answer: “This is my choice and I am guided by it”, instead they begin to make claims to their chosen one in order to earn the approval of their parents, girlfriends or society.
We all live in a society and are more or less dependent on the opinions of others. Nevertheless, I would like to wish women to learn how to protect personal boundaries: what, how and to whom you can tell and what you can’t. To do this, you will have to trust your feelings: “I feel good with him,” and deal with a total sense of shame: “How do I look next to him? How do others rate me? What will people say? What if they stop talking to me?
If a man is not a prince?
When a woman realizes that the wrong man is next to her, she says: “You are not my man,” gets up and leaves. If there is an aggressive desire to change another person, this is already the problem of the one who came up with this idea. This needs to be dealt with on your own. Dressing up a man will not be enough. There will always be something else to be ashamed of.
It should be noted that the constant feeling of shame in one of the partners destroys contact and relationships. If a woman is ashamed of her man all the time, she unconsciously shows or tells him that something is wrong with him, pushes him away, gets angry with him. Her attitude and attitude towards him change. But in fact, she is not ashamed of a man, but of herself and her choice, which society condemns: “Fool! I went to the store for a branded item, and bought consumer goods at a luxury price!
Why do we evaluate other people is a separate big question that everyone can try to answer for themselves. Most likely we do this out of some kind of our own shame and pain. However, it is worth remembering that just sincerely spoken words to a friend or daughter: “You are so cool! What did you choose? He doesn’t suit you!” can ruin the life of your loved one. If you really want to say something, then try it differently: “I see that you feel good with him and you glow with happiness.” A woman will understand that she has the right to her own choice.