It is especially important for children to hear words of support and approval. But often parents, without knowing it, use toxic phrases in communication with them that can break the child and negatively affect his future life. Psychologist Evgenia Pogudina tells you exactly what words should be missing when you communicate with your children.
1. Who needs you like that (who needs you like that)?
These words not only undermine the child’s faith in himself, but destroy his self-esteem. In adult life, children who regularly hear something like this in their address are not inclined to make an informed choice. They just don’t know how to do it.
Their feelings, actions, and in general existence are so devalued that they can only agree with what is offered to them, even if this is not the best option for them.
Using this phrase, parents give the following message: something is wrong with you, you are somehow not like that. Growing up, children consider themselves unnecessary and worthless.
2. I am at your age …
Comparing a child with himself not in his favor, parents inflict a severe blow on children’s self-esteem, devaluing the life that their heir now has.
But what’s wrong with the fact that today children can remain children for a long time, enjoy their childhood and not worry about how to feed their families, earn a living?
Comparison is not only useless, but also dangerous! The child begins to feel not good enough, not up to his own parents. Some even enter into a lifelong race with them.
3. Don’t spoil yourself!
Many people don’t know how to take care of themselves. They often neglect bad health, hunger, cold and other needs. They easily overcome and do not even notice various “inconveniences” in relation to themselves, because the main thing for them is to take care of others!
Parents, devaluing the desires of the child, teach him to pay attention to others, but not to himself. Such people become deaf and blind to themselves, their own desires and their needs.
4. If not for you, I …
Another toxic phrase used by parents. If not for you, then I would: get married again, graduate from university, get a dream job, move to another country and further down the list.
With this message, parents make it clear that the child has ruined their lives. Although in fact he did nothing bad to anyone, he was just born.
From here originates the most dangerous feeling – a sense of guilt for one’s own life, for one’s existence. People who regularly heard this phrase as children live with a sense of an overwhelming debt that they can never repay their parents.
But life is not a duty, but a gift that a child receives from mom and dad.
5. Here you will marry successfully (get married), and then we will live!
With this phrase, parents shift the responsibility to the still immature child. They are waiting for their son or daughter to arrange their life, make it easier by solving all the existing problems.
That’s just children should not live life according to the plan of their parents! And if this happens, the child does not live up to the expectations placed on him, then he begins to feel like a failure, feels guilty before mom and dad for his choice, even if this choice was made sincerely, if this is actually what he wanted.
6. Why are you acting like a little one!
This phrase shows the rejection of the child, his behavior and age. Saying such words, parents demand the impossible from the baby – to be an adult. That is, they want a small and immature person who does not yet know how to live this life to act like an adult – to think and behave accordingly. But when else can you be a child, if not in childhood?
7. But Vasya …
Comparison is a dangerous technique practiced by many parents. It causes low self-esteem, self-isolation, self-doubt, the appearance of phobias and doubts.
Comparing their child with others, parents only humiliate him, undermining self-confidence. He begins to feel that he is not good enough on his own, that he is doing something wrong, that he needs to try even harder, because everything is better with others. And most importantly, the connection with mom and dad is lost, as the child gradually loses faith in their love for themselves.
8. You will fail!
This phrase is equally often heard by both young children and already matured men and women from their parents. And it does not matter whether you decide to become an astronaut and go on an intergalactic flight on a cardboard rocket, or you are not opening your first business, launching a new production.
By and large, the child does not leave a single chance for success. And then, for some reason, parents are surprised that their child does not want anything, does not do anything, and does not strive for anything. Although they themselves demonstrated to the child that they did not believe in him, his ideas and strengths.
This inaccurately thrown phrase can become prophetic and determine the whole future life of a person.
9. We should be proud of you, you should make us happy!
It would seem that such a thing in these words? Parents just want their child to excel in everything.
The problem is that they only allow him “success” and nothing else. Making mistakes, asking for help, feeling weak and defenseless – all this falls under the ban.
Because of this phrase, children will then look back at their parents and other significant people all their lives – track their emotions, reactions and moods.
10. Everyone is feeling bad now, are you special?
Each child needs to be not just important, but the one and only for their parents.
By saying “Are you special?” parents demonstrate that they are not interested in the feelings of the child. Such a message is unlikely to help you raise a healthy, confident and happy person.